Writer Name(s)

Congratulations To The Top 100 Of More Than 1,400 Entries!

A Comment from Contest Management:
The judges said the scenes were consistently better this year than in the Fall 2009 contest. It was a pleasure
reading all of your work, especially given the tough conditions under which you performed!

Scores Of All Entries Received And Read
In the Spring 2010 Cyberspace Open
Listed By Order Number

Writers Scoring 93 And Above Will Move On To Round 2
If you do not see your order number on this page, please see the notes at the bottom of this file.

To see 100 + ties Round 1 survivors in a separate list, go to this page.

Order #

Structure

Dialog

Style

Origin-

ality

Score

Feedback from the judge

26669

This scene works well and unfolds nicely. The setting and premise is imaginative and engrossing. The characters are interesting and the dialogue feels authentic to the time and location. Actually wanted to see where things were going beyond the scene. Good sign. Good work.

26671

A well-paced, entertaining scene with a nice underlying current of tension throughout. The helicopter cutaways do a good job of ratcheting that tension, too. Dialogue is non-nonsense, much like the characters: to the point, without frills. Perhaps an earlier and more specific indication of ANGIE'S predicament and prognosis might raise the stakes even higher, as we really don't know what we've stumbled upon as the scene opens. Maybe you jump right into the heat of their conversation, rather than start off with the Here to gloat back and forth. CHESS handing over the antidote works well as a surprise, given the obvious disdain, and the fact that their feud will continue on after the scene's action is a nice touch. Good work all around.

26672

Liked the approach to the scene parameters. Samantha's sex change is a cool enough twist that you might've held off on the reveal a little longer, so then when Steve reveals he's willing to have the surgery to stay together, you get a nice double-whammy. Dialogue is a little thick at times, and slows down the read. Boil character objectives (what they want) down to their essence, and make every word count. If you can say it in three sentences, you can probably say it in two. Solid effort.

26673

Opening felt somewhat contrived but then the writer took things in an original and completely satisfying direction. Instead of finding the right kind of inspiration in her landlord's words the protagonist actually finds a reason to continue with her delusional agenda of landing a married man. Dialogue is straightforward but it all leads to a solid payoff. Good work.

26675

This marina scene has some strong dialogue and a nice use of props and imagery within the setting. I really like the subtlety of the name Sheila on the Despondent One's boat. The bird shit is a can it get any worse cliche. The scene would be stronger if Matt mentioned some specifics of his relationship and if he and the mentor developed more of a personal rapport. Overall, good work!

26676

This is well realized, and Sarge is a great counterpoint to the innocence of Runt; but overall this sequence is all talk and no conflict, and doesn't really go anywhere. It seems a fragment of a bigger story...

26677

This apartment and pawnshop sequence does a good job establishing Joey's sense of motivation and back-story. We may spend a little too much time in Joey's apartment, and I don't think the humor we get from seeing this bit of soap opera is worth the missed time where we could be meeting Joey's adversary or seeing a personal relationship between him and someone else (like Jack or a love interest). Otherwise, it's a fun sequence with a nice feeling of momentum building up in the end. Good work!

26679

This is a well-written, light and quirky scene with two likable characters and a premise that we can all identify with in this day and age. Justin and Marjorie talk just like an older couple and their sense of humor comes across nicely in the dialogue. There is some clever wordplay over the movie ‘For Pete’s Sake

26680

Strong character dynamic. We really get a sense of their history in a hurry. While the characters were solid, the scene itself seemed to be all about talking about the past and the one present action, the elevator getting stuck didn't do quite enough to amp up the energy level. Would like to have seen a little more desperation from the situation manifesting itself through the way they relate by dialogue. Needed that extra layer.

26682

This desert scene has a good focus on the personal relationship between Jazmin and London. At three pages, it may be a little underdeveloped, so I'd like to see a little more practical exposition about who is hunting them, how they ended up in this situation, and what is at stake if they escape with their lives (like the kind of lives they are hoping to return to). Otherwise, there's a nice attention to detail and some strong dialogue. Good work!

26683

This is a well-written, cute little scene that almost feels more like a short film. The kids are innocent characters playing a game we’re all familiar with. Dialogue is realistic with some catchy jokes. Spencer’s Mr. Whirly Pants serves as the stakes for Spencer, but we have to think that Clark’s threat of releasing him to the wild doesn’t seem that bad (it’s not like he’s threatening to kill him, and couldn’t Spencer just try to catch him?). The situation is dramatic more for the characters than for the reader and Spencer’s story about how he was helped in the past is cute but not something we can identify with in a strong way. Overall, it’s a good scene overall that doesn’t quite become spectacular. Good luck!

26685

This is a wonderful scene, nicely written, well modulated, and with a nice transition from Annie's intimate moments to the massive scale of the shootout. However, it doesn't remotely address the competition prompt.

26686

Interesting scene. It really had a great, gritty, desert-noir vibe. Loved the choice to link everything to the turtle's survival. Would like to have gotten to know Lucy just a little bit more than we did, so there's more of a payoff in the end when she survives as tells the Trucker she bet her life on his being on time. Even so, some great stuff here. Loved the overall tone, liked the character, great choice of visuals to make what could have been a rather generic crime scene pop. Well done.

26687

A lighthearted and entertaining scene with some nice comedic flourishes. JERRY'S definitely at his low point, and the prospects for success indeed look grim. Not quite sure what bad things await if they lose, above and beyond the requisite humiliation. Perhaps if Jerry hints at the familial consequences during his opening rant, making some off-handed and metaphoric reference to what CLA later reveals. We need to get a sense of the raised stakes surrounding this particular game, more than Not the Tigers. Clay's switching proposition is a nice touch, and the Mommie stuff gets a laugh. A solid effort, overall. Good job.

26688

A solid effort overall and the scene does follow the prompt provided. Two things, things feel too dialogue heavy right now and the lack of action hurts the pacing (cut down the long-winded passages). Also, the ending is too open-ended. For better or worse we need to know what's the fate of these characters.

