Writer Name(s)

Congratulations To The Top 100 Of More Than 1,400 Entries!

A Comment from Contest Management:
The judges said the scenes were consistently better this year than in the Fall 2009 contest. It was a pleasure
reading all of your work, especially given the tough conditions under which you performed!

Scores Of All Entries Received And Read
In the Spring 2010 Cyberspace Open
Listed By Order Number

Writers Scoring 93 And Above Will Move On To Round 2
If you do not see your order number on this page, please see the notes at the bottom of this file.

To see 100 + ties Round 1 survivors in a separate list, go to this page.

Order #

Structure

Dialog

Style

Origin-

ality

Score

Feedback from the judge

26669

This scene works well and unfolds nicely. The setting and premise is imaginative and engrossing. The characters are interesting and the dialogue feels authentic to the time and location. Actually wanted to see where things were going beyond the scene. Good sign. Good work.

26671

A well-paced, entertaining scene with a nice underlying current of tension throughout. The helicopter cutaways do a good job of ratcheting that tension, too. Dialogue is non-nonsense, much like the characters: to the point, without frills. Perhaps an earlier and more specific indication of ANGIE'S predicament and prognosis might raise the stakes even higher, as we really don't know what we've stumbled upon as the scene opens. Maybe you jump right into the heat of their conversation, rather than start off with the Here to gloat back and forth. CHESS handing over the antidote works well as a surprise, given the obvious disdain, and the fact that their feud will continue on after the scene's action is a nice touch. Good work all around.

26672

Liked the approach to the scene parameters. Samantha's sex change is a cool enough twist that you might've held off on the reveal a little longer, so then when Steve reveals he's willing to have the surgery to stay together, you get a nice double-whammy. Dialogue is a little thick at times, and slows down the read. Boil character objectives (what they want) down to their essence, and make every word count. If you can say it in three sentences, you can probably say it in two. Solid effort.

26673

Opening felt somewhat contrived but then the writer took things in an original and completely satisfying direction. Instead of finding the right kind of inspiration in her landlord's words the protagonist actually finds a reason to continue with her delusional agenda of landing a married man. Dialogue is straightforward but it all leads to a solid payoff. Good work.

26675

This marina scene has some strong dialogue and a nice use of props and imagery within the setting. I really like the subtlety of the name Sheila on the Despondent One's boat. The bird shit is a can it get any worse cliche. The scene would be stronger if Matt mentioned some specifics of his relationship and if he and the mentor developed more of a personal rapport. Overall, good work!

26676

This is well realized, and Sarge is a great counterpoint to the innocence of Runt; but overall this sequence is all talk and no conflict, and doesn't really go anywhere. It seems a fragment of a bigger story...

26677

This apartment and pawnshop sequence does a good job establishing Joey's sense of motivation and back-story. We may spend a little too much time in Joey's apartment, and I don't think the humor we get from seeing this bit of soap opera is worth the missed time where we could be meeting Joey's adversary or seeing a personal relationship between him and someone else (like Jack or a love interest). Otherwise, it's a fun sequence with a nice feeling of momentum building up in the end. Good work!

26679

This is a well-written, light and quirky scene with two likable characters and a premise that we can all identify with in this day and age. Justin and Marjorie talk just like an older couple and their sense of humor comes across nicely in the dialogue. There is some clever wordplay over the movie ‘For Pete’s Sake

26680

Strong character dynamic. We really get a sense of their history in a hurry. While the characters were solid, the scene itself seemed to be all about talking about the past and the one present action, the elevator getting stuck didn't do quite enough to amp up the energy level. Would like to have seen a little more desperation from the situation manifesting itself through the way they relate by dialogue. Needed that extra layer.

26682

This desert scene has a good focus on the personal relationship between Jazmin and London. At three pages, it may be a little underdeveloped, so I'd like to see a little more practical exposition about who is hunting them, how they ended up in this situation, and what is at stake if they escape with their lives (like the kind of lives they are hoping to return to). Otherwise, there's a nice attention to detail and some strong dialogue. Good work!

26683

This is a well-written, cute little scene that almost feels more like a short film. The kids are innocent characters playing a game we’re all familiar with. Dialogue is realistic with some catchy jokes. Spencer’s Mr. Whirly Pants serves as the stakes for Spencer, but we have to think that Clark’s threat of releasing him to the wild doesn’t seem that bad (it’s not like he’s threatening to kill him, and couldn’t Spencer just try to catch him?). The situation is dramatic more for the characters than for the reader and Spencer’s story about how he was helped in the past is cute but not something we can identify with in a strong way. Overall, it’s a good scene overall that doesn’t quite become spectacular. Good luck!

26685

This is a wonderful scene, nicely written, well modulated, and with a nice transition from Annie's intimate moments to the massive scale of the shootout. However, it doesn't remotely address the competition prompt.

26686

Interesting scene. It really had a great, gritty, desert-noir vibe. Loved the choice to link everything to the turtle's survival. Would like to have gotten to know Lucy just a little bit more than we did, so there's more of a payoff in the end when she survives as tells the Trucker she bet her life on his being on time. Even so, some great stuff here. Loved the overall tone, liked the character, great choice of visuals to make what could have been a rather generic crime scene pop. Well done.

26687

A lighthearted and entertaining scene with some nice comedic flourishes. JERRY'S definitely at his low point, and the prospects for success indeed look grim. Not quite sure what bad things await if they lose, above and beyond the requisite humiliation. Perhaps if Jerry hints at the familial consequences during his opening rant, making some off-handed and metaphoric reference to what CLA later reveals. We need to get a sense of the raised stakes surrounding this particular game, more than Not the Tigers. Clay's switching proposition is a nice touch, and the Mommie stuff gets a laugh. A solid effort, overall. Good job.

26688

A solid effort overall and the scene does follow the prompt provided. Two things, things feel too dialogue heavy right now and the lack of action hurts the pacing (cut down the long-winded passages). Also, the ending is too open-ended. For better or worse we need to know what's the fate of these characters.

26689

This father-son scene has a great sense of tension and a wonderful attention to detail. The atmosphere permeating the piece is tangible, and the little details like the old man's smacking on the ice cube really bring the scene off the page. The descriptions can get a little wordy, especially when we're getting information that won't come across to viewers on the screen (like what the characters are thinking but not doing). Otherwise, it's a tense scene with a strong dynamic between the two central roles. Good work!

26690

The beginning of the scene follows the prompt but then the story jumps the rail and it becomes just a one-sided argument. Jack is cruel and Ethan is a wimp. Also, the ending doesn't offer real closure. Is Ethan going to fight or remain indifferent? We need to feel more sympathy for both of these characters (and lose Ethan cursing his father every few seconds). Also, the stakes could be bigger.

26692

Scene offers some solid conflict potential, especially as MICHAEL presses GAVIN with his concerns about the company's research. Not seeing Michael as particularly crushed or at a low point here, though. On the contrary, he's pretty confident in his data. Gavin's pushback and veiled financial threat (including his reference to DEVON and her kids' education costs) is a nice complication and wrench in Michael's objective, though if Michael gives in, there would be some substantial reward, which isn't bad. Michael sticking to his principles in the end is a nice touch. A good effort here, overall. Nice job.

26694

An entertaining and wacky scene that brings some decent funny along the way. The build-up to RICKY'S competition daydream is a good misdirect to the F.A.G. payoff. Good visual humor, too. Kind of Farrelly Brother-ish. Turning the scene prompt on its head works well, with failure being the success

26695

Writing is really sharp and the dialogue is pitch perfect for the time and place in history. The problem is that the writer crams in too much in just TWO pages and things feels rushed. Why not take advantage of the full five pages and let things unfold naturally. The prompt requires the protag to be moved to action (for better or for worse) by a second character but that dynamic doesn't really occur here because there's not enough time for it to feel organic.

26696

A superb little effort. A strong overall concept well executed with a gripping through line. Nicely done! Watch for typos though...

26697

Overall a solid take on the scene prompt and the characters are sympathetic. Ingrid's agenda is relatable but overall things feel one-sided. There's no character that comes in and really drives Ingrid to action (for better or worse). Dialogue is effective and contains some subtext. Ending is satisfying.

26699

This pine nut factory scene has fun action, some great imagery, and an imaginative scenario. The style of writing is lively, and it takes an impressively dark tone toward the end. Bo's role as a protag feels a little underdeveloped because most of the scene follows Lindbergh as the most active character, so trimming the chase to build more sympathy for the hero might help. I love the smoothies!

26700

This office scene has some strong imagery, and it takes a humorous turn toward the end. I don't know if we need Don's voice-over AND the flashback. This seems a little repetitive to be told about what we're watching, so I'd recommend cutting one or the other. Plus, we don't get much to care about these two guys in the office before Don's story, so it would also help to establish a stronger protagonist and give us some reason to care about the effect Don's story has on Gary. Otherwise, it's a unique scene with good pacing and a nice surprise. Good work!

26701

Things feel a bit convoluted and the reader was never a hundred percent sure what was going on. When you only have five pages it's best to simplify. Streamline the set-up and clarify when there isn't a lot of room to develop subtext, etc. Dialogue is interesting and the tone is dark but consistent and compelling. Competent effort overall.

26702

Fun scene. Loved the baseball setting, good contrast between age and youth. Loved the use of Ethan as the catalyst to get Lyle back in the game, especially after it seemed like he was trying to push him out. Nice job there! The dialogue is a little spotty, having lines that felt a bit on-the-nose (such as the line about drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels) but others that would really resonate with people who know the game (like Lyle telling Ethan he's not old enough to throw his knuckleball). Overall, very good scene.

26703

This mine disaster scene has a compelling message and a sympathetic hero. It might help to identify some more specific characters trapped in the mine so we can have a name or face to go with the notion of these unidentified victims, and it might help increase Kiefer's personal investment in the outcome. The revelation that the other miners died days after the explosion seems a little too obvious to be missed early on, so I'd like to see a subtler way for Kiefer to realize there may still be hope and catch his second wind. Overall, it's a tense, engaging scene with a powerufl ending. Nice job!

26705

This is an intriguing scene, with some compelling action, but it never really gels. How is Lance convinced to carry on with his mission? This seems like a sequence from a longer story.

26705

Scene gets right to the intrigue with the office break-in, which is cool, adding more layers of mystery and deception along the way. It's not clear how the break-in impacts LANCE'S overall plan (whatever that is) or puts his objective out of reach. Also, we could use a hint at the bad things coming if he throws in the towel. AMY'S reveal of the bugging and tracking devices raises the stakes nicely, and the fact that SHE is a listening device is pretty interesting, even if the idea of reading thoughts is a bit outlandish (Though if this was set in some futurist time period, it might have a neat MINORITY REPORT vibe). On a screenwriting note: Try to avoid offering backstory through scene direction. All that character background for Amy is fine, but let that information come out through how she looks, how she acts and what she says. Audiences don't have the luxury of reading your script, so unless it shows up on the screen via action or character, they don't get that information. That said, a solid effort here. Nice job.

26707

The dialogue and set-up is very sharp, but the five pages needed to show us what is telegraphed by page two kind of makes the scene lose a little tension and momentum. Otherwise this is a nicely executed attempt, and it does feel cool that the jerk gets his (hot steaming) comeuppance!

26708

This is a very well-written scene that nails the prompt, but it never really flies off the page or becomes as spectacular as we’d like. The mafia angle is quite familiar and the set up of Vince being unable to carry out a hit seems just a tad simplistic and on-the-nose. Dialogue and description are both good and Gino definitely brings tension. There’s a lot of nice attention to detail and the limousine setting is cool. Overall, it’s a very well-done scene that’s a little too ‘average’ and we crave some unpredictable twist, turn or surprise. Definite writing talent is shown, but remember to always be original! Good luck!

26709

This farmhouse scene has a nice element of subtext in the dialogue between Lewis and Harry. The revelation about Lewis's real identity is a nice touch. I'm not sure if ending with Mrs. Taylor and the shotgun is the most effective button on the scene, but otherwise the scene has a nice sense of tension and good imagery. It might help to emphasize the possible stakes of what bad things might happen if Harry doesn't go into Iris's room to work his charm on her. Nice work!

26712

This commune scene has some great imagery and some dramatic action. The context of this situation could use some more information, and at 2.5 pages, there's room to add some helpful exposition. Since Amanda's fate seems so important in the end, it might help to introduce her earlier or even treat her as the protagonist. Overall, it's an interesting take on the prompt, a creative appraoch, and a nice visual scene. Good work!

26713

Good use of visuals, though it would have been great to see more of the visuals come from the actual characters and less from people and things around them. Even so, the visuals break up the dialogue in fairly good ways. Also liked the energy level in the scene but the it feels a little unfinished, as if it's still a beat away from telling us what we need to know going forward.

26714

An entertaining scene with good energy and a good sense of humor. Dialogue has some nice snap and pop, too. Liked the CROWD commentary. Would like to know a little bit more about HOW JOEY was humiliated by the best friend and the girl, as it's not very clear. Yes, he seems upset, but perhaps a bit more detail as to why. And the nature of the bad things that await Joey if he gives up could be clearer. What's at stake? The lingerie=suicide thing gets a good chuckle, and the call back to the blue thong works as a nice button. For the most part, a solid effort here. Nice job.

26716

Kudos for a truly original and riveting scene, laced with laugh out loud humor throughout. Very well done!

26717

Definitely a dark and original take on the scene prompt but there are some problems. First, the formatting is completely off. Writer should take a look at a feature script online to get a sense of how they should look on the page. Also, the cop to killer twist doesn't add anything to the underlying protag problem. Feels like the writer was trying to cram too much story into a few pages. Streamline and simplify when time and space are limited.

26718

Some nice twists and turns in this scene in the last two pages. Good mood and atmosphere. Tone is consistent. Ben is an engaging character. There is some good action in the end, but the first part of the scene was a bit too talky. The scene in the tow place was strong, nice setup for the conflict...but when we went to other locations, the tension waned a bit. But writer has an engaging style.

26721

There is some real drama in this scene, but it doesn't really address the competition prompt. Some nice overall writing, and the dialogue is pretty strong. However, be sure to use your scene slugs to cut between interior and exterior actions.

26722

This Glacier Park camping scene has a nice variety of characters and some sharp dialogue. I think it would help to establish the mama and cub bears earlier so they don't show up out of the blue in the end. Gianni suffers from a bit of the chatty-villain syndrome, but at least he's aware of it. I'm glad the bear's rampage endangered everyone and not just bad guys. Overall, it's an exciting scene with a good sense of tension throughout and some effective use of back-story. Nice work!

26723

Scene starts very well, nice use of tension and sharp interaction between characters. Felt that it ran on a page too long, basically continuing past its turn but without much payoff after that. Would love to have seen that same tension and consequence the scene opens with carry into the end.

26724

There are some interesting elements in play here but things feel more like a set-up than a self-contained scene. We learn some of Allison's problems and the possible solution being offered but even after she agrees to give it a try the story just ends. We don't get closure and never understand if things work out. Simplify here, keep the focus on a problem that can be resolved by the end (for better or worse).

26725

Loved the setup for this scene and the juxtaposition of the terrible times set against the suburban home life. Very nice! But after the setup and the first mention of cannibalism, the scene didn't really progress. It would have been great to see a few more twists along the way and even hide what it is they are talking about until later in the scene. Leave a little mystery to build tension and allow for a reveal later in the scene.

26726

Liked the setting and the scene started very well. Didn't settle squarely on a tone, though, and the appearance of Donny Osmond felt gimmicky to a fault. The dialogue had some great stuff in it, though the speeches in the end tended to run a bit too long.

26727

Solid comedic scene, with some snappy, back-and-forth dialogue rat-at-tat. Not quite sure about the level by which Son is crushed because his objective appears impossible. Perhaps something more compelling than a non-refundable airline ticket. Son doesn't so much as rise to the occasion as accept the offered ride. Perhaps if Son saw that Mom's got more on the ball than she lets on, provoking him to make the alternate travel plans and catch her at her game. Good visual sense and good energy here. Nice job.

26728

This scuba scene has some great imagery, and Ali's deafness provides a unique barrier to communication. It's tough to keep the pacing going quickly in a scene that's all about non-verbal communication, but it would help to trim down some descriptions of actions and use more paragraph breaks to generate some more white space. The scene's conflict (about the school transfer) could be stronger, but the diving complication raises the stakes nicely. Overall, good work!

26729

This is a decently-written scene with some inherent tension and family drama. We get by the end that they’re running from a bear but at an earlier point the bear is referred to as a ‘creature’ which makes us think it’s something supernatural. We do slightly wonder how they got there, and outdoors-people might comment that a bear probably wouldn’t follow people along a mountain wall (they aren’t so much predators of people unless provoked). The tension in the scene feels a tad simplistic and on-the-nose, and we crave some deeper twist or turn that might reveal more about these characters. Overall, a nice effort. Good luck!

26732

This is a well-written scene in an inherently dramatic situation. The comedic opening of Henry having just proposed before they’re about to jump is original and fun. Once Susan and James jump, though, the scene seems to drag just a bit as the focus shifts to Mike and Henry. Dialogue is okay but gets a little ‘talky.’ Mike’s nearly falling out of the plane feels a tad ‘tacked on’ (he’s not the protagonist), as does Henry’s jumping prematurely, which also feels a little far-fetched. Surely he would remember his parachute! Overall, a nice effort that never really comes together or flies off the page. Good luck!

26735

Sharp scene, great use of visuals and action! Loved the setting and the geek-chic protagonist. It was a little hard to decipher what the backstory was to what was going on here but as for the beats of the scene itself, very nice work. The dialogue didn't have as much punch as the visuals and the jokier moments tended to feel a little false considering the circumstances but not to a degree that could bring down the scene altogether. One quick note on writing style: thinning out the text is always a good thing and it would help here. Try to describe setting and action with about 25% less than what's on the page here and try not to break up dialogue banter with too many lines about how people consider or regard what the other is saying.

26736

Creative, inventive... love the talking shotgun - Adam. Trevor is also an engaging character. The setup for the scene is good. The tone is consistent. The scene has a great twist - but it needs a stronger narrative drive. Would like to have seen the Zombies been more of an immediate threat and Trevor taking more action in the scene with Adam... it's a bit too talky. But author has an engaging writing style.

26737

Very strong scene. Loved the Pine Ridge Rez location, loved the talk of AIM prior to the Wounded Knee standoff. Great bit of action in the beginning, fantastic character work later in the scene. Would like to have seen a little more movement, visuals and action in the second half but even so, a very impressive scene. Great job!

26742

An intriguing, Inside Baseball approach to the scene prompt, with good energy and crisp (if perhaps occasionally overwrought) dialogue. TOM'S Just stop... rant sounds a bit too fanboyish and, personally, I'd much rather hear J.J.'s insight/rallying in the alley, as it impacts SCOTT directly (BTW, one would think Scott would know who is boss is and what he looks like, right?). Likewise, the communal nature of the writers room kind of dilutes the impact of the seemingly impossible objective on SCOTT, the protagonist. Perhaps if there's a way to make it more personal and critical for him, rather than the group. He later mentions something about not knowing what I'll be able to do next. So what's at stake for him? More coffee runs? Getting fired? Doing rewrites on Gary Unmarried? The SORKIN bit in the alley is nice bit of fun. Overall, a good job on the scene. Nice work.

26743

This library scene has a nice sense of tension, and the mention of the approaching villains is a great way to keep the intensity up. The dynamic between Missy and Mrs. Travides is interesting, though it seems a little unclear at the end. The scene would probably benefit from a little more practical exposition about who these thugs are, what this treasure map is all about, and why Missy replacing Mrs. Travides will be an effective way to save Leonard's life. Also, giving more description of the atmosphere the storm provides could help intensify the drama a bit. Overall, it's an interesting scene with some unique characters. Good work!

26744

Good historical piece. The setting is great. The mood and atmosphere are wonderful and the tone is good. The writer has an engaging voice. The first two pages - the dialogue between Strindberg and Andree was a bit too talky. It has a lot of exposition and the intentions of each character were not in direct opposition - thus the conflict was muted a bit, making the scene less tense. The last two pages were quite good. Overall, a nice job.

26745

In terms of responding to the prompt, it's a shame that Bill isn't actually crushed; rather it appears that he's his happy-go-lucky usual self until a good way through. Despite the desperate failed writer concept, which doesn’t really deliver any original material, Bill is an appealing character. Kudos on the pathologist angle, which delivers the funniest line of the sequence!

26747

Solid, energetic and well-crafted scene. Good tension throughout. Good visual sense, and you set the mood nicely through description. Nice work.

26750

Some interesting elements at play and the writer takes an original approach to the scene prompt. However the reader was never entirely sure what was going on. It's fine to keep the audience on their toes but when you only have 5 pages it's tough to get everything across. When the scene ended the reader was left with more questions than answers. Clarity is missing here...still, an interesting mystery/thriller set-up thanks to good dialogue and engrossing characters.

26751

Without more information, this scene makes little sense. It's clearly part of a much larger story and doesn't work as a self contained exercise.

26752

This last meal scene raises a really interesting issue, and the warden's description of the program is very fascinating. The scene itself can get a little talky, so I'd like to see some more emphasis on revelating information through action, imagery, body language, reactions, props and setting. Also, the ending is a little confusing in that we don't get to see Bob's reaction, and this will be important to know why Matt's lawyer goes along with it. I'd like to see a little more focus come onto the ethical issue of a false conviction; if Matt confesses to a crime he didn't commit, what will this mean for his conscience, his reputation, his family, and his soul? He raises a quick objection but doesn't seem to make much of it after that. Overall, it's a very interesting scene with a strong tone. Good work!

26754

Original, fresh, creative. Dash, Poacher, Spade - all cool characters. The scene has a great mood and atmosphere. The dialect is a bit heavy - and is unnecessary at times - because it makes it harder to read. Tension was good in the scene, but the ending felt a little flat. Tension needs to be strong until final moment. But overall, very nice job.

26755

Sorry, this scene exceeds the 5-page maximum as specified by the contest rules.ö

26758

A solid scene with good tension right out of the gate. The suicide box visual works well, and the aborted attempt is a seat squirmer. Would love to know what's driven SARA to this state, to this desperate point. There's a hint, but perhaps more detail is in order. Her overall plan/objective, including what's making it difficult to achieve, could be clearer. Perhaps a more profound hint to JERRY'S involvement (the romantic connection) earlier on during the scene set-up. BEVERLY'S stalking backstory reveal is a bit stiff, especially Beverly's explanation, but the idea is pretty cool. Nice Sara assertiveness and just desserts for Beverly at the end. Overall, a good effort here. Nice job.

26759

Good setting and characters. The interaction between Tank and Tera was pretty sharp, though it became a little speechy near the end. Even so, the stakes here are strong and the characters interesting. Nice job.

26760

This White House scene has a fun, amusing predicament, and President Lincoln's ghost provides an unlikely mentor figure for President Kennedy in this infidelity crisis. I'd like to see a justification for why President Lincoln is so fratastic, so an explanation (either history has created a false image for him or being a century dead changes a man) would help. Also, some jokes would work better with more specific references. For instance, when President Kennedy says You never have anything to say when I'm making a really important decision

26761

Things are dark from beginning to end but the writer does follow the scene prompt. Jake appears to be the straight hero but then the script turns on its head in the end and the police gun him down, much as he took down Nolan. The twists and turns are effective and the dialogue is strong. Feels like the writer could've streamlined here and made things simpler but again, solid effort.

26762

Visually strong scene and the dynamic betweek Hook and Pan is a good one. The dialogue does a lot to give us insight into their connection. That said, it is a tough slog through the dense text here. Screenwriters are judged on their brevity and a scene like this should be told with about half as many words, if that. A tighter, leaner version would have scored higher in the structure category.

26764

This is a well written scene, but it's not original. We already know what happened with Samson. It's in the Bible. Next time, it might be worth considering something original, that can be crafted to respond to the competition prompt.

26765

There's some fruity dialogue, here, and a rather cool overall concept for Derek's role in the story, However, this doesn't really have a beginning, middle and end, and seems part of a wider story that we would need to know to get the point...

26766

The problem with this scene is that we're not very clear about what Beth's essential objective is, and why it's so terrible that her plans have to change. Also, Mary doesn't really suggest a plan of action, just kind of comforts her... which is less than engaging, and doesn't really address the competition prompt.

26767

Good action. Scene gets going right away. The writer has a good style. Good tension in the scene. Stringer is a good character. The only issue with the scene is Sgt. Torres. The fact that he is on a walkie-talkie, that we hear all of his lines this way, makes the scene less dramatic. Would be nice to actually see him in the scene. Not as dramatic to have a lead character speaking into a walkie-talkie for the whole scene. But good action, good conflict, nicely done.

26768

This art school scene has a compelling tone and a genuine relationship at its core. I'd like to see some more characterization so we can know more about who Chaz and Shelby are (I wasn't sure Shelby was a girl, and I thought they were children at first). Also, it might help to focus more on their unique talents in order to make this scene about these specific people rather than two general people. How would an artist like Shelby show Chaz that she believes in him rather than just telling him that she does? Can we see a more specific description of Chaz's bad painting and understand what it lacks in comparison to one of his better works? Overall, it's a touching scene with a nice authenticity in its style. Good work!

26772

There’s some nice dialogue in this sequence, but it’s entirely unclear how the protagonist is ôcrushed.ö Or who the protagonist is? Is it Bevany and she is roused to action by Brad? Or vice versa? Either way, Brad’s speech, whilst engaging, doesn’t seem to change the stakes or allow for an understanding to take place, so’s your audience would know what the point of the sequence is.

26773

Fun scene. Good interaction between characters, smart way to make the scene prompt work. Really liked Glenda's approach and Ben's reactions, although the scene ran a beat or two too long. A little dialogue edit would have helped it score higher in the structure category but overall, a good scene with sharp tone.

26774

Good visuals to start the scene and a strong beat to end it. Tone felt a little uneaven in between, lost somewhere between comedy and the tension of the moment. Would also like to have gotten a little more punch out of the dialogue, which also would have probably skewed the scene a bit harder toward a sharper tone.

26775

Good imagery to open the scene and set the tone early. Enjoyed the character dynamic a lot too. The dialogue had a lot of good beats to it, though it dominated the scene too much and dragged on several beats longer than it might have. Cinematic writing is all about getting the visuals and movement on the page as well as the dialogue. This situation and these characters in a more visually explosive setting would have been more satisfying and scored higher.

26777

This is an interesting scene with an imaginative futuristic setting. The writing is good but it feels a little dialogue-heavy and thus a little ‘talky.’ Brainwell is clearly intent on his goal but we have to ask ourselves what his motivation is. Mackromaine (an interesting species!) feels much less concerned with the life of the planet they’re on. The political landscape and backstory they discuss feels a tad convoluted and gets complicated for such a short scene. Overall, a nice job but we crave a bit more action and more cohesiveness between the characters. Good luck!

26778

An interesting set-up but things get too crazy and confusing by scene's end. When you have only five pages it's best to keep things simple. The author tries to cram a full action movie into a small scene and the end result is cluttered. Moxie is an engaging protagonist but her story feels too big for these parameters. Also, the writer doesn't follow the heart of the prompt until the very end.

26779

Good descriptive flair, but consider dialing back the detail and getting to the scene meat and objective sooner. We're almost two pages into the scene before we know what the protagonist's plan is. Get right to it. Crush the plan right up front, and then focus on your protagonist getting back in the game. Logically, it's hard to believe STELLER didn't notice the Natural History Museum eggs earlier in their experiment process. This reveal feels convenient for the moment. Solid effort here, though. Well done.

26780

There's some real pathos here; but it's difficult to know what's going on? Half of the reward of this sequence is NOT knowing what's happening, and guessing, but even so this feels like a fragment of a bigger story and not much makes sense in terms of the stakes.

26781

Good character dynamic on display here. It was easy to understand these characters' relationship to one another and their place in the world. The scene ran a little long, though, and was too dominated by dialogue at the expense of visuals. Would like to have seen more movement within the scene, something to bring it to life visually. The dog's a nice touch, though.

26782

Enjoyable scene. Really liked Franne's bitchy, nagging dialogue. Good use of visuals too, both with the fire and the gardner clipper moment in the final beats of the scene. It was a little hard to understand why giving up painting was what Erik offered to God when making his deal, though, and the moment with the businessman felt a little on-the-nose, but still, a fun, interesting scene.

26785

There was a good mood and atmosphere to the scene. Julian and Gina were engaging characters - dialogue between them was good. But the scene felt more like a scene from a play - too talky. There needed to be more visual storytelling used in the scene. The ending was great with the necklace - maybe more of that kind of thing in the scene. The intentions of the characters needed to be stronger as well.

26787

The scene is dark but compelling and the writer does follow the prompt provided. However it doesn't feel like the dynamic shifts at any point. The story starts in one direction and never changes course. Devon has to make a decision and eventually does. There's no compelling arc or surprise twist. Things at the end are in line with how they are at the beginning.

26790

Atmospherically strong scene with strong visuals and some good action beats in the beginning. Also, good dynamic between the characters. A little clarity would have benefitted the scene, though, as both the regeneration of the wound and the importance of David feel important yet unexplained.

26791

Good setting, good setup.Khmer Rouge backdrop is wonderful. There is good tension in this scene as well. Samnang and Vithara are both engaging characters. There should be a little bit more conflict between them - stronger intentions in the scene, with more visual storytelling. The ending was not as strong as the rest of the scene - though it had a nice lyrical quality. That all being said, this was an engaging scene and the author has a good writing style.

26792

This is a nicely modulated scene, that references a much bigger story without us needing to know it in this scene. Great speech by Jeff, and a nice wordless response from B-Dean. Well done!

26794

Some interesting and sharp dialogue between the two leads but it never feels like the scene really takes off and goes anywhere. There is supposed to be an evolution of sorts, one character inspiring another to action (for better or worse) and it just never feels like it gets there. Interesting characters and effective pacing. Overall a competent effort but more focus is needed on kicking the story into gear.

26796

An interesting take on the scene prompt and the setting is imaginative but it doesn't feel like anything happens in the end. Isabel has to be threatened to take action and the ending feels open-ended right now. Is Isabel totally trapped? Also, the writer only has five pages to use and devotes the first two to set-up before we meet Isabel. Get to the heart of the scene quicker.

26797

Leslie and Rene are engaging characters - an the relationship between them is also engaging. The setup is good, setting is good. The scene, however, lacks a strong narrative drive. There isn't a strong urgency to the scene, even though there is some tension and conflict between them. The scene is talky. We need to see more action and author should take more advantage of the location. But the author has a good writing style....

26799

Things feel a bit rushed right now and the writer is trying to cram too much into a few pages and the end result feels forced. The foundation for a loving relationship is supposed to be in place over the course of a couple of pages? Not believable. Also, the drama between Harper and his father feels unclear. Dialogue is competent and protagonist is sympathetic.

26800

Very fun, fresh, original scene. Great job of taking a rather pedestrian moment and elevating it to great importance, as well as putting a clock on the stakes. Loved this from the beginning to the end. Nice work!

26801

It's not very clear what is going on in this sequence, and it seems part of a much larger story. The final fragment montage reads more like a dense novel than a screenplay. It's interesting stuff, but not really fluid or engaging... On another note: be sure to use the correct usage of you're versus your. This is an elemental typo that needs to be corrected.

26803

Without knowing the wider picture of this sequence - the rules of this science fiction universe - what we are left with comes over as incomprehensible.

26804

Really solid dialogue and a sympathetic protagonist crammed into four pages. However it doesn't feel like Cap'n was inspired by Van Huffle so much as he thought things through in his own hand. He makes the lemon declaration and takes action, Van Huffle just stands there while it happens. If she said something definitive that kicked him into action the scene would work better at following the prompt. Overall, good writing.

26806

Definitely some imagination present but it doesn't feel like the writer totally follows the scene prompt. The dialogue contains subtext but also feels convoluted from one page to the next. These guys aren't the most fun to watch and the ending is uneven. Still, a solid effort thanks to an ambitious set-up.

26807

Interesting setting, loved the relationship between Jasmine and Elinor. A lot of good stuff in the dialogue too, the banter bringing these characters to life in interesting ways. That said, the scene slows down considerably in the middle, really losing steams thanks to the lack of evolving visuals or movement. Cinematic writing is about the visuals as much as the dialouge. This script had strong dialogue but not enough visuals.

26808

This Mayo Clinic scene has some fun lines and a good senes of play once Big Mike arrives. I think the scene could use a more consistent tone because it reads like a straight drama in the beginning but ends feeling more like a comedy. Also, watch out for anachronisms; I don't think the Starbucks Caramel Macchiato reference would be likely in 1974. Overall, it's a fun scene with some nice characterizations. Nice work!

26809

The problem with the scene right now is that things just resolve themselves. Ted and Noah are sympathetic but they don't really earn their escape, the soldiers just decide to let them go. Also, doesn't this run contrary to what the characters were saying in the beginning of the scene, that the soldiers were shooting civilians. Also, with only five pages, using up space on flashbacks seems like a mistake. Ted can just make reference to the promise he made Noah's mother. Overall, imaginative and ambitious.

26810

Great setup. Creative, inventive, original. Funny scene as well. Concise, great pacing. Lady of the Lake and Eco-Man were both engaging. Scene was a bit too talky however. Felt like it could almost be a scene from a play. There need to be more conflict in the scene - characters with opposing intentions. But the writer has a wonderful style and this was a good read.

26813

Solid scene with engaging characters and crisp dialogue, though a few lines could be combined to quicken the pace. AMANDA'S questions tend to be a little too leading and obvious, diffusing the twist ending a bit. It's a cool twist, though. Ridge's career recap outside the bar feels a little on the nose; it might be cool to SEE his detective skills at work, rather than have him talk it out. Nice job here.

26816

Great setting, liked the intensity that opened the scene. A lot of energy right off the bat and good interation between Martin and Kendall, though the scene slows down considerably about a page in and then takes a while to get to the turn in the end. Would love to have seen a tighter version of this scene with a little more movement and action in the middle.

26817

Fresh, clever take on the scene prompt. Liked the concept behind this scene a lot. A tighter pacing and more intensity from the characters would have helped a bit, though, as it dragged in the middle. The ending is functional but punching the moment a little harder also would have helped give it the cinematic feel it deserved. Overall, liked the concept, wish the scene had been more energetic throughout.

26819

Things are a little straightforward in the scene. The dialogue is direct, there is no subtext to what is being said so it feels like the writer is following the prompt too closely, not taking it in a different, unexpected direction. The stakes are solid but more is needed here. The writer could've used another page or two to add more depth.

26820

Scene started out well, visually speaking. Good setup, interesting character, though the voice-over felt a little unnecessary. Particularly good turn when Pierce first shows up on page two. After that, though, the scene falls to the familiar, finding some good, pleasurable moments in the details but still basically delivering something we've seen before many, many times. Would love to have seen a more original take that built to a bigger ending.

26821

This is a pretty fun scene and it's easy to like Mitch from the outset. The explanation about Lester's videotapes felt a bit simplistic and easy but the interaction with Katy on the last few pages was very interesting. Great character work all around here! Might have been more compelling if it had just started with breaking into the house and let us find out the details as Mitch and Katy banter.

26822

This airplane scene has some good elements and a strong premise. I think the moment of Max's death is a little underdeveloped, and this seems like it should be a huge turning point for Amanda. If seeing Max die is going to make Amanda destroy the entire craft, we should probably focus more on that moment, Amanda's reaction, and the decision to change her objectives. Otherwise, there's good tension within the group and a strong conflict with the alien. Nice work!

26823

An entertaining scene with a solid horror vibe and good creepy visuals. Dialogue is sparse and efficient, as the genre dictates, and you let the images do the talking, which is cool. Not quite sure who the protagonist is here, MICHAEL or LEIGH ANN, and the nature of the dashed plans and seemingly impossible objective could be clearer. Same goes for the negative repercussions of giving up in the face of the failed objective. Consider breaking up your thicker paragraphs of scene description, especially during the more frenetic moments. It helps keep the energy up and speeds the read as well. The DEMON SPIRIT reveal works well, though, as does the heightened suspense and chills along the way. A good effort here, overall. Nice job.

26824

No scene included: title page only.

26824

This is a tight, neat little scene, told with some economy, and there's a nice counterpoint between the dialogue and the crowd reaction, with developing stakes. The dialogue, however, is a little too flat (there's maybe a way to introduce Harry as being blind blind visually, rather than through unwieldy dialogue exposition?)

26828

This is a heartfelt and dramatic scene with a lot of character introspection. Fred’s pouring his heart out to Marilyn is honest and emotional and her getting fed up is something we can identify with. The scene feels just a tad on the long side, and perhaps a little ‘talky.’ We are surprised when Fred breaks out the gun and threatens to shoot himself, and it almost feels like the scene could end at the bottom of p. 4. Remember in screenwriting to never use 10 words when 5 will do! The setting is a tad esoteric, but it clearly means a lot to the protagonist and that’s what’s important. Overall, an admirable effort.

26830

This boating scene has a good sense of pacing and some nice imagery. The scenario itself could use a little more clarificiation in terms of practical exposition, and it would be good to know more about what's at stake if this crisis doesn't resolve for Randy and Susan. The nature of their relationship could probably use more emphasis, too. Otherwise, it's a strong scene with a good sense of tension and nice use of setting and imagery. Good work!

26831

Scene ends well, though it takes a while to get there. Dialogue in first few pages could have used a little punch and a little less exposition and a tighter first half would have driven us toward the stronger ending in a good way. Some good character interaction here but the closer it got to the fight, the better. Would love to have seen it open as big as it ended.

26831

This park scene could use more balance between action and dialogue, particularly in the beginning when some key visuals could really strengthen or intensify the conversation between Gary and David. Otherwise, there's a nice personality clash between David and Butch, and the story takes a surprising turn toward a very serious, dark ending. Lively writing throughout the scene. Good work!

26832

Sweet. The story had a nice tone to it. Harry and Phoebe are great characters. The story was original and fun. Putting Harry in jeopardy up top was great. Scene had a good beginning, middle and end. Harry should have been more active in the scene - even though he was trapped - because he was the character with the main intention. Things happened to him, but we weren't sure what he wanted (except to get free, well). But this was very nicely done. Solid scene. Good job!

26833

Intriguing setting for the scene parameters. Good character flair. Try to avoid getting into so much descriptive detail, especially with a limited page count exercise like this one. Establish your problem at the get go, and then spend the rest of the scene solving it. The thick paragraphs of description slow down the read immensely. Not sure what plan of Celeste's has been dashed. Is it the routine, or the relationship? If she doesn't do the quadruple, that's a good thing, because she knows the ring's been tampered with. Could be clearer. Liked the high-wire tension throughout. Solid effort here.

26834

Simple and TOTALLY effective. The protagonist and his problem demonstrate imagination and a strong sense of humor. Things play out in an exciting manner and the action is fast paced. Definitely one of the stronger entries. Good work!

26836

Enjoyed the setting and the character interaction. Would love to have seen what preceded this moment, rather than hearing about it through dialogue. Writer does a great job of writing young roles without belittling them.

26838

Funny... Author has an original comedic voice. The setting is good and the use of the code names is wonderful - though the joke does get a bit repetitive. The tension in the scene needs to be stronger - the characters need to have stronger intentions that are in opposition. Conflict feels a bit muted - partly because it's being played for comedy. There needs to be more visual storytelling as well - almost felt like a sketch. The ending works, but needs a stronger punch. Good writing style.

26838

Intriguing approach to the scene prompt. Good use of double-speak dialogue for the secrecy and espionage motif. It might've been interesting if BLACK WIDOW explained her dream to OWEN not so literally, maintaining the code names of the important players so it sounds odd and bizarre to the little kid, like a dream. Try to tone down the descriptive detail, as it got a little too flowery and prose-like. As a contest note, proofread and double-check your formatting, as this piece was a mess of margins, spacing and element justification. If you plan to enter other screenwriting contests, make sure your formatting is rock solid, as you would've been immediately disqualified for not following industry standard screenplay format. There are screenplay templates for Microsoft Word online, if that is your word processor of choice. Other than that, a solid effort on the scene.

26840

Definitely some solid laughs thanks to George's obsession with Wonder Woman and Lynda Carter. Characters don't feel particularly sympathetic though because of their agenda (even when they justify it by saying it's for their mother). Also, writer needs to watch basic typos, like confusing you're with your, and we're with were, they take the writer out of the equation right away. Use the full five pages next time to milk out a few more laughs.

26841

This athletic competition is an amusing scenario, and I like the cliffhanger ending. We spend so much time with Dougie and Joel discussing the plot scenario, and watching the action of the competitions, and I don’t know if we have enough reason to support Dougie as our hero. Aside from being an underdog, what's sympathetic about him? What is it about him that gets someone as great as Christina to like him? Would it be more interesting to focus on his relationship with Christina (or even with David) by letting one of them be the character that provokes or inspires him into action? It seems like Dougie would be more emotionally invested in his quest if we actually see him with the woman he loves rather than just some buddy like Joel. Otherwise, it's a fun, lively scene with good humor and some nice action. Nice work!

26842

Fun, lively scene. Inventive. The tone of the scene is good, consistent. Pacing is good. Mood and atmosphere are good. The scene lacks a strong narrative tension - what does Patricia want, specifically, and why does she want it. The obstacles that impede her need to be stronger, clearer. Yes, her parents grounded her, but we needed to see it. Show more conflict. Ending felt a little flat. Joke at the end, but it needed a stronger story endpoint.

26843

Really liked the reveal that the guy from the gym is actually the protagonist's arch-enemy. Would like to have seen a little more competitive banter between hero and villain, though, and the ending feels a little soft. It would have been great to see a little bit more of the fight in Steven, as opposed to just learning through action text that it's building back up in him. As a whole, a good scene but taking it a step farther in the second half would have been a bit more satisfying.

26847

There is some gritty language, a real sense of tension, and some cool action; but overall this does not read like a self-contained scene with its own dynamic, but rather comes from a much bigger mythos, and feels like we can’t possibly understand the stakes because everything is so confusing and unexplained.

26848

This is a very funny sequence, adroitly handled and well executed. It veers toward comedic cliche in places, but it's verve and wit gives it some momentum. A really nice ending!

26851

This western scene has a cool crisis and some unique, interesting dialogue. I especially like Warren's voice and the way he jokes about eating Page. I think the setting of this pit could use a little more description because I has a hard time picturing it. It's a pit with 20-foot sides, but it's not like a well because it's big enough for a tree to grow inside of it. Somehow there are shadowy areas along the sides, too. It would help to just provide a general description of the environment once Townsend leaves and Page finds himself with a little time to survey his surroundings. Overall, it's a fun scene with strong dialogue and a nice dynamic between Page and Warren. Good work!

26853

Talking animals are always a cute thing for the movies. This is a well-written and imaginative scene. We do wonder a little about why a guy would keep his soon-to-be Thanksgiving dinner with a bunch of rare birds in his basement, and also how Running Mouth knows that it’s Dottie who will be eaten, but it makes for some good stakes regardless. The connection between Dottie and Henry is cute and we have no trouble rooting for the underdog Henry, but the scene gets a little long-winded. Shorter is always better! In screenwriting, never use 10 words when 5 will do. The ending is comedic and we are glad that Henry finally gets away. Overall, a nice effort. Good luck!

26858

Creative, unique scene. Toots and Samantha are both good characters. Setting is good. Feels very real. Good tension between the characters. The only problem with the scene is that the scene feels more like a play than a scene from a film - because there is not much visual storytelling. It's very talky. The dialogue is good, but the character/actors need something to do in the scene. The premise/concept is good, but the execution could be stronger. Writer has good style!

26860

Author has an original comedic voice. Strong voice. Charles is a unique engaging character. Brett is also likable. Banter between them is great - good ping-pong effect. Non-linear direction is also good. The setup is good, but the scene needs more visual storytelling and the characters need to have stronger, clearer intentions in the scene. It's tool talky - feels like a scene from a play. But writer has a unique, engaging style.

26862

This is an amusing and well-written scene that does a decent job with the prompt. However, we never really buy the setting. Even though the tone is comedic, the Medieval-era aspects don’t really blend with the contemporary aspects, despite some clever dialogue. We wish that Arty would act a bit more like a hero and get a little more motivated to go after his goal, and rely a little less on Merl. The references to Merl being a stoner are funny. Overall, it’s a nice effort but the scene never really grabs us or becomes as spectacular as we’d like. Good luck!

26864

Cool opening with the octopus on the building, with an intriguing premise and good energy, but the scene kind of falls apart after that. Not quite sure who your protagonist is (JOHN or EMMA) or what plan of theirs has been crushed. The cutaway scene, while having good energy, takes us away from the protagonist and is more or less unnecessary in its detail. You can easily show the octopus smash and grab from John and Emma's point of view, and keep the scene focus on them. As a formatting note, be careful with element margins and justification (Dialogue and parentheticals sit at different points on the page in industry standard screenplay format). Other, less forgiving contests would've disqualified your entry for not following proper format. Aside from that, the scene was a solid effort.

26865

This sci-fi scene has some vivid imagery and strong action. I'd like to see the scene focus more on Cain's humanity and his emotions. If we're going to believe that he'd really surrender himself just for knowledge of his past life, we'll need to see that he's not just conflicted but shaken to the core and desperate for a sense of meaning. Also, make sure the action/description lines and character headings (on top of dialogue blocks) use consistent names. Even if characters refer to Cain as Peter in their dialogue, we can understand that people call him different things, but we should know him by one name consistently for the sake of simplicity. Overall, it's a lively, imaginative scene with some strong visuals. Nice work!