26689

This father-son scene has a great sense of tension and a wonderful attention to detail. The atmosphere permeating the piece is tangible, and the little details like the old man's smacking on the ice cube really bring the scene off the page. The descriptions can get a little wordy, especially when we're getting information that won't come across to viewers on the screen (like what the characters are thinking but not doing). Otherwise, it's a tense scene with a strong dynamic between the two central roles. Good work!

26690

The beginning of the scene follows the prompt but then the story jumps the rail and it becomes just a one-sided argument. Jack is cruel and Ethan is a wimp. Also, the ending doesn't offer real closure. Is Ethan going to fight or remain indifferent? We need to feel more sympathy for both of these characters (and lose Ethan cursing his father every few seconds). Also, the stakes could be bigger.

26692

Scene offers some solid conflict potential, especially as MICHAEL presses GAVIN with his concerns about the company's research. Not seeing Michael as particularly crushed or at a low point here, though. On the contrary, he's pretty confident in his data. Gavin's pushback and veiled financial threat (including his reference to DEVON and her kids' education costs) is a nice complication and wrench in Michael's objective, though if Michael gives in, there would be some substantial reward, which isn't bad. Michael sticking to his principles in the end is a nice touch. A good effort here, overall. Nice job.

26694

An entertaining and wacky scene that brings some decent funny along the way. The build-up to RICKY'S competition daydream is a good misdirect to the F.A.G. payoff. Good visual humor, too. Kind of Farrelly Brother-ish. Turning the scene prompt on its head works well, with failure being the success

26695

Writing is really sharp and the dialogue is pitch perfect for the time and place in history. The problem is that the writer crams in too much in just TWO pages and things feels rushed. Why not take advantage of the full five pages and let things unfold naturally. The prompt requires the protag to be moved to action (for better or for worse) by a second character but that dynamic doesn't really occur here because there's not enough time for it to feel organic.

26696

A superb little effort. A strong overall concept well executed with a gripping through line. Nicely done! Watch for typos though...

26697

Overall a solid take on the scene prompt and the characters are sympathetic. Ingrid's agenda is relatable but overall things feel one-sided. There's no character that comes in and really drives Ingrid to action (for better or worse). Dialogue is effective and contains some subtext. Ending is satisfying.

26699

This pine nut factory scene has fun action, some great imagery, and an imaginative scenario. The style of writing is lively, and it takes an impressively dark tone toward the end. Bo's role as a protag feels a little underdeveloped because most of the scene follows Lindbergh as the most active character, so trimming the chase to build more sympathy for the hero might help. I love the smoothies!

26700

This office scene has some strong imagery, and it takes a humorous turn toward the end. I don't know if we need Don's voice-over AND the flashback. This seems a little repetitive to be told about what we're watching, so I'd recommend cutting one or the other. Plus, we don't get much to care about these two guys in the office before Don's story, so it would also help to establish a stronger protagonist and give us some reason to care about the effect Don's story has on Gary. Otherwise, it's a unique scene with good pacing and a nice surprise. Good work!

26701

Things feel a bit convoluted and the reader was never a hundred percent sure what was going on. When you only have five pages it's best to simplify. Streamline the set-up and clarify when there isn't a lot of room to develop subtext, etc. Dialogue is interesting and the tone is dark but consistent and compelling. Competent effort overall.

26702

Fun scene. Loved the baseball setting, good contrast between age and youth. Loved the use of Ethan as the catalyst to get Lyle back in the game, especially after it seemed like he was trying to push him out. Nice job there! The dialogue is a little spotty, having lines that felt a bit on-the-nose (such as the line about drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels) but others that would really resonate with people who know the game (like Lyle telling Ethan he's not old enough to throw his knuckleball). Overall, very good scene.

26703

This mine disaster scene has a compelling message and a sympathetic hero. It might help to identify some more specific characters trapped in the mine so we can have a name or face to go with the notion of these unidentified victims, and it might help increase Kiefer's personal investment in the outcome. The revelation that the other miners died days after the explosion seems a little too obvious to be missed early on, so I'd like to see a subtler way for Kiefer to realize there may still be hope and catch his second wind. Overall, it's a tense, engaging scene with a powerufl ending. Nice job!

26705

This is an intriguing scene, with some compelling action, but it never really gels. How is Lance convinced to carry on with his mission? This seems like a sequence from a longer story.

26705

Scene gets right to the intrigue with the office break-in, which is cool, adding more layers of mystery and deception along the way. It's not clear how the break-in impacts LANCE'S overall plan (whatever that is) or puts his objective out of reach. Also, we could use a hint at the bad things coming if he throws in the towel. AMY'S reveal of the bugging and tracking devices raises the stakes nicely, and the fact that SHE is a listening device is pretty interesting, even if the idea of reading thoughts is a bit outlandish (Though if this was set in some futurist time period, it might have a neat MINORITY REPORT vibe). On a screenwriting note: Try to avoid offering backstory through scene direction. All that character background for Amy is fine, but let that information come out through how she looks, how she acts and what she says. Audiences don't have the luxury of reading your script, so unless it shows up on the screen via action or character, they don't get that information. That said, a solid effort here. Nice job.

26707

The dialogue and set-up is very sharp, but the five pages needed to show us what is telegraphed by page two kind of makes the scene lose a little tension and momentum. Otherwise this is a nicely executed attempt, and it does feel cool that the jerk gets his (hot steaming) comeuppance!

26708

This is a very well-written scene that nails the prompt, but it never really flies off the page or becomes as spectacular as we’d like. The mafia angle is quite familiar and the set up of Vince being unable to carry out a hit seems just a tad simplistic and on-the-nose. Dialogue and description are both good and Gino definitely brings tension. There’s a lot of nice attention to detail and the limousine setting is cool. Overall, it’s a very well-done scene that’s a little too ‘average’ and we crave some unpredictable twist, turn or surprise. Definite writing talent is shown, but remember to always be original! Good luck!

26709

This farmhouse scene has a nice element of subtext in the dialogue between Lewis and Harry. The revelation about Lewis's real identity is a nice touch. I'm not sure if ending with Mrs. Taylor and the shotgun is the most effective button on the scene, but otherwise the scene has a nice sense of tension and good imagery. It might help to emphasize the possible stakes of what bad things might happen if Harry doesn't go into Iris's room to work his charm on her. Nice work!