26866

Good basic concept behind this scene, though it's a little tough to find rooting interest in Deek, simply because he's such a downer. Igon's appearance is a good turn, but it would have been great to see a little action at that point, if this bargain were to happen in the middle of a battle between the two as the bar gets trashed, ending in them making a pact but leaving total destruction in their wake. In other words, great setup but bigger visuals and movement would have made this scene much stronger.

26868

This wedding day scene takes a great turn once we find out the truth of the situation and Matt comes out of his hallucination. This is a strong premise and a very unique approach to the scene prompt. It seems like the tone in the very beginning may be a bit off, and I wonder if the scene wouldn't be better served if Jessica were a little less hostile in the beginning and a little more loving before we realize it's all a facade. When the bride's first line in response to the classic I shouldn't see you on the wedding day line is The wedding's off. I can't marry you

26869

Scene has solid tension from the get-go, which is cool. The shot teddy bear is a good opening image and line. Not quite clear on what the dashed plan is, or how MONTANA'S objective appears impossible, because they're only five hours from the border and all they need to do is stay ahead of the bad guys. The organ harvesting of the kids works well as raised stakes, and Montana's confronting the ACCOUNTANTS is a nice bit of action. Good effort, overall.

26870

Interesting premise, though it's not clear what the flight simulator in a kid's bedroom has to do with a real plane loaded with passengers. Perhaps we needed a bit more information, especially what CHRIS meant when he said JOSH took control of a plane. It feels as though Chris' plans aren't so much dashed as he is reluctant to follow through because of his nightmare. JOHN'S you can do it coaxing is more a rah-rah speech than something unexpected, even if the heart attack is a surprise (a pretty convenient one at that). Nice job.

26872

Good conflict in the scene, between MONTANA and BRAD, as well as later, between Montana and the ACCOUNTANTS. The appearance of impossibility of Montana's objective (getting to the border) feels more like a hiccup than insurmountable, as the border is close and she can ward off the bad guys quite effectively. Solid action sequence with the SUV attack, and a good touch of humor with the stripped Accountants. Good job here.

26874

Like the magical quality of the scene - the spiritual side. Charley is a good character - engaging. There is good suspense and mystery as we all want to know what is up the hill. The scene could start a bit later - not sure if you need the very first scene, it could start with Charley in the ambulance. Get in, get out. The dream sequence was lyrical. Ending was satisfying, but could have been stronger. Overall though, nice job.

26875

Scene feels all over the place and doesn't follow the prompt. Who is the protagonist here, Brad? He isn't sympathetic enough nor is he really driving the action forward. And how can Alex take him back after he rejected her for Angela. He is only settling for her because Angela isn't interested. Again, the situation is tough to buy into, as are the characters. Dialogue is solid though.

26881

There's a little too much story crushed into a few pages. None of the characters here are completely sympathetic, from Dallas being shallow, to Houston being angry and selfish, to Dallas' mother giving her daughter advice to just give up and dump her husband. Plus, is there really a solution here in the end? Dallas is just going to end her marriage for this job? Feels rushed.

26885

This scene seems like part of a much bigger story, and without the requisite information it's hard to invest in the stakes. Also, the dialogue blocks are too long. Sometimes less is better, especially when you're trying to build tension...

26905

Interesting take on the scene prompt. In an unusual twist the prisoner talks the cop into moving forward and evading trouble and then even helps with the plan that follows. Clever. Smart dialogue captures the characters and the situation well. Ending is a bit off but overall a solid entry. Good work.

26906

Great scene! Fresh, original take on the scene prompt, great job of showing how uncomfortable this moment in a young man's life can be. Loved the interaction between Otis and Sally, which evolves in good ways over the course of the scene. Thinning out the text used to set the scene in the beginning would have been a good choice but that's really the only complaint here. As a whole, very strong scene. Great work!

26913

This is an interesting scene, with some real potential However, this isn’t really written in screenwriting format: which places scenes in scene slugs. Also, a writer should never direct the scene (this is the director’s job!) so in future take out all camera directions, close-ups etc. Getting a screenwriting guide would benefit you as writers in developing your craft

26916

This Hollywood apocalypse scene has some funny satire about famous actors and filmmakers, though I'd like to see more of their on-screen personas influencing their undercover heroics. If Adam Sandler is really an undercover spy hero type, would he act like any spy in distress, or would his on-screen mannerisms somehow influence the way he addresses a crisis situation like this? I think the element of the pep-talk or the call to action could use more emphasis, too. Overall, it's a fun, imaginative scene with an ending likely to satisfy any frustrated writer. Good work!

26921

Jillian is an engaging character. The gargoyles were also engaging. The setup was good and the surprise with the gargoyles was cool. The scene with Eva engaged the reader, but then the tension waned a bit because we were not as emotionally engaged. The afterlife stuff takes us away from Jillian's emotions. But scene was written concisely and tight - which was great. Author has a nice writing style. Creative!

26922

Solid scene, with vivid descriptives and crisp dialogue. Characters pop off the page. Looking beyond the literal translation of the protagonist being crushed

26927

Interesting scene, liked the junkie character, liked the outcome, though the turn from desperate to score to desperate to live felt a bit forced. Even so, a lot of zest in the writing here, a lot of energy in the scene. Job well done.

26931

This a scene that seems to be ripped from a much larger canvas; and as such makes little sense as a self contained exercise. Umbravites? Will of the Wisps? They don't really add to, or define, the dynamic of this sequence, and it mostly comes over as flat exposition, and confusing The bigger story, however, is very intriguing!

26932

The dark tone is refreshing and Erin is certainly an interesting bad guy. Choir singer by day, complicit murderer by night. Nice (albeit twisted) take on the prompt though it would be hard to garner any sympathy points for the leads. Also, how do these two think they're going to get away with it went all evidence will point to them? The plan feels easy and flawed but overall the scene works.

26933

Creative scene, high energy level. Wish we had a little more sense of Jerry's character and a little more rooting interest but even so, a clever, sharp scene. Feels like the gimmick also ran out of steam about 2/3 of the way there, that a leaner version might have resonated a bit more, but again, kudos for the inventive nature of this scene and the high-energy start.

26935

This Victorian house scene has a nice sense of pacing and some solid action in a dramatic situation. I think the scene could use some more practical exposition about who these characters and and what relationships they have to each other. I'd also like to see the call to action get more emphasis, and it would help to know more about the specific consequences at stake for everyone involved if Elizabeth can't overcome John. Overall, it's an interesting scene with some good imagery and strong tension. Nice work!

26938

Liked the tension level here. The scene was high-intensity from beginning to end and didn't pull its punches. Would like to have gotten a little more punch out of the dialogue, to find some new ways to say these things that we've heard in so many police procedurals before. Good pacing, though, and the scene ran exactly the right length.

26945

Might be a bit too much melodrama in place right now. The scene doesn't really evolve, the characters are the same in the beginning of the scene as they are in the end. The prompt requires a shift of some kind, for better or worse, but there isn't one in place right now. Robert ends up standing up for himself in the end but he was doing that all along. Again, let's see the evolution leading to this moment.

26947

Great use of tension from the outset. Really felt the uneasy vibe between these two roles. The dialogue had a good tone to it, although it seemed to be all about what happened in the past (exposition) where it would have been great to get more about the present and future. The reveal about the daughter felt a little contrived in the end, and inorganic to what came before. Liked the tone, would have liked to see a more original and more visual ending.

26951

Unique scene, creatively done. Professor Sugarman is a sympathetic character Sara is also a compelling character. Kevin is a bit stereotypical and one-note. The scene flows well. Tone is good. Mood and atmosphere are engaging. The scene is too talky however. Feels more like a scene from a play. Scene needs more visual storytelling for the screen. The dialogue is good, but Sugarman's blocks are a little long. Writer has a nice style.

26952

This heist scene takes an interesting turn when Trisha swaps herself for Jake's hostages. I'd love to see a little more personal interaction between the two exes once Trisha enters the bank and they have some alone face-to-face time. We could probably use more emphasis on the police presence and the impending danger for Jake, too. Overall, it's a lively, clever scene with an interesting dynamic between central characters. Good work!

26953

This Afghan combat zone scene has some vivid imagery and some very powerful moments. At three pages, it seems a little underdeveloped, and I'd like to see more emphasis given to the relationship between Derek and Sargeant Atherton. Some exposition won't get across to movie viewers (for example, we wouldn't know Andy is Derkek's best friend; we would only see a dead body). Otherwise, there's some great tension and it builds nicley to a dramatic finish. Nice work!

26959

Scene doesn't feel like it really goes anywhere and the solution offered seems too easy and forced. The writer never fully covers Tom's 'job'. What is he doing? He helps teens in some capacity that puts him in danger. There should be more of a direct discussion of it in general. Then, after all of the talk Tom just decides soccer is the answer? Too easy, not enough to solve the very problems he was just discussing.

26960

This is a bizarre and compelling story, wonderfully inventive. However, in terms of pacing it seems to be part of a much wider story, so some of it doesn't make sense in this shortened version. It's great that Narknon goers to a good home! very touching and a nice coda!

26964

Some funny dialogue here. Shamus and Lenny are good characters. The author has a good comedic voice. The scene was a bit too talky and didn't have enough action. It needed more visual storytelling. The ending felt a bit predictable - but it was enjoyable. The very first scene seemed unnecessary. The author could set up the voice in the next scene. Jokes need to move the story forward as well. But, again, good comic voice.

26969

This scene opened well, giving us not only the intensity of the setting but a sharp visual indicator of the stakes when the man beside Shaddick is shot. Though this tough moment brings the first page to life, what follows drags a bit, getting bogged down in dialogue that felt a bit too on-the-nose and ending on a beat that feels considerably softer than the note on which the scene opens. Would love to have seen this scene crescendo to a bigger finish, considering how powerfully it opened.

26970

This hospital sequence has a nice element of intrigue, and Maria's clever bit of detective work provides a satisfying ending. I'd like to see Dr. Young's dressing down and Dr. Wily's promotion get more emphasis because hearing Dr. Johanssen really hitting this points harder will provide stronger focus on Maria's call to action in a subtle way. Overall, it's an interesting sequence with some clear stakes and good pacing.

26972

This is an amusing and well-written scene that doesn’t quite come together as well as we’d like. The premise is creative û Jesus and Lucifer talking politics and sports, but that’s just it! the scene feels a little too ‘talky’ and we crave a bit more action. Whether Jesus would be Liberal or Conservative is open to debate, but we have a hard time buying that HE’D be sitting in an apartment sipping cognac and watching a game. Take away the character names and it could just as easily be ANY two people! It’s okay as an exercise on the scene prompt, but the scene doesn’t really grab us or become spectacular. Remember, originality is key! Good luck!

26972

Scene has some good humor, and the choice of characters has some decent potential. The nature of JESUS' dashed plans could be clearer. Frankly, It's kind of hard to believe that ANY plan would be impossible for him since he's, well, Jesus. The baseball and hockey contests are a nice touch, but would like to get into the meat of Jesus' dilemma (Obama) earlier, allowing for more scene time for LUCIFER to talk him into the bet. The banter-ish nature of the dialogue adds to the fun and keeps the energy up. In the future, make sure you proofread your submission carefully, as the formatting for the first page and a half was all wonky (Scene description as dialogue, etc.) Page 1 features the same opening sequence twice. That said, a good effort on the scene. Nice job.

26977

Entertaining, clever interpretation of the scene prompt. Snappy dialogue and efficient, streamlined style, which makes for a quick read. Giggling SPERM is a hoot. Great job!

26978

The problem with the scene right now is that it feels too much like a set-up for a joke and not enough like an evolving sequence with characters who undergo changes. Amanda's problem may be big but the circumstances make it hard for the reader to take seriously. It all builds to the characters doing a job together in their respective suits, a one note joke. Still, dialogue is sharp and stands out.

26982

Nice animated scene! Barnaby is a lovable engaging character. The scene has good tension because Barnaby is hanging the whole time. The scene is a bit long - the author needs to write concise, tight. Some cell calls don't work - calls generally are non-dramatic. Better to put the characters in the scene. The tension could escalate a bit more. Ending is good - nice twist with the rubber chicken! The scene just needs to be tighter - keep tension up at all times (less calls). But overall, good work!

26983

This a sweet scene, and the dynamic between the two brothers is really nice. Congratulations on a nice sequence.

26999

Solid scene with great energy from the get-go. Vivid descriptives and good characterization through visuals. Nice creepy vibe, too. It might've been cool to stay within the confines of AMANDA'S closet and maintain her point of view throughout the scene, as cutting away to see Eric kind of gives away the gag. Perhaps if you established the dual-eye personality through Amanda's perspective, and show her figuring it out from inside, it might have been more chilling. That said, great work here.

27002

Scene feels awkward and unbelievable. Two buddies decides to resolve a loan by having sex? A straight man willingly jumps into bed with a male friend this easy? Also, doesn't feel like things follow the prompt. None of the characters are down and out in the beginning, they go into the scene discussing the money and sex from jump. Also, the ending dialogue introduces another subplot that isn't resolved.

27004

A well-written and well-crafted scene, with rich characters and vivid description. Great dynamic between ARNAUD and BRUN. The tension is high from the get-go, with excellent ratcheting as the scene plays out. Arnaud's heroic and compassionate ending act resonates. The only nitpick is that you might better label HENRI as the dead man attached to BRUN. You refer to him by name through dialogue and description, but one has to skim back through the scene to link the name to the deceased. Aside from that, a great job with the scene.

27009

This is well-written scene that feels just a little too straightforward. The setting is potentially a creative one, but not a lot is made of it so it feels a little cliche. Dialogue is a little on-the-nose and doesn’t feel entirely authentic for the medieval time period. We feel for Harold and his desire to get the princess, but we crave a bit more action and/or some unexpected twist or turn. Overall, a nice effort that never really grabs us or becomes spectacular. Good luck!

27021

This is a entertaining scene, but it's weakness is that - given that these are presidents - that their dialogue is rather flat and bland, and not the inspirational stuff that we would expect from these titans. Great idea, needs better execution.

27030

This dog scene has a fun, playful tone and some amusing moments. I'd like to see an explanation for how Tucker was able to communicate with the 1-800-FLOWERS guy in order to get the card to spell this message out (when we don't see him vocalize to Master or Mother). It might also help to include some more dog-philosophy or words of wisdom from the other dogs about why dogs should be obedient or what that man's best friend relationship means from the opposite perspective. Overall, it's a fun, lively scene with a pleasant tone. Nice work!

27042

Congratulations on a bizarre and surreal climax that comes really from left field. Ninjas interrupting a voiceover is certainly a novel new twist. However, the sequence doesn't really address the competition prompt...

27044

Solid take on the scene prompt. Great twist at the end as the man running the interrogation realizes he is actually the one being questioned on the sly. Troy seems to handle the news of his wife's treachery a little too easily though. The exercise should be called off by someone else because he is so distracted. Still, good dialogue with subtext and a satisfying conclusion.

27047

The writers have a good combined voice - not easy to do. The scene is a bit long. It should have only been 5 pages. But the scene should start later and end earlier (get in late, get out early). The scene needs to be tightened up, keep the tension up (it wanes when characters are simply talking). Set up is good. The opening is good. The scene feels like it's the start of a full-length script. The ending feels flat, but the journey along the way has some nice moments. Keep up the tension though...

27063

Fun scene -- really loved the relationship between Super Fly and Mr. Doominator, as well as the banter (especially when she tells him she's come there to die and he says not to make a mess). Visually interesting and a strong tone, enjoyable from beginning to end. Nice work.

27068

This Irish cliffside scene has a lot of great, vivid imagery and some nice themes about lost dreams. I think the personal relationship between Cirian and Eoghan could use more emphasis, and the physical presentation of text could be cleaner (for example, a good rule of thumb is not to let action/description paragraphs stretch beyond 4-5 lines, and parenthetical notes should use consistent formatting). Otherwise, it's a very imaginative scene with good potential. Nice work!

27071

Scene has a good, creepy vibe and solid tension throughout. Try not to get too bogged down in visual details and description. Thick paragraphs of description slow down the pace and the read, and oftentimes prompt industry readers to skim; you don't want them missing important story details. Not so sure why MELANIE is crushed

27075

An interesting take on the scene prompt and the dialogue between Roger and Stew works well and creates a building sense of tension and foreboding. The stakes aren't completely clear though right now so a little more background couldn't hurt. The writer has a few more pages to play with so use them to build on more here. A stronger foundation will make a big difference.

27080

Solid scene, with good tension and energy, as well as engaging characters. Dialogue has some good pop. too. The logic behind WILL's decision to release PEARL is a bit sketchy, seeing as that Pearl's divulged the location of his meet-up spot with his cohorts before Will cuts him loose. Now that Will knows about Two Buffalo Creek, he can simply drag Pearl there and rescue his family. It's a win-win for him. Nice job overall, though.

27081

Good scene here, with the protagonist's problem and proposition established right at the onset. Good personal stakes for LAKSI, though it's not clear what the pearl key is for. Knowing that may raise the stakes even higher. Dialogue is solid, though tends to get repetitive. Keep the focus on what your characters want, state it, and then move on. On a formatting note, stick to industry standard screenplay format (12 pt. Courier font, single spaced dialogue, etc.) Other, less forgiving contests will immediately disqualify your entry for not being in proper screenplay format. That said, good work on the scene.

27083

What is happening here? It seems that there's a lot bigger story than this scene alone. As a fragment of a much bigger picture, there is much here that is intriguing, and the dialogue is very well written, but it makes no sense as a self contained fragment. We get no idea of the stakes.

27085

Enjoyable, atmospheric scene. Good dialogue, liked the character interaction. Wish we understood more about what was going on here and why the bullet didn't seem to harm Worth. Is there a real explanation there or a supernatural one? It's not really on the page. Even so, this is a stylish compelling scene with interesting characters and strong dialogue. Nice work.

27087

Good energy and tension right from the get-go. Not quite sure who the protagonist is here, KELLY or MELISSA. The overall plan could be clearer as well. It might help to know a little bit more about the nature and purpose of the list

27089

Good job of raising the stakes on something that feels trivial on the surface and exemplifying the pressures of writing. That said, the scene felt a little gimmicky, which is fine to get it started but it didn't really take it to the next level in what came afterwards. There's always a danger in getting too self-referential and that's the pitfall here. Despite the conceptual concern, though, the writer should be commended for using an economy of dialogue to make their points and creating stakes even when they're not obvious.

27094

Good setting and setup. Author has an original voice - some funny lines in here. Good handle on sci-fi genre. The scene, however, is too talky. This is a great setup, but the characters talk for most of the scene. It needed more visual storytelling, more action. Would like to have seen them fight the Garonians. Major Macho and PowerForce are likable, fun. The scene had a great tone. IT just needed more conflict, tension...

27106

It seems that there's a lot bigger story than this scene alone. Much of the scene is about exposition of events elsewhere, so it feels too talky and flat.

27108

This Chinese classroom scene begins with a strong intro, and it has a nice sense of chemistry between Meyer and Yu Li. The dialogue gets a bit wordy toward the end when Zhao is explaining Yu Li's predicament, and it could use some more imagery (gestures, props, setting, etc.) to intensify the mood during this exchange. The time lapse is not necessary; Zhao can enter the room as soon as Yu Li exits - if not before. Otherwise, it's an original scenario and ends on a dramatic note. Good work!

27118

Solid scene with good energy and snappy dialogue. Character descriptions are well-crafted, concise and paint great images. MELZIE'S dashed plans seem to be more of his doing (he's the one that retired, the COACH points out), and it's not so much him throwing in the towel as it is the rest of the team. Nice visual punch with the TEAM emerging battered and bruised after Melzie's motivational efforts. Nice job with the scene, overall.

27120

Scene varies from the prompt because Darin isn't 'inspired' by Carla, just rehired when the company runs into trouble. There is no great speech about how great Darin is, instead she just offers him his hours and benefits back. None of this really pops and the story feels too focused on witty banter and not enough on pacing. Things don't really progress.

27126

This underground casino scene has a good source of tension once Charles's thugs start to pull their weapons and threaten violence. I think the scene could use a little clarification for the nature of Daniel's relationship to Jack, and I'm a little confused at why Daniel's escape seems so easy. Why do Charles and the thugs let him walk toward the door in the first place? Overall, it's a lively scene with some nice subtext in the poker-related dialogue. Good work!

27126

27127

This musical scene has some nice ruminations on the meaning and objectives of creative expression, and some of Dan's points about the value of music are actually really insightful. The scene itself is pretty dialogue-heavy, so I'd like to see some more emphasis on visuals and actions to complement the conversation. I think the initial meeting of Johnny and Dan might be a little underdeveloped, and I'd like to know how these two unlikely friends go from introducing themselves at a bar to having a drug binge that night. Overall, it's a thoughtful, compelling scene with some nice musical descriptions. Good work!

27131

This is a unique scene with an unpredictable turn of events. There are some nice comedic moments with the secondary characters (Cop 2 is funny, as is the garbage truck driver). We wonder where the police got the idea of aliens, and perhaps there could be more of an indication to Melody that Billy is in the truck (perhaps the thunk of a loud object being dumped out) because it’s quite a stretch that she assume he’s in there. Also, why does he get himself thrown into a garbage truck? It feels just a tad implausible. The story is clever overall, but it doesn’t seem to entirely stick to the scene prompt. Overall, an admirable effort. Good luck!

27132

There is some really cool dramatic dialogue here, with some genuine surprises, and the interplay is fluid. The stakes are well telegraphed at the beginning. The only thing that lets the scene down is that is seems plucked from a bigger story, so the actual solution - the church - doesn't really pay off and feels unfinished.

27133

Kudos on an appealing take on the old superhero genre. It's a little wordy, and could do with some action, but the concept is nicely handled, and the climax is a really neat twist on the story.

27135

This Scottish salmon scene is a very unique, creative take on the scene prompt. It's nice to see members of a different species struggling with existential issues in the same way that people do, and the message of the story comes across clearly and with authenticity. I think we could probably have a little more focus on the stakes and the possible consequences of failure, and I'd like to see the emotional intensity raised a bit, but this is a very compelling, original scene. Good work!

27136

This hospital scene has a compelling tone in the beginning and a surprising and bold twist in the end. The dialogue has a nice element of subtext once we know Ben and Juanita's true identity. I'd like to see a little more characterization for our two lead roles, and with a couple pages to spare, there's probalby room for a more emphasis on visuals during the conversation. Otherwise, it's an imaginative scene with a nice sense of tone. Good work!

27137

This is an interesting fantasy scene, but we don't really get what the stakes are between Susan and Mephistopholes. It seems like part of a larger story; and without knowing this bigger back story, much of the tension is diluted.

27138

This scene is clearly a fragment of a much bigger picture; there is much here that is intriguing

27139

Big kudos for the dialogue part in which Neil advises Seth to go after the girl he wants but doesn't realize it's his girlfriend. Great moment, filled with subtext. This is the stuff of screenwriting -- nice! Also liked the character dynamic -- really felt the history between the three. Would have scored higher in structure, though, if the scene had ended on a bigger beat.

27140

Well-crafted scene with solid characters and style. Consider toning down the directing with your scene description, as we don't need to read about camera moves and slow motion. Let the director direct and the editor worry about how it's going to cut. The writer's job is to tell the story. It seems as though JAMES' is taking himself out of the game, rather than any external force dashing his plans. The impossibility of his objective rests entirely with his willingness to engage or not. Nice twist with the wedding ring, which raises the stakes and re-energizes James. Good job, overall.

27143

Loved the setup here! Scene started strong and takes a great turn very quickly when the dog starts talking. Great take on the scene prompt, great original premise. Banter was good at times but got dragged down by exposition a little too much in the middle, though the last few lines are fantastic. Overall, nice work!

27144

Well, there's a great story here; but it's a lot bigger than this scene. As a fragment of a much bigger picture, there is much here that is intriguing, and the dialogue is very well written, but it makes no sense as a self contained fragment.

27145

This desert scene has a nice sense of tension and some good imagery in the opening. It seems like the scenario might be a little slow in developing, so I'd like to see the kids take the money and leave a bit quicker so they can give enough time to address the issues they now face (ethically and practically). This call to action makes sense in the context, but I think it could be stronger if they had a more emotional response to the whole situation (finding a dead body is probably the scariest thing any of them has ever seen, and this is probably more money than any of them has ever touched - it seems like it might be more difficult to keep their calm in this situation). Overall, it's a strong scene with good imagery and a clear conflict. Nice work!

27146

The good news is that the writer does follow the scene prompt, creating a protag in distress and then adding a second character to come in and inspire action. The problem is that things are TOO straightforward and by the book. The writer doesn't stray far enough from the prompt and demonstrate imagination. The dialogue lacks subtext. An effective entry overall though.

27148

Certainly lots of originality present but in general the writer tries to stuff too much into a short scene. You have to find material that fits the criteria (the scene prompt) and right now it feels like a whole script has been condensed to a few pages so the result is harried and forced. Keep is simple. Also, watch out for formatting issues (skipped lines in the middle of dialogue passages, etc.).

27151

Enjoyable interaction between Aleck and Tom here and a good concept for the scene. That said, there is a bit of a letdown due to the fact that it's easy to figure out who Aleck actually is in the beginning so there's not much impact in calling him Mr. Bell in the end. It seems like that's supposed to be a big reveal but the audience will already know who he is, based on what he's working on.

27152

This is a well-written scene and an original idea, but things feel a little stagnant and ‘talky’ throughout. There are perhaps a few too many characters and we're not entirely sure what they are talking about all the time. The script seems to need some little twist, like perhaps Cowboy got injured in some way other than riding, some way which might anger his girlfriend? It's exciting when he says, 'I'm getting back on that bike

27154

While scene does in fact follow the prompt it does so in too straightforward of a manner. There is no real depth or subtext present. The first character is in trouble and her friend is encouraging for a few seconds and then they move on, the end. No real twists or turns. The dynamic between the women should be more complicated, a tug of war, push and pull, etc. The writer doesn't do anything special with the set-up.

27156

Fun take on the scene prompt though the ending joke was telegraphed a bit early in the story. Other than that things feel relatively straightforward, with the coach giving the protag a pep talk to get him into gear. Try and layer in more subtext into the dialogue so things don't feel by the numbers. Overall, solid effort.

27157

This James Bond parody is a cute scene with a simple structure built into it. I think you could get more mileage out of typical James Bond elements (including a femme fatale or damsel in distress, high tech gadgets, and racy puns), but this is a creative scene with an entertaining approach. Good work!

27159

The scene has some nice dramatic writing, and an intriguing concept, but Makoto's rousing of Toshiro seems a little by the book and generic, as speeches go.

27160

Fun scene -- loved the Ghoul! Some great visuals here and interesting character work. Felt the scene didn't end on as strong a point as it began and would have benefitted from a little more punch in the dialogue. Even so, good, visual scene.

27161

Loved the setup, the connection between the two characters here and the end goals. Just wish the scene had given us more in terms of visuals and movement, instead of playing out almost exclusively through dialogue. Remember, screenwriting is about finding visual ways to tell a story. Dialogue's a part of the process but it needs to be coupled with visuals and action to resonate cinematically. Also felt that the dialogue in the first couple of pages was forced, burdened with explaining the situation when a more subtextual approach would have been smoother.

27162

This is a slightly drawn-out but ultimately very touching scene sequence that has a huge payoff in the end. It unfortunately doesn't stick to the scene prompt very well but instead feels like it could be a great little short film, perhaps expanded a bit. We are curious as to what the combination of talking animals and talking humans would look like onscreen - sometimes talking animals makes us think it's animation, but the humans seemed live action. Are the bunnies real bunnies with their dialogue as voice-over? (like MILO & OTIS) or are the mouths talking? (like BABE) Good stuff overall but remember - this competition is about nailing the prompt! Very promising writing and a bright future ahead. Good luck!

27163

Good characters and a lot of good dialogue. It's easy to want Tony to inspire Peter. That said, the scene is all dialogue and lacking in movement, action or visuals. It needed more of a cinematic style, more going on visually. Though the dialogue itself is individually strong, it's just not enough to carry a scene.

27164

This gas station scene makes good use of setting, and it gains a lot of momentum once David and Dad start having their heart-to-heart conversation on page 4. Leading up to this, we may be overloading on small details that would be better suited for a novel than a screenplay. For instance, describing the image of David's beard/gotee situation is good because it tells us a lot about his character, but we probably don't need all of the detailed lists of what kind of clothes people are wearing, what pockets they're using, and where their sweat appears. I'd recommend focusing more on the characters and their desires and less on minor details; the heart of the scene is the relationship and the start of David's quest. Overall, it's a fun, lively scene with a strong ending. Good work!

27166

An enjoyable scene with lots of imagination. Young Cassandra visits old Cassandra (in disguise) and proves to be inspirational. The dialogue works well and the pacing is effective. The ending could do with a little more pop (and closure) but overall the author follows the assigned scene prompt and things work.

27168

This is a sweet little sequence, distinguished not only by it's simplicity, but by a nice reveal in the last section. If there is a weakness it's that the rising stakes aren't articulated very well, and the same story point is repeated a little. It's a shame that the team - and it's threat, which could real twisted - weren't introduced as a 'third' character.

27169

Overall an interesting take on the scene prompt though it feels a bit bloated right now, using the full five pages for the conversation. The evolution of the dialogue doesn't feel completely even right now, the transition from one topic (from food on) to another isn't smooth. The ending is surprising but doesn't feel earned (a twist for a twist's sake).

27170

This is a well-written albeit outrageous scene that we have a bit of a hard time buying. The idea that bird poop would wreak havoc on a car wash’s grand opening has potential, but there’s probably a little TOO much poop in the first couple pages for it to be believable. The behavior of the Owl seems personal towards Doc but it’s just a tad too implausible. It’s interesting that Doc is trying to protect the bird, so it would perhaps help if we understood the bird’s motivation, if there was any (perhaps make the Bird able to talk or communicate in a way we can understand). Doc decides to take matters into his own hands in the end, which is a nice bit of action, but overall we’re not sure the scene really sticks to the prompt. It’s a nice effort that just falls a little short. Good luck!

27170

27171

The scene grabs us immediately and we are right with Charlie and his outrageous action of trying to set himself on fire, only to be saved at the last second by a gust of wind û great first page! The stuff about Robert Pattinson is cute but slightly implausible û surely an ebay dinner with him would be WAY over the budget of a manager of Hotdog on a Stick! Vinny is great and the way he encourages Charlie nails the prompt on the head. Dialogue is well-done. The final twist of Vinny getting the dinner is unpredictable but feels just a little easy & convenient. Overall, an admirable effort. Good luck!

27174

There's certainly an unusual problem at the center of the scene. Kevin discovers his fiancee is also his sister and can't decide whether to push forward with the wedding. A truly tough situation to be in and there really is no real solution and that makes it engrossing. However Dewey is too over the top annoying in his attempts to be a funny friend and the ending lacks closure (what is his final decision...to gut it out?).

27175

Very interesting setting. Nice, original take on the scene prompt. The characters had a compelling history that came out nicely in the scene, though the dialogue felt a little over-the-top at times. Despite the good setting and high tension level to start the scene, the lack of movement or energy as it continued onward made it drag in its final pages. Would love to have seen this build to a bigger, more visually dynamic crescendo.

27179

Solid scene, original take on the prompt. Writer does a nice job of establishing the location and era and the characters are engrossing. The tension builds as the story unfolds and in the end things reach a crazy pitch. Effective dialogue and scene descriptions, taut pacing and a satisfying ending.

27180

This isn’t a very fluid scene, as so much the plot line happens offscreen, in which the characters discuss what has happened, and will happen, but not what is happening right now, in the scene. Therefore it feels talky and expositional for its own sake, and it’s difficult for the reader to comprehend this as an effort that can stand alone on its own terms.

27181

Creative, inventive. Great tension throughout, and it escalates. Malloch's voice is a good technique and it becomes even better with Katie's Voice... Dent is an engaging character. The scene moved well. Some dialogue was a bit wordy - especially from Malloch. Should keep the dialogue from a character we don't see to more of a minimum. Always write tight, concise. But this was very well done... Great job.

27182

This diner scene has a good sense of tension between Dominick and Kate and some high stakes involving the loss of the van. We could probably use some more general exposition to help us understand why Dominick steals a dead body, whose body it is (his fathers?) and why his mother would be able to resolve the situation. I like the elements of back-story we get regarding Kate's teaching job, and I'd love to see some similar device to give us more information about our hero, his life, and the genesis of this situation. Overall, it's a fun scene with good pacing. Nice work!

27186

Feels like the writer is really on the right track here following the prompt but the ending falls apart. Amy finds inspiration to end her dead relationship though Trevor's love but then she gets off the hook when Greg witnesses them together and ends things before she gets a chance. That undermines her newfound inspiration. Let her be the one to end it and why make Greg so sympathetic so our leads come across as mean? Stay with Trevor and Amy. Still, overall good.

27189

This underwater prison scene has a nice setting and some very imaginative circumstances. The villain is unique, and we get a good sense of action. I'd like to see a little more emphasis on the specific torture elements (how is this different from an above-ground torture chamber?) and the relationship between Josh and Lira. The call to action could also be more prominent and emotional. Overall, it's a tense scene with some vivid imagery. Good work!

27190

A solid, tense scene right from the start. Nice and compact, with good pacing. Not quite sure what CLIVE'S dashed plan is, though. Is the CALLER retaliating for something? Is it all about EVELYN? Are Clive and Evelyn involved? Could be clearer. Lots of potential here, but as written it seems as though the Caller is simply terrorizing Clive without motivation or cause. Good ratcheting of tension with Clive and the letter opener. Clive actually cutting was a surprise. Good work here.

27191

This a nicely written sequence that contains its own manic humor, fueled by a cool time travel concept that allows for some amusing interplay. However, the pacing of the scene tends to get a little buried under the back and forth explanations, and it does deflate Tom’s victory, seeing as it was preordained. That’s fine, but we should have gotten a pithy one line response from our hero.

27192

This supermarket scene takes a unique approach to the scene prompt, and I really like the premise of multiple personalities providing the advice/antagonism. The visuals in the scene could be developed more, so I'd like to see more information revealed through imagery, action, props, setting, and body language. Also, what does it look like when Daniel's multiple personalities show themselves? Does this mean Daniel talks with three different voices? Do two similar looking versions of Daniel show up? Are there any strange visual techniques that show how the world fragments into three versions of itself depending on which personality is ruling Daniel at any given moment? Overall, it's an ambitious style with a nice description of the external relationship. Nice work!

27193

Good character relationship on display here -- felt the tension between Grant and Tom immediately. Wish there was a bit more going on visually here, though, rather than as much dialogue as there was, largely about things in the past (though it skews toward the future nicely in the end). Felt like these characters would have shined in a more energetic scene but that this particular moment was a bit too still to feature them as interestingly as possible.

27194

Solid scene with an efficient, streamlined style that works well for a smooth pace and a quick read. Dialogue feels a bit too expository and on the nose, revealing more information than emotion. Consider saying more with less, but making those fewer words count. And try to use visuals to convey backstory, soaking the scene with subtext. Rather than have KATE as GARY is he's been drinking, show us that Gary's pickled, or that Kate knows by seeing Gary try to hide a flask in his pocket as he approaches her. Little stuff like that works better than dialogue. Good effort, overall.

27199

Creative, fun, unique. The matchsticks were wonderful. Benedict, George and Betsy - all clear characters. The historical setting was great and the use of Paul Revere was great. The scene could of used a little more visual action - but it was always visually engaging. The writer has a great style and a good comic voice. Enjoyed this very much!

27200

There is a great emotional feeling in this scene. We can FEEL Lydia and sympathize with her... it's nicely done. She is a great characters. Hofer is also a clear character. The scene is setup nicely and the tone is also very good. The pacing is good and the scene is concise, which is nice. The opening action block is a bit too chunky. Also, the scene felt more like a play - it needed a little bit more action, visual storytelling. But this was nicely done..

27201

This is kind of funny, but doesn't really coalesce. By the end Jenny is just as much a bubblehead as she was at the beginning, so it doesn't feel like anything has changed.

27204

This isn't a bad scene, but what stops it from truly soaring is that the dialogue is remarkably stilted and stiff. These two young men talk to each other like they are reading from notes, rather than speaking in the moment, and from the heart. Otherwise, this is a classic rousing sequence.

27209

The problem with the scene right now is that it doesn't feel like it truly follows the prompt. This short story is more about confusion than anything else. Nora wants to leave Lottie a happy woman so she tries to help her reconnect with an old lover but mistakenly thinks she's a lesbian. Lottie straightens her out and claims she'll be fine by herself. Then a weird final cutaway is tacked on showing the very man Lottie was involved in sitting by himself. Overall, interesting back and forth but it doesn't fit the prompt.

27211

Tony and Dave are both engaging characters. The setup for the set is good, unique. The scene, however, is a bit too talky. There needs to be more action in the scene, more visual storytelling. The tension has to be ratcheted up a bit, and the stakes raised. The ending feels a bit flat. The dialogue was good and the writer has a nice style, but the tension needed to be stronger.

27212

Good action. Concise writing. Scene has a clear beginning, middle and end. There could have been more revealed about the characters. Why are they fighting? When did it start? Is it something they did every day? Screenwriting is about connecting to the characters on an emotional level and the characters felt distant from the readers. That being said, this was nicely done. Clear story, good action, good ending. Nice job.

27215

Good, original take on the scene prompt. Liked the fresh setting and the banter between the two characters. Well done. Would like to have seen a bit more energy later in the scene, an escalation of the imagery as well as the conversation. Even so, good characters and strong dialogue.

27216

There may be a bit too much going on here. At first things felt straightforward, a man upset about the state of his relationship, but then aliens come into the mix. While this does keep it all interesting it feels uneven. Writer stuffs too much story into five pages and while the pacing works the overall effect is forced. Dialogue is decent overall.

27217

Solid, emotional scene here. Nice, brisk pacing. Good use of flashback to set the backstory and LISA'S seemingly insurmountable situation AND include GRACE'S lawsuit as the provoking incident. Even if it's not the central focus of the scene, Lisa's rising to the occasion is. Dialogue often repeats what we see visually on-screen. Let the images do the talking. Show, don't say. Consider toning down the directing with your scene description, as we don't need to read about camera moves and shot selection. Let the director direct. The writer's job is to tell the story. Good work.

27219

Very visual scene with good action and intensity. Great work in that department! It was a little hard to get a handle on the characters and even a very brief, cursory introduction to them in the beginning would have helped a lot. The dialogue was sharp at times but the language was a little thick -- scaling it back to a slightly more accessible tone would have probably helped. Even so, strong visuals, good use of action.

27220

Some solid writing but overall it feels like the writer follows the prompt a little too closely. The setting and characters are interesting but the dialogue feels too straightforward and lacks subtext. The dialogue DOES however contains some solid laughs thanks to the witty banter and Felicia's sharp one-liners. All in all an interesting and humorous effort.

27221

There is some excitement weaved into the scene but overall it feels like the writer follows the prompt too closely and doesn't really make it his own. The 'inspiration' is relatively straight forward, Jen encouraging Matt to help save her. He ends up doing just that and they both survive but again, would've been nice to see some subtext in play. Things shouldn't be all surface. Also, watch out for typos, like collapse at the end (should be collapses).

27224

Fast paced with twists and turns but the story strays a bit from the scene prompt. Frank doesn't inspire Henry so much as just bump into him and then Henry figures out the truth. In fact Frank is trying his best to get away from Henry the whole time, not comforting him or inspiring him, etc. In general more of a thriller set-up. And in the end Frank kills himself, Henry doesn't take him down. This feels less satisfying.

27225

This is a well-written scene with some nice inherent drama. Security checkpoints at airports are already tense places, so trying to smuggle a rare bird in the crotch of one’s pants is bound to cause some conflict! This scene captures it all nicely. Louis and Dylan have a good onscreen relationship and some funny dialogue, but when it comes down to it, we have a hard time believing the scene. Would a guy’s finance really dump him for NOT doing something illegal such as this? The tone is light and comedic but once they get to the security line, Louis’ behavior is also suspect û almost like he’s trying to get them caught. It’s a nice effort and an interesting, unique take on the prompt, but it doesn’t quite become as good as it could probably be. Good luck!

27226

Solid entry with a futuristic spin that qualifies for one of the genre categories. The dialogue is imaginative and the characters are interesting. The story is engrossing overall and builds in excitement as events unfold. Good work.

27227

A well-crafted scene that brings the satirical funny. And it's topical, to boot. Dialogue has some good pop and crackle. Over the top, sure, but no worse than the Charlie Gibson or Katie Couric interviews. MCCAIN'S seemingly unattainable objective is obvious, though what isn't so obvious are the bad things in store if he throws in the towel (the unavoidable 2008 concession notwithstanding). Perhaps PALIN paints him a worst case Liberal scenario if he bails on the 2012 run. Can't thank you enough for the icky visual of MCCAIN/PALIN getting busy in Wisconsin; it's now burned into my brain. All in all, a solid scene. Great job.

27230

Ouch! This is quite the graphic scene and it makes no bones about it. The writing is strong overall with some nice details, but the characters and situation feel just a little implausible and hard to identify with. The take on the prompt is unique but there’s nothing really ‘unexpected’ in the scene û no twists, turns or surprises, which we crave. Dialogue is pretty over-the-top and feels like it’s always trying to go even more and more graphic (in some unpleasant ways!). By the end we definitely want to see Dylan bash Seth’s head in but unfortunately (or ‘fortunately’ maybe), the scene ends! Overall, an admirable effort that feels like it should come down to earth a bit. Good luck!

27231

Solid scene, with good emotional undercurrent. Efficient style makes for a smooth, well-paced read. Shifting between realities is an interesting choice, though without a real clear-cut formatting delineation between them, it gets confusing. Perhaps some sort of TRANSITIONAL ELEMENT is in order. Is the space world a construct from the stroke? Is it just a dream state? The angel/angle wordplay works well, getting Faye to her desired outcome. Well done.

27238

Dark but fairly interesting take on the scene prompt. The reader found himself asking questions regarding the protagonist's background. What crimes was he guilty of? Is this hell? However this is a good sign that the reader was engaged and cared about the details. Dialogue is strong, a nice layer of subtext in place for good measure. Overall an effective scene.

27241

This is a well-written, nice attempt that doesn't really stick to the prompt and seems to try a little too hard to be 'edgy.' The scene is decently-written and the storyline initially engaging with the hot female lead characters and 'risque' nature of what we think Jackie might be doing, but Karen's betrayal feels a little implausable and things get a tad 'easy' and predicbable with Karen also having slept with Brice. When Silvio comes in, it feels like the story is wandering. Overall, try and find a consistent tone and go for action over too much talk. There are a few spelling and grammatical errors but nothing major. Good luck!

27242

Enjoyed the relationship between Griffin and Tee here a lot (although it would have been helpful to tell us that Tee is a T-Rex when he's first introduced). The banter is pretty good too, except that it runs on about 20% too long. The visual of a T-Rex walking and talking with a kid is great but we get that from the outset. Would love to have seen something new along the way and to have the scene end on a punchier beat.

27243

Very visual scene with a lot of good action beats and a lot of energy and movement. Nice work in that department -- gives the scene a very cinematic tone. The gamer element felt a little familiar, though, and it seems that this scene would have been more powerful simply by removing that altogether. It gives us an unnecessary filter that gets in the way of the reality of the scene. Even so, great job of writing visually and cinematically.

27244

Interesting take on the scene prompt. Good use of stakes and tension at the outset. We were really able to feel what this woman is going through and with regard to a very real issue that people deal with on a day-to-day basis. Great work in that department. The dialogue felt a bit literal, though, and would have benefitted from a little more subtext and a few more mysterious lines, and the twist at the end was fairly predictable, meaning the scene didn't have quite the impact by the time it was over as was intended. Even so, strong setting, great concept here, and a lot of sharp beats along the way.

27245

Enjoyable scene, great job of giving us the history behind the characters' relationship without too much heavy-handed exposition. Liked their interaction, though the scene could have used a little edit and ending on a bigger note would have been a little more satisfying. Overall, a good scene but it could have used a bit more pop.

27246

Jason is inspired by his Nonno so the scene does follow the prompt but the ending feels compromised because Jason's rise to action is undermined by getting stuck in the car window. The ending is comical but sacrifices the protagonist's dignity for it (doesn't feel worth it). Also, Nonno is not the most sympathetic because of past behavior (calling loved ones names, etc.). Make Jason a bit stronger and more respectable and make the ending upbeat.

27247

Strong visual and the scene opens very well. Liked the characterizations and the relationships between them, though the dialogue felt a little stale at times, could have used a bit more punch and style. Also felt the scene outlived the power of its imagery about a page early. A leaner version would have resonated a bit more. Even so, kudos for writing visually and giving us action and movement!

27248

This bank robbery scene has a good sense of tension and a clever twist toward the end. I'm a little confused by why James is so inept and where the other thieves (who he says set up the job) are. The scene could probably use more description up top so we can know if there are any hostages in the room or if it's just the thief, the worker, and the corpse. Also, Forester's dialogue seems a little incongruous with a modern day bank teller in Illinois. Otherwise, it's a well composed scene with good pacing. Nice work!

27248

27250

While of course far-fetched, this is a fun scene inspired by B-horror movies with a great sense of humor. It’s well-written and nails the prompt but things feel just a tad bit too random. Perhaps it would be good to SEE the flesh-eaters rather than just hear them, especially when they talk just like humans. Then we hear that they’re zombies, but zombies don’t really talk, do they? The idea that they used to be their co-workers is interesting û perhaps that backstory could have been explored. The characters are okay but not really spectacular or especially unique. Remember to add slug-lines before the scene. Overall, a nice effort that just feels a little too easy. Good luck.