26712

This commune scene has some great imagery and some dramatic action. The context of this situation could use some more information, and at 2.5 pages, there's room to add some helpful exposition. Since Amanda's fate seems so important in the end, it might help to introduce her earlier or even treat her as the protagonist. Overall, it's an interesting take on the prompt, a creative appraoch, and a nice visual scene. Good work!

26713

Good use of visuals, though it would have been great to see more of the visuals come from the actual characters and less from people and things around them. Even so, the visuals break up the dialogue in fairly good ways. Also liked the energy level in the scene but the it feels a little unfinished, as if it's still a beat away from telling us what we need to know going forward.

26714

An entertaining scene with good energy and a good sense of humor. Dialogue has some nice snap and pop, too. Liked the CROWD commentary. Would like to know a little bit more about HOW JOEY was humiliated by the best friend and the girl, as it's not very clear. Yes, he seems upset, but perhaps a bit more detail as to why. And the nature of the bad things that await Joey if he gives up could be clearer. What's at stake? The lingerie=suicide thing gets a good chuckle, and the call back to the blue thong works as a nice button. For the most part, a solid effort here. Nice job.

26716

Kudos for a truly original and riveting scene, laced with laugh out loud humor throughout. Very well done!

26717

Definitely a dark and original take on the scene prompt but there are some problems. First, the formatting is completely off. Writer should take a look at a feature script online to get a sense of how they should look on the page. Also, the cop to killer twist doesn't add anything to the underlying protag problem. Feels like the writer was trying to cram too much story into a few pages. Streamline and simplify when time and space are limited.

26718

Some nice twists and turns in this scene in the last two pages. Good mood and atmosphere. Tone is consistent. Ben is an engaging character. There is some good action in the end, but the first part of the scene was a bit too talky. The scene in the tow place was strong, nice setup for the conflict...but when we went to other locations, the tension waned a bit. But writer has an engaging style.

26721

There is some real drama in this scene, but it doesn't really address the competition prompt. Some nice overall writing, and the dialogue is pretty strong. However, be sure to use your scene slugs to cut between interior and exterior actions.

26722

This Glacier Park camping scene has a nice variety of characters and some sharp dialogue. I think it would help to establish the mama and cub bears earlier so they don't show up out of the blue in the end. Gianni suffers from a bit of the chatty-villain syndrome, but at least he's aware of it. I'm glad the bear's rampage endangered everyone and not just bad guys. Overall, it's an exciting scene with a good sense of tension throughout and some effective use of back-story. Nice work!

26723

Scene starts very well, nice use of tension and sharp interaction between characters. Felt that it ran on a page too long, basically continuing past its turn but without much payoff after that. Would love to have seen that same tension and consequence the scene opens with carry into the end.

26724

There are some interesting elements in play here but things feel more like a set-up than a self-contained scene. We learn some of Allison's problems and the possible solution being offered but even after she agrees to give it a try the story just ends. We don't get closure and never understand if things work out. Simplify here, keep the focus on a problem that can be resolved by the end (for better or worse).

26725

Loved the setup for this scene and the juxtaposition of the terrible times set against the suburban home life. Very nice! But after the setup and the first mention of cannibalism, the scene didn't really progress. It would have been great to see a few more twists along the way and even hide what it is they are talking about until later in the scene. Leave a little mystery to build tension and allow for a reveal later in the scene.

26726

Liked the setting and the scene started very well. Didn't settle squarely on a tone, though, and the appearance of Donny Osmond felt gimmicky to a fault. The dialogue had some great stuff in it, though the speeches in the end tended to run a bit too long.

26727

Solid comedic scene, with some snappy, back-and-forth dialogue rat-at-tat. Not quite sure about the level by which Son is crushed because his objective appears impossible. Perhaps something more compelling than a non-refundable airline ticket. Son doesn't so much as rise to the occasion as accept the offered ride. Perhaps if Son saw that Mom's got more on the ball than she lets on, provoking him to make the alternate travel plans and catch her at her game. Good visual sense and good energy here. Nice job.

26728

This scuba scene has some great imagery, and Ali's deafness provides a unique barrier to communication. It's tough to keep the pacing going quickly in a scene that's all about non-verbal communication, but it would help to trim down some descriptions of actions and use more paragraph breaks to generate some more white space. The scene's conflict (about the school transfer) could be stronger, but the diving complication raises the stakes nicely. Overall, good work!

26729

This is a decently-written scene with some inherent tension and family drama. We get by the end that they’re running from a bear but at an earlier point the bear is referred to as a ‘creature’ which makes us think it’s something supernatural. We do slightly wonder how they got there, and outdoors-people might comment that a bear probably wouldn’t follow people along a mountain wall (they aren’t so much predators of people unless provoked). The tension in the scene feels a tad simplistic and on-the-nose, and we crave some deeper twist or turn that might reveal more about these characters. Overall, a nice effort. Good luck!

26732

This is a well-written scene in an inherently dramatic situation. The comedic opening of Henry having just proposed before they’re about to jump is original and fun. Once Susan and James jump, though, the scene seems to drag just a bit as the focus shifts to Mike and Henry. Dialogue is okay but gets a little ‘talky.’ Mike’s nearly falling out of the plane feels a tad ‘tacked on’ (he’s not the protagonist), as does Henry’s jumping prematurely, which also feels a little far-fetched. Surely he would remember his parachute! Overall, a nice effort that never really comes together or flies off the page. Good luck!

26735

Sharp scene, great use of visuals and action! Loved the setting and the geek-chic protagonist. It was a little hard to decipher what the backstory was to what was going on here but as for the beats of the scene itself, very nice work. The dialogue didn't have as much punch as the visuals and the jokier moments tended to feel a little false considering the circumstances but not to a degree that could bring down the scene altogether. One quick note on writing style: thinning out the text is always a good thing and it would help here. Try to describe setting and action with about 25% less than what's on the page here and try not to break up dialogue banter with too many lines about how people consider or regard what the other is saying.