27255

Dialogue was great. Trav was really solid - a unique, character. VERY funny. A stand-up comic kind of vibe. Ben was a little less developed - a bit stereotypical - but he worked as a straight man to Trav. Writer has a great comic voice. The scene however felt like it was from a play, it needed more visual storytelling. The tension needed to be stronger. Ben needed a stronger intention. The ending felt flat - particularly the last line - and wasn't as strong as the rest of it. Very funny lines!...

27257

Entertaining and clever approach to the scene prompt. Good visuals throughout. Solid, efficient style makes for a quick read. It might've bee cool to have the Lungs involved in the conversation, as the back and forth between HEART and LIVER starts to get a bit repetitive; a different perspective from the windbag Lungs might mix it up a bit. Not sure how we can see the MAN'S mouth from the chest cavity, but that's a nitpick. A well-crafted scene. Nice job.

27260

A solid, well-written scene with rich visuals and characters. Dialogue is both concise and heightened in tone, which works well and bolsters the characters' stature. GAIA'S overreaching to create beings with free will is a good unintended consequence of URIZEN'S encouragement to start over. Not much in the way of conflict or tension until the ending, as Urizen protests Gaia's decision and ultimately threatens to stop her, which is a solid ending. The SUMMIT OF THE GODS scene fragment is a head-scratcher, however. Looks like you ran out of time. Apart from that, there's some good work here. Nice job.

27262

Scene has good energy right from the start. Palpable tension. Dialogue has some good crackle to it, too. Not quite clear how JACOB, as the protagonist, is crushed, or how his plans have been dashed to this point. This just feels like a confrontation. Must admit, though, the abrupt gunshots to the face were a surprise... a good one. Solid effort here. Nice job.

27264

Unfortunately, this scene doesn’t seem to really correspond to the competition prompt. Far from starting with a man who is ôcrushedö, this sequence, rather, details a pretty obscure interchange that seems part of a much bigger story, and doesn’t work as a separate piece with it’s own dynamic.

27264

Henry is a compelling character - clearly drawn, sympathetic. Ma is a bit of a stereotype and a little bit vague. But the tone is good, consistent. The mood and atmosphere are good - we feel Henry. The scene lacks a strong narrative drive. What is Henry trying to do in the scene and why? What is Ma trying to do and why? The ending is a bit flat. But the writer has an engaging style.

27264

This scene starts out well, the use of the urn giving us valuable information without having to explain it, and the tension level high from page one. The dialogue was a little too literal, though, too on-the-nose as Henry bares his soul to Ma. Also felt the aspiring screenwriter angle felt too self-referential, would love to have seen some more creative, lesser known aspiration for the protagonist. The final beat was fitting but didn't have as much kick as it might have. Some solid work on the page here but more subtextual dialogue (or even distant silence), as well as a more powerful ending would have made for a more satisfying scene in the end.

27266

This crabbing scene has a warm tone and a nice dynamic between Timmy and the Officer. Since we get Timmy's name, we may as well call him this from the beginning instead of calling him BOY. Also, the scene is a little underdeveloped in terms of utilizing its atmosphere and delivering on visuals. I'd like to see the Officer provide a little more wisdom in the form of a life lesson that might help Timmy deal with a difficult time, too. Overall, it's a compelling scene with two authentic characters. Nice work!

27267

This is a well-written scene and an interesting take on the prompt, but we feel a little lost throughout. We're not exactly sure what the creatures are! What's a 'Knube?' What does it mean that a 'Tweedlepig' absconds with a 'Gimp?' The dialogue loses us somewhat and feels a tad 'talky

27268

A dark but interesting take on the scene prompt. The doctor and his wife are struggling to survive and sacrifice becomes a necessity, the only question is how far will they go. The conversation between the leads is sad but feels organic and the final decision is heartbreaking but again, a natural evolution. Solid work.

27269

While things are definitely interesting and follow the scene prompt the reader had trouble becoming invested in the scene because of the quality of the characters. Not to say they aren't well drawn but they are NOT sympathetic. Jeanine is a nympho who recently cheated on her fiancee with another man. Then there's Truby who is willing to let things go and not tell her brother. Again, hard to like her for this (she's letting her brother marry a troubled woman).

27270

This has a cool action sequence, economically told; but Bruin's speech to Hercules isn't really much of any substance, and does not impact on the story's conclusion.

27271

Solid dramatic scene, with good characterization and crisp dialogue. STUART'S dashed plans and seemingly impossible objective feel a little fuzzy and could be clearer. Is it regret? The philosophical/metaphysical element is an interesting touch, though what is/was/became of WILSON is kind of oblique and and a head-scratcher, though the see you in another state is good wordplay. Nice effort here.

27272

Solid scene, with good energy and a brisk pace. It seems as though MARTA does more of the rising to the occasion

27273

This is a very funny scene. Even though the zombie and movie genres are a little played out, this makes a decent attempt at wringing some new material.

27274

Solid scene with a good emotional tone and some jaw clenching tension. STONE'S overall plan and objective could be clearer, just like the nature of the bad things that will happen if he throws in the towel. Hasn't he already, by saying he's done? SMITTY'S justification for not keeping Stone in the loop about JASON'S shooting is a bit confusing. Nice descriptive flair here, but try to streamline the detail to its essence. If you can describe the setting in ten sentences, you can definitely do it in five, and if you can do it in five, you can probably do it in two. Good effort.

27279

This is a nice gentle scene, and the two men are clearly long time friends. Their relationship is nicely portrayed. Other than that, this is a scene where nothing much really happens, and the sequence suffers from a lack of impetus or stakes.

27279

This hospital scene has a fun, playful dynamic between Foster and Paul, and Paul has some amusing lines. It seems like the visuals are a little underdeveloped in this scene, and I'd like to see some more the characters use their surroundings more by interacting with the setting or manipulating props during their conversation becasue most of the action/description focuses on body language alone. Also, I think the scene could end on a more substantial note if it hones in on a specific emotion more narrowly. The two exit the hospital room is a little bland, and after a scene with this much fun dialogue, it seems like we should go out on a higher note than this. Otherwise, it's a lively, amusing scene with some good laughs. Nice work!

27279

27281

Scene ends up feeling more like an action sequence than anything else. The prompt provided feels neglected overall. Richard battles with the gunman using both wits and later a weapon but it doesn't feel like there is any change in dynamic as the scene unfolds. There is no change in attitude or perspective when it comes to the protagonist either. An interesting scene but doesn't feel true enough to the prompt.

27283

Vivid imagery and interesting characters abound. Try not to get too overwrought with descriptive detail, as it tends to bog down the read and hinder scene's pacing. Efficiently establish the mood and setting, and then get to the meat of the scene objective. Neither the DISEMBODIED VOICE'S rallying nor ELFRINK and SKOG'S ridicule feels unexpected: teacher encourages, rivals discourage. It might've been cool to at least characterize against type. Overall, a solid effort here.

27285

This is a very cool scene with a big, unpredictable twist in the end. The two characters are varied and identifiable. Dialogue is stylish and pithy and moves right along. We are drawn in by the relaxed setting and the extreme lengths that Jack goes to to conceal his affair, along with his unusual and cocky openness to Roger. It would help in the beginning to make Jack’s first line of dialogue a bit clearer (is he talking to the waitress? Talking on his cell phone? Perhaps an extra beat before he speaks to Roger). Also, Roger could perhaps be a bit more ‘crushed’ in the beginning, as the prompt calls for. By the end, though, the last thing we expect is that Roger is the husband who is being cheated on. It takes a few moments to put the pieces together, but it’s a clever twist and really makes the scene. Nice job!

27288

Overall things work well but the set-up feels a bit generic (cop nearing retirement trying to crack his last case). Still, writer follows the scene prompt and the characters are compelling for the most part. Additionally, the dialogue works well and contains subtext that adds another layer. Ending is effective but feels rushed.

27292

Surreal scene with some good humor. Dialogue is snappy, and the overall pacing works well. Not really sure if we're dealing with an actual crisis here, or why there's a glowing eyed BUNNY in the laundry basket, though that probably doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. GRANNY'S arrival and rallying is definitely unexpected. Nice job.

27296

Scene does follow prompt for the most part though it feels like the writer cheats in terms of length. The font has been reduced in size to well below standard 12pt. Courier font in order for everything to fit in five pages. Still, a decent effort and Carlton is moved to action by Marla Louise. Competent work, sympathetic protagonist and effective dialogue.

27299

Interesting take on the scene prompt. The stuff with Rose and Jordan was especially good, though the moments with the Old Woman didn't quite resonate as much. The reason is that Diane is so unlikeable in those exchanges that it's hard to find a rooting interest. When her guard is down a little in the other location, she's more accessible. Finding a way to humanize her right off the bat would have helped with the flow of the scene. A note on writing style -- if locations change, there needs to be new scene headings to indicate that, rather than running the entire scene sequence under the same heading.

27300

Really enjoyed the setup here, as well as the characters. It's easy to root for Desmond and Piotrowski is very interesting. The scene opened much stronger than it ended, though, with the final beats feeling a little unfinished.

27302

Stylish, atmospheric scene that starts at the height of tension and then keeps the anxiety going until the action-beat ending. It is visual and energetic, giving it a very cinematic feel. Nice job in that department. Another twist or turn in the course of the scene would have been good, though, as it really goes from beginning to end in a straight line very quickly. It also would have benefitted from a little more dialogue punch, though Townsend's aggressive dialogue works pretty well.

27303

Johnny is an engaging character. The setup for the scene is good. Some good details about the characters in 70s. The ending is clear. The scene lacks a strong narrative tension. It's too talky. The characters need more visual action. They also need to have more conflict between them - opposing intentions. The scene feels flat. But the writer has an engaging style.

27306

Energetic scene, filled with strong visuals. Very cinematic in that sense. Tension from the outset carries through to the very end -- again, great job there. The characterizations and the dialogue could have used a little more punch. Didn't really feel like we knew these people well enough to be invested in their actions. But again, great job of writing visually!

27309

An admirable scene with some mature and dramatic themes. We are engaged by Stephen’s story and the idea that Edward is there to take his property is very timely and identifiable. However, things seem to get a little implausible when we learn that Edward had actually broken into Stephen’s bank account. He doesn’t deny it but rather shrinks from it and ends up pleading for his life. This feels a little undramatic and brings up questions of story logic. Wouldn’t Edward, a seasoned lawyer, see this coming or find a way to talk his way out of it? The idea that an honest, elderly man would shoot someone at point blank range is also a tad far-fetched. Overall, a nice effort but one that loses us somewhat towards the end. Good luck.

27311

What is going on here? Nothing is clear. As a self contained scene, this is utterly confusing; which is a shame, because a very interesting story is hinted at...

27313

There seems to be an underlying problem here in terms of the leads that needs to be dealt with but the writer skips quickly to forgiveness, the couple moving on. Isn't there an addiction at play that needs to be considered. This is just the type of problem that shouldn't be glossed over in a couple of minutes. The ending felt forced because of this though the dialogue is effective. Overall a decent effort.

27314

Right now the writer's biggest enemy is time and space. TOO much story is crushed into these five pages and there's barely time to enjoy the ride. When dealing with a limited page count try and streamline, keep it simple. This is ambitious, and the dialogue is solid, but it feels forced and rushed because of page limitations. Also, formatting is off right now, download a script and look it over for tips.

27315

A solid scene with some good dramatic beats and a strong emotional undercurrent. Dialogue seems a little unfocused at times, straying from topic to topic (and possibly due to uneven and irregular formatting), though it hits some good emotional beats, especially when HAKIZAMANA speaks of his family's ordeal. Would like to know a bit more detail about his plan for his daughters. What is the bright future? School? Another country? It's also not clear why Hakizamana is visiting DR. ELISABETH. He's just crying. Is this visit ordered by the LRA camp officials? Is Hakizamana sneaking in to secretly ask for her help? That may add to the scene's tension and overall urgency, and it helps better set up the ending payoff of Dr. Elisabeth agreeing to proclaim Hakizamana fit to work. That said, a good effort here. Nice job.

27318

Great approach to the scene prompt. Loved the setting and the tension to open the scene. Very nice. The tone of the dialogue was also strong and the interaction between the two characters compelling. Though the scene starts out well, the fact is that it becomes all dialogue at some point and then the lack of movement and actions begins to drag things down a bit. This is a great start but a little bit more lively action and visuals would have taken the scene to the next level.

27320

There's some real pathos to this sequence, but overall it all reads a little schmaltzy. The Messenger is introduced but not really defined, either as a supernatural being (how convenient) or otherwise. This is a bit of a generic effort.

27325

Enjoyable scene with a good tone. Really hit the cops vs. criminals vibe in style. Big visuals to open, though the scene slowed down in the middle, and the final beat, while impactful, just wasn't as exciting as what came earlier in the scene. Would love to see it end as big as it opened. The dialogue also felt a little on-the-nose and could have used more of a subtextual layer to really feel cinematic.

27326

Stylish scene with a lot of energy. Liked the movement and visuals, though it seemed disjointed at times and was hard to follow when it jumped locations without new scene headings. A cleaner, tighter version would have scored higher in structure but still, good style and tone.

27329

The scene has a good tone to it. The writing style is good. Marv is a good character - feels sympathetic, real. The scene is a bit too talky - wanted to see more action. Feels almost like a scene from a play. Also, it's not exactly clear what happened. Not exactly clear who, or what, the Roman Legions are. The story has a nice ending. Good pacing... just need stronger conflict between the characters...

27330

This is a very cool-feeling scene that loses us somewhat about midway through. The writing is good, the dialogue pithy and ‘movie-like’ and the description stylish, but as soon as Howard recognizes the Man in Black, it hits him ‘like a ton of bricks’! but we are left in the dark! The whole ‘man in black’ thing is initially exciting and almost feels supernatural to an extent, but then it becomes about a typical relationship thing, which seems at odds with the set-up. What was the ‘deal’ they made? If it is indeed some Faustian bargain, that’s a cool idea, but gets a little lost on us. It’s also a little unclear how Howard is motivated in the ‘unexpected’ way that the prompt calls for. Overall, a nice effort that seems to lose a little steam the further-along it gets. Good luck!

27332

Liked this setup and the stakes, plus the first image, showing the guy in bed with a cast on tells us what we need to know very quickly and sharply. After that, though, the scene stagnates, lacking movement or energy and relying almost exclusively on dialogue. It needed more intensity, more movement, to feel cinematic in the end.

27334

Funny. Walt, Harry are great... and Fifi is a unique comic character. Funny, lively. Scene has a wonderful tone and energy. The scene needs more visual storytelling - there's a little to much talk and banter. The characters also need to have stronger intentions - that are in opposition to each other. Ending with Walt on the brick cell phone is great, but it could be even bigger. The writing has a great style and a unique comic voice. Nice job!

27337

Birdie is a wonderful characters. Doc Ed and Zeb are engaging as well. The writer did a nice job with this time period - felt very real. Mood and atmosphere were great, tone was consistent. The scene had some good conflict, but the tension needed to be stronger. The characters had to have stronger intentions in the scene. What do they each want and what are they doing at the exact moment to get it. Stakes have to be raised. The ending is good, but could have more punch. The scene, though, was well done. Writer has a nice writing style.

27338

There's too much going on here. The writer crammed in way too much into a five page scene and the reader was left unclear on a lot of issues. More questions than answered. The pacing is solid but we never get real information regarding Sierra, her father, Greg's bosses, etc. This is because there isn't enough time. Writer needs to come up with a scene that fits the prompt and feels complete. Also, relationship between the two leads feels forced and dialogue is awkward.

27338

There is some imagination present here but it doesn't feel like things really follow the scene prompt. Detra pleads Alen to help and eventually he agrees but there is where the problem comes in. Alen only agrees because he has 'nothing better to do'. This doesn't feel like he was inspired to action. Also, with only five pages to work with the writer should consider keeping things simple. Don't try to set up a whole new world in limited space because the end result is rushed.

27339

A funny and engaging approach to the scene prompt. Good energy from start to finish. Dialogue has some snap and pop, too, with a few solid inside baseball zingers. Would've liked to SEE and HEAR how each script represents its genre, rather than you tell us what they are: big budget action script

27341

Breezy, good humored scene, with snappy, dialogue-based and visual gags. Efficient set-up and character introductions. It feels as though ADAM'S plans aren't so much dashed as they are crimped by his growing frustration. DAVE'S threat to off himself works both as the bad thing to happen and the unexpected provocation. The MOM/BETH dynamic, while a funny bit of business, doesn't really have much to do with Adam and his ordeal. Solid effort, overall.

27343

This scene tends to read like its part of a much bigger script, and we have no clue as to how these events are unfolding, who the protagonist is, or what the stakes are. As such, we don’t now who is ôcrushedö or how they fight back to change things for the better. It comes over as just too obscure for us to engage with things.

27344

This is a well-written, original comedic scene with several laugh-out-loud moments. The writing is stylish and has some pithy description as well as funny dialogue. It’s a unique take on the prompt and despite the far-fetched aspect of what happens, it works and we buy it. The characters are identifiable for the tone and it would’ve probably been even more hilarious to add some quick flashbacks of the actual event of Brent licking the girl’s face (actually seeing it would surely cause increased laughs). Overall, nice job and good luck!

27345

Entertaining scene with crisp, snappy dialogue and good funny. Nice work.

27346

Things do build here but just when things really get exciting the scene ends. This is because the writer is trying to cram too much story in a single scene. The best bet is to streamline here, edit things down. Also, the characters don't all feel sympathetic and that hurts the appeal as well. Overall the writer does follow the scene prompt and demonstrates imagination but the scene isn't firing on all cylinders right now because of the problems discussed above.

27347

There's some nice dialogue here - particularly Evans's repudiation of the craven nature of the literary business, but the threat doesn't really end with a cool flourish, because Evans starts on his mission of destruction on page two and everything after that just sees him enact it with no rising stakes. Spleen would need to change the balance a little to give us a worthy climax.

27348

Solid scene, with well-drawn characters and an efficient, easy to read style. Not quite sure what plans, if any, of JAKE'S have been dashed (other than living, of course). He doesn't appear too upset about the prospect of being inside the shark. Your use of INSERT VIEW OF BOAT IN SHARKS MOUTH is visually confusing. Is this from inside the shark looking out at the boat, like a SHARK POV? If so, you might consider simplifying the slug to say just that. Good ending twist. Nice job, overall.

27349

This is a well-written scene that doesn’t quite hit the mark. The situation is just a little hard to identify with and, while David is certainly focused on his goal of asking his friend Lindsay Lohan out, he’s a bit hard to sympathize with and root for. Aside from his being depressed and torn, there’s not a lot of conflict in the scene. Perhaps it would be more interesting if he didn’t REALLY know Lindsay Lohan, or if there was some doubt in our minds as to if he was telling the truth. We crave some kind of surprise or twist in the end. Overall, an admirable effort that falls a little short in the big picture. Good luck!

27351

This is a fun, decently-written scene that feels just a little too talky and on-the-nose. The set-up is simple enough and it’s an interesting place to start a scene (in the midst of a robbery), but things seem to get a little too dialogue-heavy once Fritzy comes into the picture. Jackson’s pep talk is a little too straightforward and it feels a little ‘easy’ that Fritzy buys it. I’m not sure Jordy adds a whole lot. It’s not necessary to put colons after each character name. Overall, a nice effort that doesn’t really become as spectacular as we’d like. Good luck!

27353

Nice stuff here, but this isn't written like a screenplay. It's a novel in disguise, with huge action blocks and dialogue sections. A script formatting guide would help the writer construct some appropriate sequences in the future. There's a cool story here: but it's not formatted properly...

27354

There's a nice quality to the writing. Lou and Dr. Barton are likable, engaging characters. The scene has a good setting and a good premise. The execution needs to be stronger. The scene was too talky. It needed more visual storytelling. It felt like a scene from a play. The intentions of the characters in the scene needed to be stronger as well. The ending was satisfying but the journey along the way needed more narrative tension.

27355

Entertaining and visually rich scene, with cool characters and a great vibe. Not seeing GARY'S plan dashed or his objective seemingly impossible so much as he just doesn't want to deal with guarding the book anymore. He's got other things to do, like TGI Friday's, for example. Solid magic imagery, though, and the dialogue has some snap to it. Nice work, overall.

27356

Fun and entertaining scene. An imaginative take on the given prompt. Marianne and Paige are effective lead characters and their dialogue shines throughout, building them up and setting the tone for the scene. The original setting (modern Civil War re-enacments) also adds another layer and the ending is satisfying. Overall, good work.

27357

Writer does a nice job following the scene prompt. The story has a few interesting twists and turns and Katrina stands out as a cool girlfriend/fiancee ready to take action when she discovers the engagement ring she was about to receive was stolen. Watching Aron deal with this new information is half the fun and he decides to join up with her.

27357

Author has a wonderful voice. Comedic. Engaging style. Aron and Katrina are both engaging characters. Scene setup is good. Setting is good. The action in the first part of the scene, with Uri is wonderful. The scene, toward the end, gets a bit too talky. Katrina is telling him a lot of information - exposition. It would be better if we saw more action, more tension. The exposition slows down the scene and makes for a flat ending. BUT I enjoyed the scene very much. Funny, lively, quirky... great.

27359

The concept of Long Island Mullet Man is kind of funny, but it does mean that the only way that Mark can get out of his dilemma is to become a superhero which, at this late stage in the sequence, seems a bit of a cheat. It's funny and all, but it seems too convenient. Too easy.

27360

This is kind of talky, and the humor feels overstated: coming more from a sequence of ironic observations, rather than from any implicit character interplay.

27361

This is an intriguing concept, but seems to be part of a much bigger script. Without the essential back story needed, what remains is a rather confusing and dramatically unsatisfying exchange (what is the significance of the money and the car?). The dialogue, however, is really good, and the concept itself is highly appealing.

27362

This apartment scene may not be a jaw-dropper in terms of premise or originality, but it has a great grasp of the drama of its situation, and it feels very genuine and honest. The dilaogue does a fine job creating backstory and heightening the tension while simultaneously developing the relationship between Matt and Sean. At only four pages, there's probably room for development in case you want to answer questions like how Matt screwed up his relationship with Stacey or why it seemed so perfect. Otherwise, this is a strong sample, and it feels like a real movie moment. Good work!

27364

Nice fantasy scenario, but the scene itself suffers from too much complex information, what with various stories and alliances and conflicts introduced but not really clarified. The result is that Durbin's information ties things up without Frye having earned anything or become active in his own destiny, so we get no sense of achievement.

27366

Wow. Excellent scene: great dialogue, nice action, wonderful final climax.. but none of it makes sense at all. Without knowing the bigger back story to this scene, it's all exposition and confusion.

27367

Solid scene with well-drawn characters and crisp dialogue (and very tight spacing, to boot). It's not clear who your protagonist is, JOSH or WHELAN, as it's Whelan who seems to have had his plans dashed even though he's also the provoking character. That said, we really don't get to the meat of the scene until we're nearly four pages into it. In an exercise such as this, with an imposed page limit, the trick it to establish your problem early and spend quality scene time solving it. The info's all here, it could just be laid out more efficiently. Nice job, overall.

27369

Interesting writing. Strong setup and good payoff in the end. Scene dragged a little in the middle and didn't make full use of the zombiette when she showed up in the end. Liked the battle of wits between Huck and Rhonda but it would have been great to see them hash it out WHILE feeling the heat from a stalking zombiette. Atmospherically strong and good tone, though.

27370

There is solid dialogue in place and the characters are well-defined and sympathetic. However right now the scene feels too straightforward. There isn't a lot of subtext in the mix. The writer has followed the scene prompt too closely without finding a unique way to really make it standout from the pack. Also, the threat of danger never felt real which undermines the story.

27371

Mary and Jeni - both engaging characters, with great attitude. Liked them very much. The tone of the scene was great, mood and atmosphere were wonderful. Author has a strong voice. Some good humor in the scene as well. Scene all had an strong emotional core underlying it. The tension should have been a little bit stronger, more urgent in the scene - ratchet up the stakes. But it worked. Ending was touching, poignant. Fun, warm-hearted - good job!

27372

Nicely done in terms of tension, but this sequence suffers by transplanting was is essentially a talking piece onto a fight scene, and the pacing is off as a consequence throughout.

27374

This is a great story with some dramatically inventive work that intrigues and tantalizes; but it seems that there's a lot bigger story than this scene alone. As a fragment of a much bigger picture, there is much here that is intriguing, and the dialogue is very well written, but it makes no sense as a self contained fragment. What is the tension between the two Craigs and why should we care? If we don't know the stakes we can't be invested based on the little that we see.

27375

A quick moving and energetic scene. Dialogue's crisp and punchy, too. The stakes for SAMSON throwing in the towel could be clearer and heightened, perhaps, as it appears he's already lost the town. What happens to those millions counting on him if he gives up? The memory via the stuffed animal is a cool approach, though there's no way for an audience to know that it belonged to Samson's dead daughter unless they get to read your scene description (which they don't). Revealing that information either visually or through dialogue (preferably the former) would've been the way to go. Nice job here.

27376

Solid, engaging scene, with well-drawn characters and crisp dialogue. Not getting a sense that SARAH had any plan or objective other than to make JASPER'S sword. Also not feeling that she's at a low point from which she needs to be raised. The idea of Jasper concocting the dragon to fulfill a prophecy is cool, as is the predicament he has caused. It's just not as relevant to Sarah as it could be. A good effort here, nonetheless.

27380

A smart and compact scene, with solid dramatic beats and efficient yet impactful dialogue. The harvested rice reveal is a nice touch, but it's not clear where it came from. Is this from ILAMA'S pattie? Is it from FURAHA'S family's pattie, harvested in spite of the chief's punishment? Perhaps Furaha needs an additional line to call back and reinforce her earlier stated beliefs. Madeline having had no idea that the rice had even been harvested reads too internal. The audience needs a bigger hint on-screen, as they don't have the luxury of read your scene description. That said, excellent work here. Nice job.

27382

There are some nice moments in this scene. It is creative, inventive and an original sci-fi scene (something different than the norm). Even though Corky is in trouble the scene lacks an urgency. The last two pages have a stronger tension then the first two pages - which felt too talky. The ending was a bit flat. But this was fresh, lively.

27384

This is a really dark scene. Technically the writer follows the prompt but the overall story feels uneven. First G inspires his friend who is dealing with tough news but then suddenly they become enemies when G admits to exposing Craig's sister to HIV. Then they are at each other's throat, ready to kill and G walks away threatening Craig. Story gets lost here. Stick to the first part of the scene, don't let things get derailed.

27385

This story seems to be part of a much wider mythos, and consequently this tiny piece of the tapestry makes no real sense. It's all exposition, with nothing being clear or actually happening in the moment. Nice fantasy world, though; it sounds very intriguing!

27386

Loved the topical subject matter here and the relationship between Becca and Derrick. Would love to have seen Derrick take even bigger action in the second half, though, and get more of a sense of the guilt weighing on his soul, prompting him into action.

27387

Enjoyed the characters here and the high stakes of a child's life, their entire world being school and home. The writer does a great job of bringing that reality to life. Would like to have seen a few more visuals in this scene, as well as another turn or two along the way. Also could have used punchier dialogue but still, good character work.

27389

Scene has good energy, and the adult shop merchandise makes for some solid visual humor as a backdrop. 70-year old WOMEN and dildos are always good for a laugh. Dialogue is extra heavy with exposition and backstory, though. Try and let that information emerge through character action and visual cues as well. Maybe CHARLIE checks his watching over and over, or he's unusually dressed up (for his date) for someone who works in an adult shop. Give us clues so you don't have to rely on your characters telling us everything. The same goes for the OLD WOMAN'S dildo dilemma. Do we need to know about dry albacore? Keep each characters' scene objectives focused. That said, the quadruple dong is an interesting surprise, but Charlie's objective of getting to his date (or was it to study for that med exam?) goes unresolved. A solid effort, nonetheless. Nice job.

27390

How do we know that Abigail is a stunning beauty when we only hear her voice? This sequence seems part of a much bigger story, so this 'jigsaw segment' makes little sense without knowing the bigger picture. There is some fine writing here, but it just doesn't add us as a stand alone...

27392

Good, solid opening imagery and energy, especially your character introductions. Let the backstory bits about PERRY'S glorious apartment and his burning and beating come out via dialogue (which you do a half page later). The audience doesn't have the luxury of reading your script (or your explanation for how Perry got to this state), and they're only privy to what they see and hear on-screen. Would like to know more about what Perry's objective is/was before it all went south, as well as what happens if he throws in the towel and gives up. Nice bit of humor with the mother suggestion. Again, though, let Perry's sly smiling do the talking. You don't need to tell us what the smile means. Good effort here, nonetheless.

27393

Entertaining scene. The APPARITION is an interesting approach. Would've liked to see MICHAEL already at his low point at the beginning of the scene, allowing more scene time for the APPARITION to convince him to pursue SARAH. Let the backstory of how he got to that point (the dashed plan, him being crushed) come out through the dialogue. The same goes for your character intros. You're providing us backstory through your scene description, which the audience has no way of reading. They only receive this info through what they see and hear on-screen, and that also includes character emotions, which should come out via what they do or say. Good effort here, nonetheless.

27394

Interesting setup, liked the basic idea behind this scene concept. The dialogue felt a little on-the-nose and literal, though, and a more mysterious debate about what was going to happen would have made it a bigger, better surprise in the end. The end felt a little predictable but again, dialogue that seemed as if it was about Abdul believing in OBL rather than so clearly questioning him would have added a nice layer in the turn.

27396

This chess club scene has a quirky protagonist and a fun style. When Mr. Ribli joins Spencer for a game, it seems like he could use his pieces more strategically or metaphorically to get his point across; otherwise, they could just as easily be sitting there without the board and have the same conversation. I'm a little confused why Natalia would return for this last chance moment after being snubbed like she was. I'd like to see the stakes a little higher for Spencer because it seems like the penalty for inaction isn't that severe. He has little emotional investment in anything outside of chess, so it doesn't seem like he would actually care once he realizes that Natalia has a crush on him. Otherwise, it's a fun scene with strong pacing and nice characterization. Good work!

27398

This domestic abuse scene has some strong pacing and a good feel for the action, but I think the conflict is a little underdeveloped. Instead of beginning with the start of this fight, I'd like to see you develop some back-story first. What is the cause of this violence? Did Tracy call for help or is Anna showing up unsolicited? What issues are at stake in this abusive relationship? Overall, it's a fast-pace scene with some bold choices. Good work!

27401

This starts off terrifically, but by the end of the first page, and certainly after, everything gets very confused. A screenplay should show us what happens clearly, and the kick of having Terrance morph into - what, a dolphin? - isn't described within the text. Overall, what could have been an interesting visual exercise gets lost in itself.

27402

There's a lot going on in the scene which kept things engrossing but the reader was also left unclear as to exactly who was doing what and why. Leaving big questions open ended can cause frustration. The characters show real personality but hint more at what motivates them. This confusion means the story doesn't totally follow the scene prompt.

27403

This Bahamas murder mystery scene has some interesting plot developments and a nice, eclectic mix of characters. If John is going to be so important in the end, I think it would help to establish him earlier and maybe give him a few lines to say out loud. Is there any reason why he can't provide some information during the questioning phase? I like the red herring when Jessie goes after Maggie Jane, too. Overall, it's a fun scene and the use of clocks provides some good clues. Good job!

27405

This prelude the to Oklahoma City bombing takes a very interesting turn once we sense Andy's sinister intentions and realize the manipulated patriotic dialogue is intended for evil. Making Timothy McVeigh the protagonist is a bold choice, but with such a prominent and real-life terrorist at its core, it will be very tough to make an audience relate to him. The key will be not making him likeable, but making him interesting, like other great anti-heroes like Richard III. I'd like to see more focus on Tim's inner psyche and source of motivation, but otherwise, the scene is a dramatic, and confident approach to the prompt. Nice work!

27406

Good introduction into the scene, liked the high stakes, although the scene itself didn't quite have the frantic tension level it seemed to need. Yes, we got the urgency from Travis but that was all from dialogue. It would have been great to get a more visual look at what was happening. Also, while the scene ends on a couple of good dialogue lines, it feels premature in terms of narrative, as if there were still a beat or two to come. Another half-page, showing him beginning to take action rather than just saying that he's gotten his second wind would have helped.

27408

This rescue scene does a good job establishing Danny's family situation and his source of motivation. I think the action would probably be more compelling I structured as an individual scene rather than a short film with several scenes packed into four pages. For instance, we could see Danny only in the aftermath of the fire (or maybe see a dream/flashback of the event) before coming back to reality shortly before this car accident. Otherwise, we've got a sympathetic hero with some good back-story and a strong sense of motivation. Good work!

27409

Interesting approach to the scene prompt, especially with the Super concept. The nature of BETH'S dashed plans and seemingly impossible objective could be clearer, as it's hard to follow what's going on here. Some good back and forth dialogue keeps the energy up. In the future, let your intro paragraph details emerge through dialogue and action during the scene, either visually or through dialogue (preferably the former). That said, a good effort here. Nice job.

27412

Great job of adding the sexually charged layer to the dialogue -- it really helps bring the scene to life and has the feel of cinematic writing. Nice! Still, the scene would have benefited from a bit more action, and the phone call from Carson feels like it comes in too late and ends too abruptly to have the impact it could. But again, great job of using very cinematic dialogue to liven up the scene.

27416

Solid scene with good tension from start to finish. Dialogue works well, even if a bit bloated. Perhaps a trim and some streamlining might help to pick up the pace. Boil your character objectives down to their core. If you can express a thought or idea in three sentences, you can probably do it in two, and so on. It's not clear how HARVEY is crushed or how his plans have been dashed. He seems deadset on following through, no matter what MARTHA tells him. Nice ratcheting of tension with the explosion and confrontation with THOMPSON. As a formatting note, pay attention to industry standard format when submitting to screenwriting competitions (12 pt. Courier font, margins for page elements, etc.) Your dialogue margins are unusually wide. Other contests aren't as forgiving, and you'll be disqualified. That being said, solid effort here.

27417

A solid scene that gets right to the matter at hand, starting the energy at a high level, and then maintaining it throughout the scene. Dialogue has a good fantasy genre feel to it, though it can get a bit expository at times with informational detail best served by character action or visual clues. NIM'S suggestion of raising JARED'S spirit is an interesting twist, given ZEPHIERA'S Necromancer abilities. On a screenwriting craft note... Leave the visual character traits (looks, age, etc.) to scene description, rather than write them as parentheticals, which are reserved for small character gestures or to add emotional emphasis to dialogue. That said, a good effort here. Nice job.

27419

Intriguing setting for the scene prompt, with a colorful gallery of characters. The nature of ANDROS' plan and objective could be clearer. It's also not very clear how he is at his lowpoint and crushed and considering throwing in the towel, or who exactly rallies or provokes him to rise up. This could be due to the fact that the the scene feels overloaded with jargon and buzz words that distract from the core story within the scene. Yes. there's something about the Pocket 8 black hole, but beyond that, it's tech word soup. Consider using the jargon as spice and flavoring, and let the story and characters carry the scene. Not sure what the bold type is about here, but if it's to introduce characters, let the scene description handle that. That being said, nice effort on the scene.

27420

This barnyard scene has some fun characters and a clear, compelling mission. Armando is an entertaining character, and Cerberus's presence provides a nice source of antagonism. I'd like to see Armando learn a little more about Billie before he makes it his mission to restore her love because right now he seems to show up only to help our heroine when she needs it. Overall, it's a creative situation and a fun scene. Good work!

27421

An interesting scene that’s fairly well-written, but it feels a little talky and dialogue-heavy (try to avoid large chunks of description on the page, which can be very daunting for a reader). We are not sure of the time period from the beginning, wondering if its present day or Victorian times, and we slowly start to realize that it’s a reenactment of the Lincoln assassination. It’s interesting but we’re not sure of the point of such an approach. It’s decent overall but we crave a final twist or payoff that explains the theme and premise, which definitely have potential but fall a little short here. Good luck.

27423

It's a nice 'reveal' at the end, but in the interim the fight scene comes over as lame: mainly because 'Lance comes over as more philosopher than warrior.and we never believe that there are any stakes to begin with.

27425

There are some stunning visuals here, and nice action descriptions, but the story makes no sense as a self-contained exercise. We get no sense of the characters' conflict, their objective, or how they solve the situation.

27432

A funny blend of science and comedy. Peter and his wacky inventions are given a kick of inspiration by Jack and the ending is satisfying. The dialogue is funny as well and elevates the material. Original take on the scene prompt, worthy of a solid grade. Good work and use of pages, creates strong pacing.

27433

Great visuals and energy in this scene! Loved the setting and the tension inherent in it, as well as the aggressive relationship between the characters. While the setting, characters, and visuals were strong though, the scene could have used another dialogue pass, as the first half felt expository and on-the-nose and the second half became far too preachy and speechy. This same scene with half the dialogue, written with more subtext and less literalism, would have scored much higher. But again, great job of writing visually and energetically.

27434

The scene really starts moving with the introduction of Iona, but the preceding pages take too long to set up the essential situation. The subsequent sequence is a little ambiguous and could be better clarified; are we supposed to believe that Ed is gay and doesn’t know it, but Jerry always has? Kudos on Iona’s martini dry responses, who comes over as the most interesting character.

27436

Very cute scene. Good animated dogs - Lenny is great! The scene has a good tension. The tone is wonderful. The mood and atmosphere are good. The scene is unique. The tension needs to be a bit stronger - they need to be in even more danger, time has to be running out. Lenny's speeches are great, but they are too long. Scene becomes too talky.

27436

27437

Parts of the scene follow the prompt but for the most part Ronald ends up playing a distant secondary character while the professor lectures and lectures and lectures. Things shouldn't be so one-sided, there needs to be more of a balance with the dialogue. No speeches, no diatribes, a conversation. Also, avoid putting exposition in scene description, get information across to the audience through organic means.

27438

This is a very cool, bold and well-written scene. The imaginative setting is unique and something we don’t see very often. The hero’s situation feels very dire and inherently dramatic. There’s a nice mix of dialogue and action, with the attacking corpses providing eye candy as well as suspense. We are intrigued when the mother’s voice comes in and what seems like a Faustian situation for Jack comes full circle in the end when he makes a decision û right or wrong? We can only wonder, but the scene makes us want more, which is great. Some scrutinizing readers might feel that it doesn’t entirely nail the scene prompt, but the pros outweigh the cons and as a short scene for this assignment, well done! Oh, it’s always great to include a quote from Nietzsche! Good luck!

27439

This dorm room scene provides some nice tension once the campus police show up. I'd like to see a little more exposition early on so we can know more about Daniel's crisis and give him a more specific call to action. It would also be good to prolong the moment with the police outside the door if Daniel's escape were more difficult or if there were some additional obstacles outside the window. Otherwise, it's an interesting scene with some authentic dialogue. Good work!

27440

Jake, Ward and Soledad are all engaging characters. Tone is good, consistent. The setting is good and the author has a great feel for this genre. The scene moves along nicely. The pacing is good, though there could be more tension in the first part of the scene. The ending felt a little flat, and a bit predictable. But the author has a nice writing style.

27443

Fresh, original take on the scene prompt. Great job of raising the stakes on something seemingly small. We really feel the heat of the moment here! Loved the interaction between mother and daughter and the spirit of the competition. Action felt a little thick near the end but still, a strong scene. Nice work.

27444

This alley and barn scene has some nice tension in the beginning and a nice sense of atmosphere. I think it might be better to focus on the relationship between Molly and Jake more rather than bringing all of the peripheral characters into the picture later, and I think the call to action could use more emphasis. It would also help to find out more about what's at stake for Molly if she can't prove her innocence. Is she looking at serious legal problems? Shame? Alienation among family? Overall, it's an interesting scene with a solid relationship at its core. Nice work!

27448

This roadrunner scene has a nice element of family drama projected into the animal kingdom. It seems a little underdeveloped, and I'd like to see a little more emphasis on the relationship between Gig and Mother Roadrunner. Some more back-story on how the eggs came into the humans' possession would help reinforce the story, too. Otherwise, the scene clearly defines its conflict and sets up specific goals for a compelling hero. Good work!

27450

The scene feels all over the place right now and doesn't totally follow the given prompt. The appearance is completely off as well. Writer should download some screenplays and look them over. The font and formatting are all off. Dialogue is relatively straightforward and the story feels inconsistent. From the protag having a bad day to discussions of aliens.

27455

Creative, inventive, fun... Dougal and Millicent are both engaging, lively. The setup for the scene was good... Setting good. The paranormal aspect was great... and used in a very fun way. The scene needed a stronger narrative drive, something urgent that was moving the scene forward. There was conflict between the characters but it needed to be stronger... felt flat at times. A little too talky as well. But, this was very well done.

27456

There is some potential here in terms of a horror scene. The writer does follow the scene prompt closely and things are exciting throughout. The characters are sympathetic because of the danger and the dialogue is lacking in terms of subtext but it works considering the genre. Overall a solid effort.

27457

Aside from a few typos (explanation, not explination) the scene's biggest problem right now is that it doesn't feel like it follows the prompt. Jonathan isn't looking to be inspired, he's just getting beaten on by his father until disaster strikes. Ultimately there is supposed to be inspiration, the protag inspired by another. None of that is present here. Overall, very dark and the ending doesn't make sense (suddenly the father has a change of heart).

27459

Liked the banter between characters a lot. The dialogue had a good flow to it and the tension was evident in every word. The references to Thelma and Louise felt a little on the nose, though, and the scene ran on about a page too long in the middle. A tighter version would have scored higher in structure. Even so, good character work, strong dialogue.

27462

The mammal movie world is an intriguing approach to the scene prompt, which makes for some funny bits and inside jokes. A few of the Flintstone-like name changes fall flat, though, as one needs to re-read them a few times to get the joke (DP Llama

27463

This Capitol Hill Commisary scene has some quirky dialogue, quick pacing, and a fun sense of play throughout. The political parallels could probably have a more focused approach if we knew more about the characters of Barry, Mitch, and John - specifically, the kind of social/political figures they might represent. I think the stakes could be higher if we see Barry's emotional investment in his career or restaurant a little more, and I'd love to see more prop use to convey information so it's not all dependent on explanation through dialogue. Otherwise, it's a fun, lively scene with a unique style. Well done!

27464

Trevor and Janice are engaging characters. The scene starts off with a bang - inventive, creative, exciting. The world the author has created is very good. Mood and atmosphere are wonderful. Tone is consistent. There is an urgency to the scene. Good tension. In the last two pages there is a little to much talk between the characters - keep the tension up, escalate the conflict. But the ending is strong... Nice job!

27465

This is a mightily strange and surreal sequence, but it doesn't really add up in a cohesive fashion so that the final climax makes sense. Great final sequence, but what doe sit all mean? This seems to be part of a bigger story.

27466

This Wyoming hotel scene has some strong characterizations for Sister Tarry and David Ashley, and it builds tension nicely. It's got a little room for development, so I'd like to see some more action or dialogue to fortify the scenario more. We don't know much about this community, how David escaped (from the priesthood?), or what constitutes escaping versus remaining imprisoned. We could probabl use more focus on the nature of the relationship between Sister Tarry and David. Otherwise, it's an authentic feeling scene with strong visuals. Good work!

27467

Great use of competitive dialogue to light a fire under the main character. Liked the character of Lee a lot, even if the aging ballplayer is a role we've seen a lot of in the past. Still, he's right for this scene and Peck works in stark contrast to him. The outcome was a little predictable but that's not necessarily a bad thing when it comes to writing about sports, since we generally know the good guys are always going to win and it's just a matter of how, not if. A note on writing style: thin out the descriptive action text as much as possible. Screenwriters are judged on their brevity and it's a dense slog through what's on the page here. The scene itself is good but the excess of language to tell it gets in the way.

27470

Enjoyable scene, loved the direction it went in the end, though it took a while to get there. Would have loved to get a little more punch from the dialogue and a little more relationship between the human characters. That said, the dynamic between Swanson and the spirit in the end is great.

27472

This cafe scene has a very quirky, unique tone and style. It's interesting to see the truth behind what seem like bizarre rantings coming from Calvin in the beginning. I wonder why Phyllis is so direct and obvious about her wanting to get Calvin to eat the doughnut. If she's clever enough to disguise herself and appear right in front of him, it seems like she'd be smart enough to take a subtler approach to this whole doughnut situation. Overall, it's an interesting scene with a unique style. Good work!

27473

This car scene has a good sense of tension between Constance and Brandie, and Brandie provides a good source of pressure encouraging Constance to act. I'm not totally clear on why the guitar was such a huge issue for Constance, and it might help the scene to explain this reasoning a bit more thoroughly. Otherwise, the V.O. providing Constance's thoughts add a nice element of subtext to the dialogue she speaks out loud, and the scene builds some nice tension in the end. Good work!

27474

Good setting for the scene. Paul and Jake are good characters. They are emotional in the scene and there seems to be a tension - but it's not between them. They are talking more then they are doing. We need to see more conflict between the characters - we want to have characters with opposing intentions in the scene. But the scene had a good tone and the writer has a good style.

27475

There are some thrills and chills in the scene but it feels like the writer may be cramming too much into the limited space. Plus, things don't completely follow the scene prompt. The protag should find inspiration to act (for better or worse) in the dialogue but that doesn't really happen. Dark violence but effective dialogue with subtext.

27480

This is a fun and timely scene with a unique, imaginative setting. There’s plenty of conflict in the opening with Tigby and Hannai, and the magic aspect really comes to life once Hannai decides to use it. Sera brings an interesting aspect to the scene, as does the King. Things get progressively worse for Hannai when the dragon appears and then gets bigger, but things remain fun and action-packed. It is a little tough to see how the scene sticks to the prompt (Hannai doesn’t seem very ‘crushed’ but rather just spoiled and out-of-control). The very ending is interesting, but we’re not sure what’s happened and assume that the King has seen Tigby as a rat. A nice effort overall. Good luck!