26736

Creative, inventive... love the talking shotgun - Adam. Trevor is also an engaging character. The setup for the scene is good. The tone is consistent. The scene has a great twist - but it needs a stronger narrative drive. Would like to have seen the Zombies been more of an immediate threat and Trevor taking more action in the scene with Adam... it's a bit too talky. But author has an engaging writing style.

26737

Very strong scene. Loved the Pine Ridge Rez location, loved the talk of AIM prior to the Wounded Knee standoff. Great bit of action in the beginning, fantastic character work later in the scene. Would like to have seen a little more movement, visuals and action in the second half but even so, a very impressive scene. Great job!

26742

An intriguing, Inside Baseball approach to the scene prompt, with good energy and crisp (if perhaps occasionally overwrought) dialogue. TOM'S Just stop... rant sounds a bit too fanboyish and, personally, I'd much rather hear J.J.'s insight/rallying in the alley, as it impacts SCOTT directly (BTW, one would think Scott would know who is boss is and what he looks like, right?). Likewise, the communal nature of the writers room kind of dilutes the impact of the seemingly impossible objective on SCOTT, the protagonist. Perhaps if there's a way to make it more personal and critical for him, rather than the group. He later mentions something about not knowing what I'll be able to do next. So what's at stake for him? More coffee runs? Getting fired? Doing rewrites on Gary Unmarried? The SORKIN bit in the alley is nice bit of fun. Overall, a good job on the scene. Nice work.

26743

This library scene has a nice sense of tension, and the mention of the approaching villains is a great way to keep the intensity up. The dynamic between Missy and Mrs. Travides is interesting, though it seems a little unclear at the end. The scene would probably benefit from a little more practical exposition about who these thugs are, what this treasure map is all about, and why Missy replacing Mrs. Travides will be an effective way to save Leonard's life. Also, giving more description of the atmosphere the storm provides could help intensify the drama a bit. Overall, it's an interesting scene with some unique characters. Good work!

26744

Good historical piece. The setting is great. The mood and atmosphere are wonderful and the tone is good. The writer has an engaging voice. The first two pages - the dialogue between Strindberg and Andree was a bit too talky. It has a lot of exposition and the intentions of each character were not in direct opposition - thus the conflict was muted a bit, making the scene less tense. The last two pages were quite good. Overall, a nice job.

26745

In terms of responding to the prompt, it's a shame that Bill isn't actually crushed; rather it appears that he's his happy-go-lucky usual self until a good way through. Despite the desperate failed writer concept, which doesn’t really deliver any original material, Bill is an appealing character. Kudos on the pathologist angle, which delivers the funniest line of the sequence!

26747

Solid, energetic and well-crafted scene. Good tension throughout. Good visual sense, and you set the mood nicely through description. Nice work.

26750

Some interesting elements at play and the writer takes an original approach to the scene prompt. However the reader was never entirely sure what was going on. It's fine to keep the audience on their toes but when you only have 5 pages it's tough to get everything across. When the scene ended the reader was left with more questions than answers. Clarity is missing here...still, an interesting mystery/thriller set-up thanks to good dialogue and engrossing characters.

26751

Without more information, this scene makes little sense. It's clearly part of a much larger story and doesn't work as a self contained exercise.

26752

This last meal scene raises a really interesting issue, and the warden's description of the program is very fascinating. The scene itself can get a little talky, so I'd like to see some more emphasis on revelating information through action, imagery, body language, reactions, props and setting. Also, the ending is a little confusing in that we don't get to see Bob's reaction, and this will be important to know why Matt's lawyer goes along with it. I'd like to see a little more focus come onto the ethical issue of a false conviction; if Matt confesses to a crime he didn't commit, what will this mean for his conscience, his reputation, his family, and his soul? He raises a quick objection but doesn't seem to make much of it after that. Overall, it's a very interesting scene with a strong tone. Good work!

26754

Original, fresh, creative. Dash, Poacher, Spade - all cool characters. The scene has a great mood and atmosphere. The dialect is a bit heavy - and is unnecessary at times - because it makes it harder to read. Tension was good in the scene, but the ending felt a little flat. Tension needs to be strong until final moment. But overall, very nice job.

26755

Sorry, this scene exceeds the 5-page maximum as specified by the contest rules.ö

26758

A solid scene with good tension right out of the gate. The suicide box visual works well, and the aborted attempt is a seat squirmer. Would love to know what's driven SARA to this state, to this desperate point. There's a hint, but perhaps more detail is in order. Her overall plan/objective, including what's making it difficult to achieve, could be clearer. Perhaps a more profound hint to JERRY'S involvement (the romantic connection) earlier on during the scene set-up. BEVERLY'S stalking backstory reveal is a bit stiff, especially Beverly's explanation, but the idea is pretty cool. Nice Sara assertiveness and just desserts for Beverly at the end. Overall, a good effort here. Nice job.

26759

Good setting and characters. The interaction between Tank and Tera was pretty sharp, though it became a little speechy near the end. Even so, the stakes here are strong and the characters interesting. Nice job.

26760

This White House scene has a fun, amusing predicament, and President Lincoln's ghost provides an unlikely mentor figure for President Kennedy in this infidelity crisis. I'd like to see a justification for why President Lincoln is so fratastic, so an explanation (either history has created a false image for him or being a century dead changes a man) would help. Also, some jokes would work better with more specific references. For instance, when President Kennedy says You never have anything to say when I'm making a really important decision

26761

Things are dark from beginning to end but the writer does follow the scene prompt. Jake appears to be the straight hero but then the script turns on its head in the end and the police gun him down, much as he took down Nolan. The twists and turns are effective and the dialogue is strong. Feels like the writer could've streamlined here and made things simpler but again, solid effort.

26762

Visually strong scene and the dynamic betweek Hook and Pan is a good one. The dialogue does a lot to give us insight into their connection. That said, it is a tough slog through the dense text here. Screenwriters are judged on their brevity and a scene like this should be told with about half as many words, if that. A tighter, leaner version would have scored higher in the structure category.