27482

The ending is certainly happy in the general sense as Veronica is given power but the scene feels a little bloated right now despite the short length. The corporate takeover environment doesn't generate a lot of excitement and the writer has limited time to build up steam. A straightforward interpretation of the scene prompt and overall solid effort.

27483

The idea of an eighth dwarf is interesting and the writer takes an original approach to the scene prompt. However Ed is really grumpy (too much like another dwarf) and therefore unsympathetic at times. He turns down every opportunity to improve his situation and then when he finally comes around he makes a wish limiting storytelling. Create a protagonist who is interesting and SYMPATHETIC or at least relatable.

27485

Technically, if we can't SEE Stella then she should be presented to us in (V.O.) or equivalent. There are some nice ideas here, but the sequence is let down by poor stilted dialogue.

27486

Solid scene with well-drawn characters and snappy dialogue. Scene is long and could've used another polish to trim out some expanded detail that could've been conveyed with a single line of dialogue or a visual cue (JASPER being a cop, to name one element). If DEADLY is your protagonist, it's not particularly clear what his dashed plans or seemingly impossible objective is at the onset. Is it the mess STITCH refers to? Unfortunately, we don't get into specifics until p. 6. Good effort, nonetheless.

27487

There's drama here, and a neat concept of the only dialogue being messages from people on an answerphone; and a rather dramatic climax. However, this sequence doesn't really address the competition prompt.

27489

Writer has a good style... there is a lyrical quality to the writing, which is engaging. ENKI is a good, likable. The biblical imagery was good, but maybe a bit too overt. The scene has a good beginning, middle and end but the tension in the middle of the scene needs to be stronger. What does Enki want and why does he want it? Things happen to him, but he is not driving the action - except through his dream. Feels a bit predictable, but the writing was very good. Nice job!

27493

Solid scene with good tension and energy right from the get-go. Crisp dialogue helps keep the energy up along the way. Nice surprises with the MIKEY/COWBOY head shot and the JACK briefcase shots. Good work.

27493

Interesting scene with a tough, gritty, crime-driven tone. Good surprise when Jan gets blown away, a little less surprising when Jack guns down Mikey in the end. Dialogue moved sharply and character relationships played out nicely. Not the most original setup but a well-executed scene nonetheless.

27500

This graveyard scene has a good sense of atmosphere and an interesting character in The Stranger. We get a clear indication of the stakes of this crisis, and the scropion coming back to life provides a strong visual metaphor for the scene. Overall, it's a fascinating scene with authentic dialogue and strong tension. Good work!

27514

A decent effort and the writer does follow the scene prompt but things don't really jump off the page right now and the end result is a slow paced scene. Additionally the script's appearance is off right now thanks to formatting issues. Use screenwriting software if possible. The dialogue passages are too straightforward as well, add some subtext. Still, an effective scene.

27518

Scene follows the prompt to a degree in that G.P. inspires Darryl to action but only by filling him in on the situation. There is no real back and forth between the leads. G.P. needs to make a compelling argument to light a fire under Darryl but currently that's not the case. Plus, the background isn't completely clear to the reader. Fill in more blanks, what exactly are the stakes and who are the other players mentioned. The details come fast and furious at the end and feel confusing.

27519

Entertaining and original scene, with solid visuals and crisp dialogue. Well drawn characters, too: human and feline alike. Nice Mister Tibbs line. Good work.

27522

Though the overall effort is solid it feels like things may be a bit too straightforward. Protagonist is suffering from Hepatitis, feels discouraged but finds the strength and courage to move on in his daughter. Again, covers the given scene prompt but without much depth or any surprises. Dialogue lacks subtext. Characters are sympathetic and scene is effective.

27523

This is an interesting setting and lead character but things feel just a little too ‘out there’ and cryptic. We’re pretty unclear as to what George’s deal with the black-suited man is, and the more they talk the more ‘talky’ the scene feels. It appears that some sort of election is at stake but as a whole, we’re not sure what George’s goal is or what’s going on as a whole. The GW Bush reveal at the end is cute but a tad easy and hard to buy. It’s a unique take on the prompt but falls a little short in the end. Good luck!

27525

Kevin and Alan are good characters... Really feel sympathy for Alan. There is some good comedy in the scene, some funny dialogue - but great attitude. The setting is good, set-up is good... but the scene needs an even stronger tension. At times, it just sounds like two guys talking (could even be a scene from a play). Needs more visual storytelling, more action. writer has a good voice..

27527

Atmospherically strong scene, a lot of tension. Great job of starting with anxiety and building to full-on action! Wish we had more of an understanding of what was going on, though, some explanation of the way things are and why. Also, remember to write out new locations under new scene headings (such as when she moves from exterior street to interior warehouse in the end).

27528

This is an interesting, well-written scene with a cool setting. Remember that in screenwriting you should only write description that we can SEE onscreen (the line when she recognizes Rant in the elevator, for example, is prose and probably more suited for a novel. Something like, ‘she clearly recognizes the man and is afraid’ would be more fitting û then it would all come together in Angela’s office). It’s a nice surprise when Rant returns to the scene. The scene has a lot of nice tension and some good description, but it seems a little off from what the prompt calls for (Joni is a rebellious teen but doesn’t seem very ‘crushed’). The ending is a little anti-climactic as well, and Rant’s last line of dialogue could probably be even more eerie. Overall, it’s a nice effort that doesn’t quite come together as much as we’d like. Good luck!

27537

The religious persecution angle is a great subject matter, but this scene, overall, seems a fragment of a much bigger picture. There is much here that is intriguing, and the dialogue is well written, but it makes no sense as a self contained fragment. What is Egidio going to go and fight for? If we don't know, we can't invest.

27539

The writer does follow the scene prompt and overall things feel effective. The reader was hoping for a bit more in the end in terms of closure, or at least hint more at what's to come. Characters are sympathetic and dialogue contains some subtext which elevates things as well. Solid pacing and a lot of imagination. Good work!

27544

This Kingdom of Timgad scene has a very imaginative world with some strong tension within the group, particularly between Kahina and Trak. I'd like to see a little more characterization for personality types when we meet Kahina and Malik, and if we meet non-human characters (like Trak), a more visual description would also give the scene more cinematic appeal. Also, parenthetical notes within dialogue should basically just clarify how a line is delivered if it's not already clear from the context (for instance, a sincere I love you, too is very different from a sarcastic I love you, too). Larger actions, like when Malik draws swords on both Trak and Kahina would be more appropriate for action/description paragraphs. Overall, it's an imaginative setting with some good conflict and a building sense of momentum toward the end where they plan to voyage to King Melco's underworld. Nice work!

27544

27546

Great dialogue and a nice clean set-up overall, makes this a good effort. The detail of Margie’s room is a little too much (always err on the side of brevity. We pretty much get her lifestyle with the yapping dog and the chaise lounge, so everything else gets in the way.). The song, whilst funny, is a little overplayed. Again: we get it with the first stanza.

27549

This is a well-written and interesting scene that looks and feels like a period piece, but we aren’t given a date in the beginning so aren’t sure. Ambrose is in a fascinating position, being the butler to a high-ranking political family. Jackson is a clear hero-type and someone we root for. William is quite cold to his brother. The twist that Ambrose reveals is quite a shocker but it seems just a tad far-fetched û surely William would know if he is or isn’t a natural born citizen?! The ending is great between Jackson and Ambrose and we are left wanting more. Overall, a nice scene that feels very close to being great. Good luck!

27553

This African Mountain scene has a unique setting in both time and place, and the circumstances of this scene are imaginative. I'd like to see the scene develop some stronger characterizations for these roles so the audience can build a stronger interest in the important characters. Also, some more practical exposition to help bridge the gap and explain how our world becomes the world of this scene would help. Overall, it's a creative, unique take on the scene prompt and it makes good use of its setting. Nice work!

27556

A decent effort though it was tough to stick through all the way. First, the formatting is way off. The writer should download a feature script and look it over for notes. Also, the dialogue passages were bloated and lacked subtext. Overall, the scene followed the prompt but needed a trim.

27557

Good character dynamic on display here -- really felt the connection between Jeff and Julie. Also some good dialogue (such as when he asks her how and she replies, the usual way) but the scene takes a long, long time to move forward and we get bogged down a bit too much in dialogue. A little more movement and a tighter, leaner version would have been more satisfying.

27559

Good opening to this scene -- a good level of frantic energy, but the gimmick of the topical subject didn't sustain the length of the scene itself. Once it's clear what this scene is about, the momentum wears off, but the scene continues. Needed a sharper turn after the reveal and a big edit, taking it down at least 25%. Great to start with high energy but scene needed to go a step further in less time to satisfy in the end.

27560

This subway scene has an interesting dynamic between Vince and James, the hunter and his prey. I really like the casual remarks other passengers overhear and Vince's efforts to cover up their meaning. The text itself could use some cleaning up if action/description paragraphs were limited to 4-5 lines and some typos corrected (tuff/tough, choose/choice, looses/loses, etc.). Also, try not to tell us things like the tension is immense; instead, look for ways to illustrate that so we feel the immensity of the tension without having to spoonfeed the emotion your audience is supposed to be feeling. Overall, it's a strong scene with a good sense of atmosphere and some smooth dialogue. Nice job!

27563

Nice job of setting the environment; it really feels like they boys are in a real pace, that they've known for along time. Their banter is nice enough, and gentle, but the scene lacks any real dynamism.

27564

Solid scene with efficient, streamlined style, which leads to a quick pace and an easy read. While the negative outcome of MATT'S dilemma is apparent, the nature of his plan and the seemingly insurmountable objective could be clearer. Is it ultimately all about CHLOE? Would like to know more about what SVEN wants him to do in Reno. It's an intriguing set-up without an adequate payoff. Good effort here, nonetheless.

27565

This religious sequence has some nice themes and a compelling story regaining faith. The action/description lines provide some information that movie viewers would not get (because they can only see what's on screen and hear the movie's sounds). Try to avoid telling your readers information as you might in a novel, instead reveal all the necessary information through action on screen or dialogue. Overall, it's a nice scene with a moving sentiment. Good work!

27568

Solid effort but it feels more like set-up than pay-off. The scene builds but never quite gets there. The writer follows the scene prompt and the dialogue is effective and contains real subtext. Additionally the characters are sympathetic if not totally engrossing. Scene needs a bit more punch and depth.

27569

This farm scene has a really nice core relationship, and the dialogue does a good job providing helpful exposition and providing some nuance for Richard and Marietta's dynamic. Marietta's action is a bold way to deliver a strong message, and the scene really benefits from the shift in tone we get there. The scene could probably use more imagery or use of props/settings during their conversation, but overall, it's a well composed, moving scene that seems like a genuine movie moment. Good work!

27570

The first half of the scene follows the given prompt but it feels like things fall apart in the second half of the material. The story takes interesting filled with twists and turns but the overall scene feels more like a fight than a conversation leading to action (for better or worse). Also, characters don't feel very sympathetic and that makes it hard to become fully involved.

27571

Simple and effective scene. The pacing is brisk, making for an easy read. Good emotional moment with MOM on doing right by yourself. As a general screenwriting note, when submitting to screenwriting contests, make sure you submit the piece in industry standard format, with the appropriate font (12 pt. Courier), margins (Characters, Dialogue and Parenethicals operate down the middle of the page) and accepted conventions (once you establish a character speaking on the phone, you don't need to repeat the parenthetical for every line of dialogue. Making sure your submission LOOKS like a screenplay shows you're serious about the craft as well as the contest. Less forgiving contests would've disqualified this entry. That said, good effort on the scene.

27573

Entertaining scene with good tension and energy from the get-go. Solid, efficient mood and situation set-up, too, though the external battle feels like it slows down to give RUTGER time to deal with the JASON problem. Perhaps a few more clashes while this is going on will keep the stakes elevated and the urgency in place. Nice job.

27574

Angela is a great character - tough, attitude, no-bullshit. Perri is sympathetic, a little bit of a whiner - but a clear character. The scene has good conflict between the characters and the dialogue is quite good. The scene lacks visual storytelling - felt like a scene from a play. Need to have the actors do something in the scene. Ending is a little flat, and not as strong as the rest of the piece. Writer has a very engaging voice. Nice job!

27575

Talking testicle, talking penis! Original, inventive, fun... funny. Dan is an engaging character in the first part. Nikki is also likable, engaging. The scene then has the nice twist, going into the talking private parts. There should be a little more conflict between them - ratchet up the opposing intentions. Keep it escalating. The ending is a bit flat, compared to the rest of the scene - and a bit predictable. But this was fun, lively... author has an original, comedic voice. Nice job!

27580

Solid, entertaining scene. Snappy dialogue keeps the energy up. It might've been cool to see more hints at the zombie situation (blood on the bat, perhaps). LYSA'S rallying isn't particularly unexpected, as it actually seems pretty standard and expected for the situation at hand. Try to break up the thicker paragraphs of scene description into more easily digestible chunks (three lines max), especially during action sequences. Good double whammy whack at the end. Nice job here.

27581

Wow. This is some serious drama. Nicely done in terms of the love triangle, with some really heavy stakes. Some of the dialogue suffers from being a little on the nose (too obvious) but the scene definitely maintains its own momentum. A nice job.

27582

An entertaining scene with good energy and some solid comedic flourishes. JOSH puking in the potted plant just as LINDA beams is a nice bit of visual timing. Would like to get a more profound indication that BOB'S been working to get ETHAN hooked up. The one line about even buying her the drink gets lost in the shuffle. Perhaps Bob's about ready to deliver drink round two just as Linda and Josh start heading out. Or Ethan's about to make his move after Ethan gives him the all clear. At least we can SEE Ethan hit rock bottom mid-rejection. Bob's DEFCON 4 move might be unexpected, but Ethan is essentially passive in the situation, as Bob shoves him at Linda. All in all, a good effort with the scene. Nice job.

27583

This is a novel, not a screenplay.

27584

This is a well-written scene with a great idea, but it doesn’t quite hit the mark as well as it could. The protagonist is likable and there are some tense situations, but with an idea as current as the banking industry’s role in the real estate crash, it’s probably a good idea to establish the time that the scene takes place (is it before, during or after the bubble bursts?). Also, how would someone become a ‘whistle-blower’ on ONE particular bank, when it was the entire industry? (it’s not as straightforward as, say, the cigarette industry). There are some interesting questions and the writing is strong overall. Dialogue is competent, though some of the jokes don’t work as well as others. Overall, an admirable effort that may have been stronger with the same characters and situations in a different context altogether. Good luck!

27584

27585

This ranch scene has a good sense of atmosphere and some authentic dialogue. I'd like to see the relationship between Mike and Dan get more emphasis. Right now, they only discuss external circumstances, and I think it would make a more compelling scene to go into more detail about the nature of their relationship and what they mean to each other. Otherwise, it's a well composed scene with clear voices and strong descriptions. Good work!

27585

27586

Jen and Patty are both engaging characters. Good emotions in the scene. The tone is good, consistent. The mood and atmosphere are good. There is an urgency in the scene, a tension, but it needed to be stronger, more heightened. The conflict between the characters needed to be stronger. There also needed to be more visual storytelling. Felt almost like a scene from a play. Ending was flat, not as strong as the rest of the piece. But writer has a good style.

27588

The scene within a scene within a scene approach is an intriguing one, and has a lot of potential for a wild ride. Unfortunately, even with the Writer's reading note

27590

Very interesting scene. Liked the take on the scene prompt and the well paced transition from hope to heartbreak and back to hope again. Would like to have gotten a little more punch from the dialogue, a few more memorable lines, but the overall tone of the scene is sharp and the writer does a great job of doing a lot in the span of few pages (which is exactly what screenwriting is all about). Nice work.

27597

Solid scene with good energy from the start. Good descriptives and mood, too. It sounds as though VINCENT has nothing to worry about, as he explains he'll be released in 4.5 days. He doesn't have (or even need) a towel to throw, so his decision at the end to help ONE EYE break out is a bit confusing. Perhaps if One Eye had information that puts a crimp in Vincent's overconfidence, provoking Vincent to change his mind and want to get out quickly. Nice job here, overall.

27598

This beekeeping scene presents an interesting conundrum, and I like the characterizations of Ted and Lee. It can get a little dialogue-heavy, so I'd like to see some of the stuff that the characters spend so much time talking about. For example, the scene might be more interesting if Ted discovers the issue by finding a room full of bees (and dealing with that environment) rather than finding a receipt for a bee-related expense. Otherwise, the scene has unique subject matter and a good setting. Nice work!

27599

Technically the writer follows the scene prompt but it's hard to get past how disgusting the two leads are. Regardless of their agenda, if they're unsympathetic the audience won't care what happens. It's hard to decide which one is worse, Scott, using a woman for her money and prosing a rape, or Robert for eventually agreeing to it .Also, flaw in the plan, isn't the woman going to press charges against Robert for raping her? Again, structurally sound but hard to get past the evil characters.

27600

This writing contest scene has a good sense of self-awareness. It's definitely a meta approach, and I'm sure every contestant in the CS Open can relate to the situation (I'm not sure whose idea it was to put the deadline so close to Tax Day, FYI). I'd like to see the stakes raised a bit higher, because we don't know what consequences Jill will face if she can't win this contest. It's a little confusing when Ted's name changes to Ben in the middle of the scene, and the visuals may be a bit underutilized in the middle. Otherwise, the new computer is a good way to resolve the conflict in the end, and it's a fun, self-aware scenario. Good Job!

27601

This is an interesting, well-written scene. The dialogue is good and the characters are clearly in a tense situation, but we feel just a little too ‘in the dark.’ We’d like to understand what is going on, but there are a few too many questions. What is the piece of paper that Frank crumples up? What is his ‘final solution?’ What exactly is the situation with their mother? It’s an admirable effort overall, but we crave just a bit more closure. Remember that when writing a movie, it’s okay to ‘take the reader by the hand’ so to speak. Don’t give them a reason to say ‘no!’ Good luck!

27604

This future civil war scene has some nice visuals, beginning with the fireworks and ending with the holograms. The scene has a nice sense of history repeating itself, though I'd love to know more about the polictical or social issues that caused the rift between the Union and the Western Federation of States. Maltron's motivation is clear, but I wonder why Regato and other rebels want to destroy the Union. Otherwise, it's an interesting scene with some good rising tension. Nice work!

27608

The writer does follow the scene prompt and Jasso is inspired by his discussion with Argo. The character work is solid and the dialogue feels organic to time and location. Pacing is effective though it would've been good to see a bit more closure in the end. Is Jasso totally incompetent...is Argo actually right about him? Overall a decent effort.

27609

Scene needed to focus more on the protagonist's journey from being defeated to being inspired (for better or worse) into action. Right now the writer tries to cram too much of the effects of the protag's change of heart and mind. The heart of this scene should be the first half. Give it more focus and add another layer of subtext to the dialogue.

27610

Writer seems to intent on fooling the reader again and again with fake set-ups and twists. This means the prompt gets neglected in the mix. The first sequence has potential, a couple turning on one another, etc. Stay with it, don't go of on tangents for no reason. In the end the reader was left confused and unsure what exactly was going on. Plus, if the first scene was fake then the conflict was as well.

27611

Solid writing and an uplifting scene that closely follows the prompt. Anna is inspired by the very people she helps and races off to action as the story ends. Sympathetic characters make the scene that much more engrossing. Also, the dialogue is strong and contains subtext. Try not to put exposition in scene description but other than that things work well.

27615

Overall a solid take on the scene prompt thanks to a decent set-up, interesting characters and en engrossing conflict. Writer could've worked a bit harder to flesh things out because not all of the background was developed (1852, Australia). Also, the formatting is off. Much of the dialogue is centered and the spacing is awkward (no double spacing here). Appearance aside, the scene is fast paced and effective.

27616

Good setting, sharp characters. Liked the brief interaction between Jake and Trevor in the beginning. Scene slowed down considerably once Ivy arrives, though, and becomes pure dialogue at the expense of visuals. Good moment when Aubrey arrives in the end though there would be more electricity and tension if we were to see her at the outset and learn about her over the course of the scene, rather than saving her appearance until the end.

27617

Scene has good energy and tension from the start, which is a plus. Dialogue, though, tends to get too expository, as ADAM and FIONA sound like they're reciting plot points for everything that's happened up to this point. Let backstory emerge more organically throughout a scene via character actions and visual cues. Yes, you need dialogue too, but consider a less on-the-nose approach. Would like to know more about the catastrophic consequences if Adam doesn't succeed, and would like to know what these stakes are earlier in the scene. One line from SIR MICHAEL on the next to the last page misses an opportunity to raise the tension level through a more substantial amount of the scene. Perhaps if Sir Michael appeared sooner. That said, a good effort here overall.

27618

Overall a competent effort but the reader was distracted by the scene's appearance. The formatting is off and the script was overloaded with typos and weird scene description. Technically the writer did follow the scene prompt but the main storyline also felt weird. The whole angle on HIV as a weapon is dark and didn't add up. Ending lacks closure as well.

27619

This is an imaginative and well-intended sequence of scenes that feels like it takes on a bit more than the prompt calls for. The time travel premise is fun and unique from the get-go as we are reminded of a classic premise such as BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, but the hero doesn’t really feel very ‘crushed’ and there’s not much that’s unexpected after the opening. We’re all familiar with the medieval period setting and the ending is nice but again, we crave something a bit simpler with more punch. Often in screenwriting, less is more! Dialogue is decent and the writing is good overall. Good luck.

27622

Good choice of setting here. Loved the relationship between President Goldstein and Norma, which culminates well in the smack to the back of the head in the end. Would love to have seen a little bit more movement in the scene and a little more subtext in the dialogue but overall, a strong scene.

27625

A visually arresting sequence, with taut action, fluid, impactful description and palpable tension from start to finish. Dialogue, too, is crisp and snappy. The dream setting is effective and allows for an anything goes approach to backstory and storytelling: little logic required, though just enough so it's not too much of a head trip. Cool dream imagery, too. Can probably do without the WE CUT BACK TO: That said, a well-crafted piece. Nice work.

27626

There's some nice material here, but it doesn't really have a beginning, middle and end.

27628

Funny, absurdist scene with solid visuals and snappy dialogue. Good mash-up of styles and personalities here. The banter between the DARK WIZARD and GARY is a hoot. Good visual punch with the approaching nuke. Nice work.

27629

Very good character dynamic here. We could really feel the history between these two roles. The dialogue was interesting and moved well, too. Though the scene starts with a good level of intensity, there is a lag in understanding what exactly the characters are talking about and as soon as it's clear, the scene is over. Would love to have been a little more invested in what they were doing as the scene progressed.

27630

Creative take on the scene prompt and fun, interesting execution. Scene dragged a little bit early when all the various religious figures are getting their intro and line but once the voice from above shows up, things pick up in a good way, and the scene ends on a solid beat. Nice work here.