26764

This is a well written scene, but it's not original. We already know what happened with Samson. It's in the Bible. Next time, it might be worth considering something original, that can be crafted to respond to the competition prompt.

26765

There's some fruity dialogue, here, and a rather cool overall concept for Derek's role in the story, However, this doesn't really have a beginning, middle and end, and seems part of a wider story that we would need to know to get the point...

26766

The problem with this scene is that we're not very clear about what Beth's essential objective is, and why it's so terrible that her plans have to change. Also, Mary doesn't really suggest a plan of action, just kind of comforts her... which is less than engaging, and doesn't really address the competition prompt.

26767

Good action. Scene gets going right away. The writer has a good style. Good tension in the scene. Stringer is a good character. The only issue with the scene is Sgt. Torres. The fact that he is on a walkie-talkie, that we hear all of his lines this way, makes the scene less dramatic. Would be nice to actually see him in the scene. Not as dramatic to have a lead character speaking into a walkie-talkie for the whole scene. But good action, good conflict, nicely done.

26768

This art school scene has a compelling tone and a genuine relationship at its core. I'd like to see some more characterization so we can know more about who Chaz and Shelby are (I wasn't sure Shelby was a girl, and I thought they were children at first). Also, it might help to focus more on their unique talents in order to make this scene about these specific people rather than two general people. How would an artist like Shelby show Chaz that she believes in him rather than just telling him that she does? Can we see a more specific description of Chaz's bad painting and understand what it lacks in comparison to one of his better works? Overall, it's a touching scene with a nice authenticity in its style. Good work!

26772

There’s some nice dialogue in this sequence, but it’s entirely unclear how the protagonist is ôcrushed.ö Or who the protagonist is? Is it Bevany and she is roused to action by Brad? Or vice versa? Either way, Brad’s speech, whilst engaging, doesn’t seem to change the stakes or allow for an understanding to take place, so’s your audience would know what the point of the sequence is.

26773

Fun scene. Good interaction between characters, smart way to make the scene prompt work. Really liked Glenda's approach and Ben's reactions, although the scene ran a beat or two too long. A little dialogue edit would have helped it score higher in the structure category but overall, a good scene with sharp tone.

26774

Good visuals to start the scene and a strong beat to end it. Tone felt a little uneaven in between, lost somewhere between comedy and the tension of the moment. Would also like to have gotten a little more punch out of the dialogue, which also would have probably skewed the scene a bit harder toward a sharper tone.

26775

Good imagery to open the scene and set the tone early. Enjoyed the character dynamic a lot too. The dialogue had a lot of good beats to it, though it dominated the scene too much and dragged on several beats longer than it might have. Cinematic writing is all about getting the visuals and movement on the page as well as the dialogue. This situation and these characters in a more visually explosive setting would have been more satisfying and scored higher.

26777

This is an interesting scene with an imaginative futuristic setting. The writing is good but it feels a little dialogue-heavy and thus a little ‘talky.’ Brainwell is clearly intent on his goal but we have to ask ourselves what his motivation is. Mackromaine (an interesting species!) feels much less concerned with the life of the planet they’re on. The political landscape and backstory they discuss feels a tad convoluted and gets complicated for such a short scene. Overall, a nice job but we crave a bit more action and more cohesiveness between the characters. Good luck!

26778

An interesting set-up but things get too crazy and confusing by scene's end. When you have only five pages it's best to keep things simple. The author tries to cram a full action movie into a small scene and the end result is cluttered. Moxie is an engaging protagonist but her story feels too big for these parameters. Also, the writer doesn't follow the heart of the prompt until the very end.

26779

Good descriptive flair, but consider dialing back the detail and getting to the scene meat and objective sooner. We're almost two pages into the scene before we know what the protagonist's plan is. Get right to it. Crush the plan right up front, and then focus on your protagonist getting back in the game. Logically, it's hard to believe STELLER didn't notice the Natural History Museum eggs earlier in their experiment process. This reveal feels convenient for the moment. Solid effort here, though. Well done.

26780

There's some real pathos here; but it's difficult to know what's going on? Half of the reward of this sequence is NOT knowing what's happening, and guessing, but even so this feels like a fragment of a bigger story and not much makes sense in terms of the stakes.

26781

Good character dynamic on display here. It was easy to understand these characters' relationship to one another and their place in the world. The scene ran a little long, though, and was too dominated by dialogue at the expense of visuals. Would like to have seen more movement within the scene, something to bring it to life visually. The dog's a nice touch, though.

26782

Enjoyable scene. Really liked Franne's bitchy, nagging dialogue. Good use of visuals too, both with the fire and the gardner clipper moment in the final beats of the scene. It was a little hard to understand why giving up painting was what Erik offered to God when making his deal, though, and the moment with the businessman felt a little on-the-nose, but still, a fun, interesting scene.

26785

There was a good mood and atmosphere to the scene. Julian and Gina were engaging characters - dialogue between them was good. But the scene felt more like a scene from a play - too talky. There needed to be more visual storytelling used in the scene. The ending was great with the necklace - maybe more of that kind of thing in the scene. The intentions of the characters needed to be stronger as well.

26787

The scene is dark but compelling and the writer does follow the prompt provided. However it doesn't feel like the dynamic shifts at any point. The story starts in one direction and never changes course. Devon has to make a decision and eventually does. There's no compelling arc or surprise twist. Things at the end are in line with how they are at the beginning.

26790

Atmospherically strong scene with strong visuals and some good action beats in the beginning. Also, good dynamic between the characters. A little clarity would have benefitted the scene, though, as both the regeneration of the wound and the importance of David feel important yet unexplained.

26791

Good setting, good setup.Khmer Rouge backdrop is wonderful. There is good tension in this scene as well. Samnang and Vithara are both engaging characters. There should be a little bit more conflict between them - stronger intentions in the scene, with more visual storytelling. The ending was not as strong as the rest of the scene - though it had a nice lyrical quality. That all being said, this was an engaging scene and the author has a good writing style.

26792

This is a nicely modulated scene, that references a much bigger story without us needing to know it in this scene. Great speech by Jeff, and a nice wordless response from B-Dean. Well done!

26794

Some interesting and sharp dialogue between the two leads but it never feels like the scene really takes off and goes anywhere. There is supposed to be an evolution of sorts, one character inspiring another to action (for better or worse) and it just never feels like it gets there. Interesting characters and effective pacing. Overall a competent effort but more focus is needed on kicking the story into gear.

26796

An interesting take on the scene prompt and the setting is imaginative but it doesn't feel like anything happens in the end. Isabel has to be threatened to take action and the ending feels open-ended right now. Is Isabel totally trapped? Also, the writer only has five pages to use and devotes the first two to set-up before we meet Isabel. Get to the heart of the scene quicker.

26797

Leslie and Rene are engaging characters - an the relationship between them is also engaging. The setup is good, setting is good. The scene, however, lacks a strong narrative drive. There isn't a strong urgency to the scene, even though there is some tension and conflict between them. The scene is talky. We need to see more action and author should take more advantage of the location. But the author has a good writing style....

26799

Things feel a bit rushed right now and the writer is trying to cram too much into a few pages and the end result feels forced. The foundation for a loving relationship is supposed to be in place over the course of a couple of pages? Not believable. Also, the drama between Harper and his father feels unclear. Dialogue is competent and protagonist is sympathetic.

26800

Very fun, fresh, original scene. Great job of taking a rather pedestrian moment and elevating it to great importance, as well as putting a clock on the stakes. Loved this from the beginning to the end. Nice work!

26801

It's not very clear what is going on in this sequence, and it seems part of a much larger story. The final fragment montage reads more like a dense novel than a screenplay. It's interesting stuff, but not really fluid or engaging... On another note: be sure to use the correct usage of you're versus your. This is an elemental typo that needs to be corrected.

26803

Without knowing the wider picture of this sequence - the rules of this science fiction universe - what we are left with comes over as incomprehensible.

26804

Really solid dialogue and a sympathetic protagonist crammed into four pages. However it doesn't feel like Cap'n was inspired by Van Huffle so much as he thought things through in his own hand. He makes the lemon declaration and takes action, Van Huffle just stands there while it happens. If she said something definitive that kicked him into action the scene would work better at following the prompt. Overall, good writing.

26806

Definitely some imagination present but it doesn't feel like the writer totally follows the scene prompt. The dialogue contains subtext but also feels convoluted from one page to the next. These guys aren't the most fun to watch and the ending is uneven. Still, a solid effort thanks to an ambitious set-up.

26807

Interesting setting, loved the relationship between Jasmine and Elinor. A lot of good stuff in the dialogue too, the banter bringing these characters to life in interesting ways. That said, the scene slows down considerably in the middle, really losing steams thanks to the lack of evolving visuals or movement. Cinematic writing is about the visuals as much as the dialouge. This script had strong dialogue but not enough visuals.

26808

This Mayo Clinic scene has some fun lines and a good senes of play once Big Mike arrives. I think the scene could use a more consistent tone because it reads like a straight drama in the beginning but ends feeling more like a comedy. Also, watch out for anachronisms; I don't think the Starbucks Caramel Macchiato reference would be likely in 1974. Overall, it's a fun scene with some nice characterizations. Nice work!

26809

The problem with the scene right now is that things just resolve themselves. Ted and Noah are sympathetic but they don't really earn their escape, the soldiers just decide to let them go. Also, doesn't this run contrary to what the characters were saying in the beginning of the scene, that the soldiers were shooting civilians. Also, with only five pages, using up space on flashbacks seems like a mistake. Ted can just make reference to the promise he made Noah's mother. Overall, imaginative and ambitious.

26810

Great setup. Creative, inventive, original. Funny scene as well. Concise, great pacing. Lady of the Lake and Eco-Man were both engaging. Scene was a bit too talky however. Felt like it could almost be a scene from a play. There need to be more conflict in the scene - characters with opposing intentions. But the writer has a wonderful style and this was a good read.

26813

Solid scene with engaging characters and crisp dialogue, though a few lines could be combined to quicken the pace. AMANDA'S questions tend to be a little too leading and obvious, diffusing the twist ending a bit. It's a cool twist, though. Ridge's career recap outside the bar feels a little on the nose; it might be cool to SEE his detective skills at work, rather than have him talk it out. Nice job here.

26816

Great setting, liked the intensity that opened the scene. A lot of energy right off the bat and good interation between Martin and Kendall, though the scene slows down considerably about a page in and then takes a while to get to the turn in the end. Would love to have seen a tighter version of this scene with a little more movement and action in the middle.

26817

Fresh, clever take on the scene prompt. Liked the concept behind this scene a lot. A tighter pacing and more intensity from the characters would have helped a bit, though, as it dragged in the middle. The ending is functional but punching the moment a little harder also would have helped give it the cinematic feel it deserved. Overall, liked the concept, wish the scene had been more energetic throughout.

26819

Things are a little straightforward in the scene. The dialogue is direct, there is no subtext to what is being said so it feels like the writer is following the prompt too closely, not taking it in a different, unexpected direction. The stakes are solid but more is needed here. The writer could've used another page or two to add more depth.

26820

Scene started out well, visually speaking. Good setup, interesting character, though the voice-over felt a little unnecessary. Particularly good turn when Pierce first shows up on page two. After that, though, the scene falls to the familiar, finding some good, pleasurable moments in the details but still basically delivering something we've seen before many, many times. Would love to have seen a more original take that built to a bigger ending.

26821

This is a pretty fun scene and it's easy to like Mitch from the outset. The explanation about Lester's videotapes felt a bit simplistic and easy but the interaction with Katy on the last few pages was very interesting. Great character work all around here! Might have been more compelling if it had just started with breaking into the house and let us find out the details as Mitch and Katy banter.

26822

This airplane scene has some good elements and a strong premise. I think the moment of Max's death is a little underdeveloped, and this seems like it should be a huge turning point for Amanda. If seeing Max die is going to make Amanda destroy the entire craft, we should probably focus more on that moment, Amanda's reaction, and the decision to change her objectives. Otherwise, there's good tension within the group and a strong conflict with the alien. Nice work!

26823

An entertaining scene with a solid horror vibe and good creepy visuals. Dialogue is sparse and efficient, as the genre dictates, and you let the images do the talking, which is cool. Not quite sure who the protagonist is here, MICHAEL or LEIGH ANN, and the nature of the dashed plans and seemingly impossible objective could be clearer. Same goes for the negative repercussions of giving up in the face of the failed objective. Consider breaking up your thicker paragraphs of scene description, especially during the more frenetic moments. It helps keep the energy up and speeds the read as well. The DEMON SPIRIT reveal works well, though, as does the heightened suspense and chills along the way. A good effort here, overall. Nice job.

26824

No scene included: title page only.

26824

This is a tight, neat little scene, told with some economy, and there's a nice counterpoint between the dialogue and the crowd reaction, with developing stakes. The dialogue, however, is a little too flat (there's maybe a way to introduce Harry as being blind blind visually, rather than through unwieldy dialogue exposition?)

26828

This is a heartfelt and dramatic scene with a lot of character introspection. Fred’s pouring his heart out to Marilyn is honest and emotional and her getting fed up is something we can identify with. The scene feels just a tad on the long side, and perhaps a little ‘talky.’ We are surprised when Fred breaks out the gun and threatens to shoot himself, and it almost feels like the scene could end at the bottom of p. 4. Remember in screenwriting to never use 10 words when 5 will do! The setting is a tad esoteric, but it clearly means a lot to the protagonist and that’s what’s important. Overall, an admirable effort.

26830

This boating scene has a good sense of pacing and some nice imagery. The scenario itself could use a little more clarificiation in terms of practical exposition, and it would be good to know more about what's at stake if this crisis doesn't resolve for Randy and Susan. The nature of their relationship could probably use more emphasis, too. Otherwise, it's a strong scene with a good sense of tension and nice use of setting and imagery. Good work!

26831

Scene ends well, though it takes a while to get there. Dialogue in first few pages could have used a little punch and a little less exposition and a tighter first half would have driven us toward the stronger ending in a good way. Some good character interaction here but the closer it got to the fight, the better. Would love to have seen it open as big as it ended.

26831

This park scene could use more balance between action and dialogue, particularly in the beginning when some key visuals could really strengthen or intensify the conversation between Gary and David. Otherwise, there's a nice personality clash between David and Butch, and the story takes a surprising turn toward a very serious, dark ending. Lively writing throughout the scene. Good work!

26832

Sweet. The story had a nice tone to it. Harry and Phoebe are great characters. The story was original and fun. Putting Harry in jeopardy up top was great. Scene had a good beginning, middle and end. Harry should have been more active in the scene - even though he was trapped - because he was the character with the main intention. Things happened to him, but we weren't sure what he wanted (except to get free, well). But this was very nicely done. Solid scene. Good job!

26833

Intriguing setting for the scene parameters. Good character flair. Try to avoid getting into so much descriptive detail, especially with a limited page count exercise like this one. Establish your problem at the get go, and then spend the rest of the scene solving it. The thick paragraphs of description slow down the read immensely. Not sure what plan of Celeste's has been dashed. Is it the routine, or the relationship? If she doesn't do the quadruple, that's a good thing, because she knows the ring's been tampered with. Could be clearer. Liked the high-wire tension throughout. Solid effort here.

26834

Simple and TOTALLY effective. The protagonist and his problem demonstrate imagination and a strong sense of humor. Things play out in an exciting manner and the action is fast paced. Definitely one of the stronger entries. Good work!

26836

Enjoyed the setting and the character interaction. Would love to have seen what preceded this moment, rather than hearing about it through dialogue. Writer does a great job of writing young roles without belittling them.

26838

Funny... Author has an original comedic voice. The setting is good and the use of the code names is wonderful - though the joke does get a bit repetitive. The tension in the scene needs to be stronger - the characters need to have stronger intentions that are in opposition. Conflict feels a bit muted - partly because it's being played for comedy. There needs to be more visual storytelling as well - almost felt like a sketch. The ending works, but needs a stronger punch. Good writing style.

26838

Intriguing approach to the scene prompt. Good use of double-speak dialogue for the secrecy and espionage motif. It might've been interesting if BLACK WIDOW explained her dream to OWEN not so literally, maintaining the code names of the important players so it sounds odd and bizarre to the little kid, like a dream. Try to tone down the descriptive detail, as it got a little too flowery and prose-like. As a contest note, proofread and double-check your formatting, as this piece was a mess of margins, spacing and element justification. If you plan to enter other screenwriting contests, make sure your formatting is rock solid, as you would've been immediately disqualified for not following industry standard screenplay format. There are screenplay templates for Microsoft Word online, if that is your word processor of choice. Other than that, a solid effort on the scene.

26840

Definitely some solid laughs thanks to George's obsession with Wonder Woman and Lynda Carter. Characters don't feel particularly sympathetic though because of their agenda (even when they justify it by saying it's for their mother). Also, writer needs to watch basic typos, like confusing you're with your, and we're with were, they take the writer out of the equation right away. Use the full five pages next time to milk out a few more laughs.

26841

This athletic competition is an amusing scenario, and I like the cliffhanger ending. We spend so much time with Dougie and Joel discussing the plot scenario, and watching the action of the competitions, and I don’t know if we have enough reason to support Dougie as our hero. Aside from being an underdog, what's sympathetic about him? What is it about him that gets someone as great as Christina to like him? Would it be more interesting to focus on his relationship with Christina (or even with David) by letting one of them be the character that provokes or inspires him into action? It seems like Dougie would be more emotionally invested in his quest if we actually see him with the woman he loves rather than just some buddy like Joel. Otherwise, it's a fun, lively scene with good humor and some nice action. Nice work!

26842

Fun, lively scene. Inventive. The tone of the scene is good, consistent. Pacing is good. Mood and atmosphere are good. The scene lacks a strong narrative tension - what does Patricia want, specifically, and why does she want it. The obstacles that impede her need to be stronger, clearer. Yes, her parents grounded her, but we needed to see it. Show more conflict. Ending felt a little flat. Joke at the end, but it needed a stronger story endpoint.

26843

Really liked the reveal that the guy from the gym is actually the protagonist's arch-enemy. Would like to have seen a little more competitive banter between hero and villain, though, and the ending feels a little soft. It would have been great to see a little bit more of the fight in Steven, as opposed to just learning through action text that it's building back up in him. As a whole, a good scene but taking it a step farther in the second half would have been a bit more satisfying.

26847

There is some gritty language, a real sense of tension, and some cool action; but overall this does not read like a self-contained scene with its own dynamic, but rather comes from a much bigger mythos, and feels like we can’t possibly understand the stakes because everything is so confusing and unexplained.

26848

This is a very funny sequence, adroitly handled and well executed. It veers toward comedic cliche in places, but it's verve and wit gives it some momentum. A really nice ending!

26851

This western scene has a cool crisis and some unique, interesting dialogue. I especially like Warren's voice and the way he jokes about eating Page. I think the setting of this pit could use a little more description because I has a hard time picturing it. It's a pit with 20-foot sides, but it's not like a well because it's big enough for a tree to grow inside of it. Somehow there are shadowy areas along the sides, too. It would help to just provide a general description of the environment once Townsend leaves and Page finds himself with a little time to survey his surroundings. Overall, it's a fun scene with strong dialogue and a nice dynamic between Page and Warren. Good work!

26853

Talking animals are always a cute thing for the movies. This is a well-written and imaginative scene. We do wonder a little about why a guy would keep his soon-to-be Thanksgiving dinner with a bunch of rare birds in his basement, and also how Running Mouth knows that it’s Dottie who will be eaten, but it makes for some good stakes regardless. The connection between Dottie and Henry is cute and we have no trouble rooting for the underdog Henry, but the scene gets a little long-winded. Shorter is always better! In screenwriting, never use 10 words when 5 will do. The ending is comedic and we are glad that Henry finally gets away. Overall, a nice effort. Good luck!

26858

Creative, unique scene. Toots and Samantha are both good characters. Setting is good. Feels very real. Good tension between the characters. The only problem with the scene is that the scene feels more like a play than a scene from a film - because there is not much visual storytelling. It's very talky. The dialogue is good, but the character/actors need something to do in the scene. The premise/concept is good, but the execution could be stronger. Writer has good style!

26860

Author has an original comedic voice. Strong voice. Charles is a unique engaging character. Brett is also likable. Banter between them is great - good ping-pong effect. Non-linear direction is also good. The setup is good, but the scene needs more visual storytelling and the characters need to have stronger, clearer intentions in the scene. It's tool talky - feels like a scene from a play. But writer has a unique, engaging style.

26862

This is an amusing and well-written scene that does a decent job with the prompt. However, we never really buy the setting. Even though the tone is comedic, the Medieval-era aspects don’t really blend with the contemporary aspects, despite some clever dialogue. We wish that Arty would act a bit more like a hero and get a little more motivated to go after his goal, and rely a little less on Merl. The references to Merl being a stoner are funny. Overall, it’s a nice effort but the scene never really grabs us or becomes as spectacular as we’d like. Good luck!

26864

Cool opening with the octopus on the building, with an intriguing premise and good energy, but the scene kind of falls apart after that. Not quite sure who your protagonist is (JOHN or EMMA) or what plan of theirs has been crushed. The cutaway scene, while having good energy, takes us away from the protagonist and is more or less unnecessary in its detail. You can easily show the octopus smash and grab from John and Emma's point of view, and keep the scene focus on them. As a formatting note, be careful with element margins and justification (Dialogue and parentheticals sit at different points on the page in industry standard screenplay format). Other, less forgiving contests would've disqualified your entry for not following proper format. Aside from that, the scene was a solid effort.

26865

This sci-fi scene has some vivid imagery and strong action. I'd like to see the scene focus more on Cain's humanity and his emotions. If we're going to believe that he'd really surrender himself just for knowledge of his past life, we'll need to see that he's not just conflicted but shaken to the core and desperate for a sense of meaning. Also, make sure the action/description lines and character headings (on top of dialogue blocks) use consistent names. Even if characters refer to Cain as Peter in their dialogue, we can understand that people call him different things, but we should know him by one name consistently for the sake of simplicity. Overall, it's a lively, imaginative scene with some strong visuals. Nice work!

26866

Good basic concept behind this scene, though it's a little tough to find rooting interest in Deek, simply because he's such a downer. Igon's appearance is a good turn, but it would have been great to see a little action at that point, if this bargain were to happen in the middle of a battle between the two as the bar gets trashed, ending in them making a pact but leaving total destruction in their wake. In other words, great setup but bigger visuals and movement would have made this scene much stronger.

26868

This wedding day scene takes a great turn once we find out the truth of the situation and Matt comes out of his hallucination. This is a strong premise and a very unique approach to the scene prompt. It seems like the tone in the very beginning may be a bit off, and I wonder if the scene wouldn't be better served if Jessica were a little less hostile in the beginning and a little more loving before we realize it's all a facade. When the bride's first line in response to the classic I shouldn't see you on the wedding day line is The wedding's off. I can't marry you

26869

Scene has solid tension from the get-go, which is cool. The shot teddy bear is a good opening image and line. Not quite clear on what the dashed plan is, or how MONTANA'S objective appears impossible, because they're only five hours from the border and all they need to do is stay ahead of the bad guys. The organ harvesting of the kids works well as raised stakes, and Montana's confronting the ACCOUNTANTS is a nice bit of action. Good effort, overall.

26870

Interesting premise, though it's not clear what the flight simulator in a kid's bedroom has to do with a real plane loaded with passengers. Perhaps we needed a bit more information, especially what CHRIS meant when he said JOSH took control of a plane. It feels as though Chris' plans aren't so much dashed as he is reluctant to follow through because of his nightmare. JOHN'S you can do it coaxing is more a rah-rah speech than something unexpected, even if the heart attack is a surprise (a pretty convenient one at that). Nice job.

26872

&nbs