27633

There's some interesting stuff here, but it seems part of a larger story. Kudos for creating an interesting world, but we don't really get an idea of the stakes in this scene, and without that it's just an action sequence with no tension.

27634

Entertaining scene with crisp dialogue. Efficient style makes for a brisk pace and a quick read. RUSS' rallying and provoking feels expected in his role as SARA'S favorite person in the world and confidant. His NAVY Seal suggestion aside, perhaps if you establish Russ as being more out there and off the wall, then his reasonable suggestions and comments would feel more unexpected. Play off that late night radio personality personality you've established. Sara even hints at him keeping his mouth shut for once in his life. That said, solid effort here overall.

27635

Solid scene with snappy, realistic police procedural dialogue. Would've liked to see MORROW at a more profound low point, what, with his case not panning out like he thought. Also, the nature of the stakes if he doesn't follow through could be more profound as well, established earlier, raising the tension level. TRAVERS is actually doing his job by giving Morrow the additional information about the random dead girl

27636

The last line is the punch for the whole scene. It is a good twist to show that Adolf Hitler is the boy... but the rest of the scene leading up to it feels flat. Having a strong ending is good, but the rest of the scene needs to have a strong narrative drive. The scene is too talky, there is very little action, very little visual storytelling. It's easy to understand when MOTHER and YOUNG MAN do not have names, but it distances us from the characters. The premise is good, the execution during the scene needs to be better. Great twist though!

27637

Good take on the scene prompt -- liked the talking tennis ball. Good interaction between Lauren and Tennis Ball and some good lines (like I'm always getting bounced around) though it was a little exposition heavy in the middle. Scene started better than it ended, since it wasn't really the protagonist taking matters into her own hands in the end, and the scene itself wasn't fully written out (the podium scene describes dialogue when it should actually be written out AS dialogue). Still, smart take on the prompt and some strong character interaction early on.

27638

Karyn's a cool character - tough, smart and very likable. The scene doesn't really take off until Don makes his announcement on page 4. That's when Karyn and Don get into conflict. Prior to that the scene has too much exposition. The scene is too talky - almost feels like a scene from a play. The scene needs more visual storytelling. But the writing style is good and the underlying theme is very good.

27641

Robin Hood's interns - great! Jeff and Andy are both engaging characters. The scene is inventive, creative and fun. Some good humor. Author has a good comic voice. The scene was a bit too talky and there needed to be a strong conflict in the scene, meaning the characters needed to have opposing intentions. They seem to be friends discussing an issue, rather than characters in opposition. Ending is good. Writer has a good style.

27642

Technically the scene follows the prompt but there are a few issues. First, because one of the leads is a machine the back and forth and 'inspirational' angle lacks emotion. Second, despite CRISTAL's attempts to work Roger up she ends up knocking him out taking over for him anyway so what was the point of the back and forth?

27643

It doesn't feel like the writer is completely true to the prompt that was provided. Osiris wants out of the game and Gene is pushing him to stay but then Osiris kills him. Osiris isn't defeated at the beginning nor does he change his position at any time, he just plows ahead with his agenda. Feels like there should be more back and forth, maybe Gene convinces Osiris to change or at least consider changing his disposition. He had the needle on him so he was prepared to kill Gene from jump. Also, watch typos, like they're/their confusion.

27644

The writer has an engaging style. This is a unique scene with a good mood and atmosphere - creepy. Danielle is a very sympathetic character and her situation creates a solid tension in the scene. It's all a bit unclear as to what exactly happened here (and why), but there is good suspense. The ending feels a bit flat and this reader isn't sure why she was released. But the writer did a very nice job with the scene...

27645

Good setting and set-up... like the whole video-game arena. Jay, Rob and Griff are all good characters. The animation with St. Crispin's day was good. The scene is creative, inventive. It does lack a strong narrative tension though and the conflict is basically in what they say about something that is not directly impacting the moment. The ending also felt a bit flat - unsatisfying. Some good dialogue, good characters... just needed a stronger tension.

27646

This is a well-written, honest scene with a lot of heart and emotion in it. The setting is interesting and the portrayal of lead character in the wheelchair is intriguing and engaging. He wins our sympathy while we identify more with the Friend character. It's an interesting dynamic between the two and how it changes throughout the scene. Things do feel a little 'talky' and in need of more action (it almost feels more like a play), and it doesn't feel like the night club setting is really utilized as much as it could. Overall, nice job but we crave just a little more punch or some payoff at the end. Good luck!

27648

This has some very funny moments, some cool punchlines, and some nice visual action. It's just a shame that Captain Star is such a passive character. In the best tradition of these genre exercises, shouldn't he flip the situation, and give us some (heroic) closure?

27652

This apartment scene has a nice element of backstory and convincing dialogue. Natalie provides a good assessment of Johnny's character, and it's good to see the conflict finally erupt in the end. I'd like to se emore visuals come into play early on, and it would help to get a bit of physical interaction between the two. Does Natalie just stand there while Johnny delivers his monologue? Does she sit down next to him and take his hand? Does she start cleaning the place up? Details like this can really reveal a lot about what characters are thinking and feeling. Overall, it's a compelling scene with some nice dialogue. Good work!

27654

This fight scene has a sympathetic protagonist in a compelling situation. I'd like to see a stronger call to action from Angela or even a challenge from Chico before Saul resolves to initiate this standoff because we don't know much about why Chico is a danger to Rose; the only thing we know is that Saul won't give a baby to her rightful father. We could probably use more description in Saul's character introduction, too, because an age and body type don't really give us a lot of information about what kind of personality Saul has. Otherwise, it's a bold, intense scene with a confident tone and style. Nice work!

27656

A solid, heady scene with a good sci-fi vibe. Would've liked to get more upfront information about what JEREMIAH and LEVITICUS are doing here, perhaps an earlier reference to The Decay and their ultimate objective. The dialogue's philosophical bent is well wrought and elevates the subject matter nicely. LEVITICUS' rallying speech seems more level-headed than unexpected, his wisdom cutting through JEREMIAH'S unfocused despair. His Hope speech is nice. It's a nitpick, but the reference to the rusted metal box in the parenthetical gets lost in the proceedings, so when Jeremiah closes it and picks it up at the end, one has to think hard to remember where it came from. It seems like an important story element, so you might consider either establishing it within scene description at the onset, or give it its own line of description during Jeremiah's dialogue. That said, a solid effort here. Good job.

27657

This is an action-packed scene set in the very timely world of the Mexican drug war. Preston is not really someone we can identify with or root for and is thus a tad on the weak side as a protagonist. If he were a more honorable and respected man and not the ‘all-around piece of human garbage’ that’s introduced, we would probably care a bit more. The verbal beating he gets from Williams is indeed intense but feels a tad on-the-nose. After the brutal treatment he gets from the Henchman, we are surprised that he’s even alive in the end. Despite the quality of the writing, the scene doesn’t really grab us or become as spectacular as we’d like. Remember that in screenwriting you should only write description that we can SEE onscreen (the first two small paragraphs are more like prose that you’d find in a novel). Overall, an admirable effort and definite writing talent is shown. Good luck!

27658

Sorry, this scene exceeds the 5-page maximum as specified by the contest rules

27660

Nice take on the scene prompt, great use of visuals to tell the story. Overall, good tone, although the dialogue felt a little over-the-top and cartoony at times and the scene seemed to run on about a page longer than it probably should have. But the visuals are great and though a tighter version of this scene would have scored a little higher in the structure category, this is still a fun, well written scene.

27661

Intriguing approach to the scene prompt. Writer has efficient style, allowing for a brisk pace and a quick read. XIAO YANG doesn't seem so crushed as she is frustrated by her lot in life, which seems to be of her own choosing (or NOT choosing a man). And if she doesn't achieve her objective, it doesn't seem that bad to her. She wants to be free, which is a good thing (even in China). The fact that she chooses the potential for jail over her nagging mother is a nice touch. Solid effort here.

27662

There's no some acute drama here, but it's virtually impossible to tell what is going on. This isn't a self contained scene; and reads like a fragment of a much larger picture. Without knowing Cade's back story we can't really invest in him, and the sequence becomes overloaded by exposition.

27664

Wry, smart dialogue delivered in an acerbic manner makes this scene really buzz with dry humor. It's s shame that we don't get to know more about the back story, but there's just enough (just) to make this a compelling self contained sequence.

27665

Solid scene with good emotional undercurrent. Heightened dialogue works well. Aside from VINCENT being with for KATHERINE, the seemingly impossible objective isn't quite clear. The They reference could be more profound. Also, try to avoid providing backstory in scene description and let it emerge through dialogue and/or visual cues (preferably the latter). All the information you gives us is internal, and since the audience has no way of reading your scene description, it doesn't exist on-screen. Katherine's ghostly appearance is a nice touch, as is the photograph reveal at the end. On a formatting note, industry screenplay format dictates the body of your script be upper/lower case, with ALL CAPS reserved for Scene Headings, Character Names, Transitional Elements, Slug Lines, Character Intros, as well as the occasional emphasis for Sounds/Sound Effects and important visuals. That said, good effort here.

27666

Nice mystery, suspense. Jake offers some good tension in the beginning of the scene and then Lana is intriguing in the end. Kyle is an engaging character. The scene has lyrical quality to it - which is very good. It's a bit too talky at times, which slows the scene down. Some dialogue blocks are too long. Yes, that's part of the scene/character - but they need to be trimmed - keep the scene moving. Lana's entrance is good and the ending is strong. Nice job.

27667

An interesting scene with a fun setting and some unique twists, but it doesn’t really stick to the scene prompt as well as it probably could. While she may not want to be on the case anymore, Trixie doesn’t seem very ‘crushed.’ Their situation is intriguing and there’s some nice tension with Nicolai and Dmitri. The mystery over the case (probably human trafficking) feels a tad cliche, but there is some cool mystery about things. Overall a nice effort that doesn’t quite come together as well as we’d like. Good luck!

27668

Loved the interaction between characters and the darkness of the scene. Nice pacing too, although the writing style itself worked against the actual scene. Avoid overly descriptive language and cutesy flourishes like the fade out that gets cut short. Screenwriters are judged on their brevity, their ability to say a lot with very few words. Tightening the action text considerably would have made this scene sharper. There's a gem underneath the excess but the added layer gets in its way.

27669

This is a well-written scene and a great idea. Rich is on a mission and we root for him all the way. Things get perhaps a little overly-complicated with his getting the other couple to go along with his plan and it brings up a few logic issues (such as how the camera person would know where to point the camera in the stadium), and the scene doesn’t QUITE nail the prompt, but it’s an interesting take and fun nonetheless. Dialogue is good with some quirky jokes. Overall, a nice effort!

27670

This is a well-written, quirky scene with fun, likable characters. The dialogue is entertaining and has some fun jokes (I liked her traffic cone joke, personally!), but there’s not a lot of conflict or inherent drama in the scene. Some interesting stuff comes up about her relationship with Adam at the end, but it’s a tad too late. Perhaps if we could see her onstage, living through her nervousness, it would’ve been more dramatic. Overall, good job but just remember that above all else, movies are about action! Good luck!

27671

Entertaining scene, with good humor and topicality to boot. Dialogue has some decent pop, too. Let the punch lines punch

27672

This is a well-written and timely scene that definitely captures some inherent tension and drama. While the situation is interesting, things feel just a little ‘talky’ and we crave just a bit more action. One logic question û we are told in the beginning that we’re in an Iraqi bunker, yet it’s a Taliban communications bunker? Perhaps it should be Afghanistan. In any case, it is a little hard to believe that there’s not anyone else around besides just these two. Still, though, the situation is intense and while the dialogue is good, it feels a tad dense and expository. Kahlid is a fascinating character with a great story, and it’s quite a visual to see him go from Muslim-looking to Jewish at the end. Overall, well done and imaginative, but it doesn’t quite hit the prompt as well as we’d like. Good luck!

27674

Interesting with solid twists and turns. The time element adds another layer. The characters are engrossing and the dialogue flows well and contains real subtext. Definitely a worthy candidate for the genre prize. Good effort.

27676

This interrogation room scene has some nice tension and a good attention to detail. I think it could use some more work on practical exposition. For example, one point refers to the first time since Steve Lyon's bedroom and we don't know what this reference means. I'd like to know more about the nature of Jim and Miranda's relationship, and at a page and a half, there's plenty of room for more development. Otherwise, it's got some strong dialogue and potential for growth. Nice work!

27677

This bathroom performance anxiety scene has a really fun tone, and it's a lively, amusing scenario. I love the justification that Pete gives for his problem, and this helps us understand more about his relationship with Lisa. I think you could get more mileage out of the humor that Lisa overhearing this conversation provides, and there are probably some more visuals that you could use to bring out the lunacy of the situation during this conversation. Otherwise, it's funny and oddly inspiring in an endearing way. Well done!

27678

Good setup and setting. Author clearly knows this time period. Ash and Henry are engaging characters. There is good action in the scene, but the conflict/tension should be even more elevated, especially between the characters. The first page is a little soft in the conflict and then the scene picks up when Ash confronts Henry more. Get it started right away. Ending feels a little flat. It should be bigger, stronger as well. Author has a nice writing style.

27679

This seems that there's a lot bigger story than this scene alone? As a fragment of a much bigger picture, there is much here that intrigues, and the dialogue is well written, overall, but it makes no sense as a self contained fragment. It ends on a rather flat and generic note.

27680

Good action scene. Krae and Johnny, and Julia, - all good characters. The scene moves along well. The characters all have good attitudes too - the author knows the genre well. The scene could use a little more emotional underpinning, it feels a bit superficial - wanted to know more about all the characters. The ending is satisfying - if a little bit predictable. But the writer has an engaging style. Nice job.

27682

Interesting take on the scene prompt, a love story set in a sex torture room (or at least on a torture rack). Despite the unusual setting Wren inspires Jenna to action and their discussion definitely feels unique considering the context. Strong and effective dialogue, compelling characters. The tone is dark but things work and feel imaginative.

27683

The scene ends on an intriguing note, but much of the preceding dialogue is a little generic and flat. The tension here is never really emphasized, and the scene gets lost in too much extended dialogue that goes nowhere. A nice idea: just not written economically enough.

27684

This living room scene is an interesting take on the plague/zombie genre, and I really like the imagery involved with Mary's condition. I think the scene would probably benefit from a consolidated cast list and a more prominent protagonist. With only 4-5 pages, it can be tough to meet a lot of people, keep them straight, and care about all of them, so it might be more practical to use 2-3 survivors in the house rather than 5. Otherwise, it's a well composed scene with a good sense of imagery and tension. Nice work!

27685

This is a well-written scene with an amusing opening (clearly self-reflecting!) and an inherently dramatic setting with the father on a hospital bed. Dialogue is effective, but things seem to wander somewhat as we go from Rocky vs. Seabiscuit to playing the clarinet to the dad dying, which is quite a shocker. Overall, the scene nails the prompt but is perhaps a bit too on-the-nose. We crave a bit more action and cohesiveness in the story. Good luck!

27686

Entertaining, briskly paced scene, with good energy and crisp dialogue. It appears as thought TONI'S plan and objective were dashed long before we meet her in this scene, and she's more or less resigned to her fate. Besides, she throws in the towel by signing the dissolution agreement. The PUNK feels tangential to the scene, if not convenient. The fact that he attempts to rib Toni inside the attorney's office is a bit of a stretch. It might've been more effective for Toni's character if LYLE'S attitude during the meeting is what flicked her switch. Solid effort here.

27689

Entertaining scene, with spicy characters and good visuals. Not sensing that TOPHER is particularly crushed as he is short on confidence in the situation. And you kind of leave out the HEIDI factor in the bet's premise: all she has to do is say no to ERIC, even if he did win. RANDY'S entrance, while a surprise, isn't particularly organic to the scene. His rant is even more unrelated, drunk or not, and it's merely a distraction. Topher rallies despite the baseball bat threat. Solid effort, overall.

27690

The opening sequence is very nice in terms of overall writing and tension, but the subsequent pages seem part of a much bigger story, and the sequence does not work as a self-contained exercise; because we’re not sure how Frank’s offer impacts on Charlie. As an audience, we’re kind off left scratching our heads at what’s going down?

27691

Caleb and Warren are engaging characters. The setting is good and the setup is good. There is some good character work in the scene, but it lacks a strong narrative drive. Each character needs to have a strong intention in the scene and they need to be opposing intentions in some way. The scene sounds more like a conversation. There also needs to be more visual storytelling. More action, less talk. But there is a nice quality to the writing.

27692

This monastery scene has an interesting atmosphere and some authentic dialogue. I think the visuals involving the revelation in the garden could probably be more elaborate, and I'd like to see this aspect developed more fully. Otherwise, it's a compelling scene with a strong call to action and a clear, succinct conclusion. Nice work!

27693

This sequence, although it has its merits, is not written to respond to the competition prompt. It also reads more like a novel than a screenplay in terms of formatting and word density.

27694

Points to the writer for the original setting but in the end the scene does feel like it follows the prompt too closely. There isn't enough variation present. Max feels down on himself and Dexlan inspires him but things feel straightforward. Dexlan just encourages Max and Max eventually comes around (but then dies for it).The writer crams in a lot of scene description early on. Keep is simple, especially with this limited page count.

27695

The scene doesn't totally follow the scene prompt. True, the protagonist is down and out as the story opens but she isn't really inspired by her friend, she's just saved by the arrival of the Ranger who relieves her of her problem. Therefore this isn't a story about the lead taking action, just getting lucky. Dialogue overall is decent but the structure of the scene is off.

27697

Writer does follow the scene prompt but things feel dark and depressing. The dialogue is competent and the need for redemption always works in pulling in an audience (we can all relate). Still, the overall structure is straightforward and feels predictable. Also, the appearance and formatting is off at the very end.

27698

Touching scene, really felt the history between Candace and Trevor. Other than the memory of Deep River, though, there isn't a lot going on visually, nor is there much movement or action. Dialogue was pretty good but scene would have benefitted from a bigger visual flair.

27699

It seems that there's a lot bigger story than this scene alone. As a fragment of a much bigger picture, this comes over as far too complex, and the lengthy flat exposition makes it less than dynamic.

27701

Interesting and imaginative take on the scene prompt. Feels like the writer could used the remaining space to add to the mix, make things even more complicated. Extra points for really good dialogue that contained subtext and depth. Also, the characters are all sympathetic and engrossing to watch. All around a successful effort.

27703

A gritty scene with well-drawn characters and some good energy right out of the gate. PAT'S personality really comes out through her dialogue, which is a plus. If Pat is your protagonist, we need to establish her dilemma and her low point right up front, perhaps revealing the information you get to later about what's at stake for her if she doesn't get ROSE hooked up with her son. It appears, though, that Pat is the rallying/provoking character here, her efforts eventually getting to Rose and convincing her to see T.K. in the hospital. Your visual description of Rose is well done and paints her character nicely. All in all, a good effort here. Nice work.

27704

This locker room scene has some good characterization of Kid Calen and Isham. I think their dynamic might be more interesting if they knew each other rather than being strangers. Also, the scene ends a bit abruptly compared to the pacing of the first 3.5 pages. With a little more room for development, I think we could focus more on Kid Calen's reaction to this surprising show of support from the crowd. Some descriptions get a little wordy, and it would help improve the physical presentation to limit action/description paragraphs to 4 lines. Otherwise, it's a strong scene with some nice characters and a compelling tone. Good work!

27705

There's some funny stuff here, but the sequence never really takes off. The punchline is great, but it needs a little more give and take between your protagonists - although the wrestler is a fantastic addition!

27707

Enjoyable scene, great tone. Really liked the antsiness of Lipschitz and the reticence of Wally. Dialogue was sharp and character interaction worked well, though the scene didn't really end on as fun a note as it seemed to be working toward. Would like to have had a little more payoff in the end but as a whole, good scene.

27708

This safehouse scene takes on an ambitious scenario, and it's got some nice plot twists. I think it would help to scale down the cast and keep the named characters to a limit of 3 (maybe 4). When we're dealing with multiple couples, pairs of friends, etc., and they discuss other people not in the scene, it can get a little muddled in a quick 5-page scene. I'd like to see a bit of explanation for why Grant thinks Phillip is the traitor so we can know how Connor and Justine tricked him in the end; right now it just seems like he makes some assumption that we don't know about and acts on it. Overall, it's a tense scene with some good pacing and bold action. Nice work!

27711

Humorous and heady scene, with crackling, layered dialogue befitting the well-drawn characters. Not quite sure if ARCHIE rallies or provokes JOHN in as much JOHN does it to himself. Archie's more a sounding board. Though Archie does relay his Uncle Aaron story, it's not clear if it's the last bean to tip the scale. Even John asks, What the fuck's that got to do with anything? That said, there's still some good work here.

27713

This surfing scene has some nice action and a good escalation in stakes when the competition turns into a life-or-death crisis. I'd like to see the call to action get more emphasis if Sammy has to give Josh more of a pep talk before the event. Also, I think the visuals could be developed more if we see some specific imagery that shows the differences in these waves when the boys are on the shoreline talking about them. Otherwise, this is a fun scene with a nice resolution and some solid action. Good work!

27716

This is a simple and amusing scene that doesn’t quite hit the prompt. The writing is decently-done but the format on the pdf was all goofy. An investment in some screenwriting software would be well worth it! We feel for Tom and appreciate Phil wanting to help his friend, but his ‘car accident’ excuse to his guests does seem a little ‘out of left field.’ From there, things seem to get a little out of control and we have a bit of a hard time believing that everyone would just up and leave for the hospital. The ending is funny when Linda gets hung up on. Overall, it’s a nice attempt that seems like it needs something more. Good luck!

27717

This is an interesting scene but it feels a little ‘all over the map’ and in need of focus. Anna is probably the protagonist, but she doesn’t really seem ‘crushed’ and the appearance of Kaleb doesn’t do as much to heighten the tension as we’d like. Dialogue is okay but a little scattered and ‘talky.’ Perhaps most importantly, the characters are a little hard to believe. Perhaps going to more of an extreme (either extremely real and dark vampire/werewolf or extremely silly human pretending to be one) would yield more engagement from the reader. Remember, writing is rewriting! Good luck!

27718

There is some excitement in the scene and the writer does follow the prompt. Things are effective overall and there is a nice play on the scene instructions in that the criminal inspires the agent handling him. Good dialogue, subtext helps elevate things. Good work!

27720

Writer spends a little too much time on set-up and scene description considering the limited page count. We need to get into the heart of the scene quicker. Also, watch basic typos (no = know, pg. 2, and distance = distant, page 4). Definitely an interesting crisis of faith but it's not totally clear where things go. Is the ending happy because of the big bird? Is her cancer gone? And again, the prompt requires the second party to call the protagonist to action, not just save him or her.

27721

This safehouse scene has a nice sense of pacing and some effective plot work. Using the dead man's voicemail as the call to action is a clever take on the scene prompt, and it ends with some nice building momentum. It might help increase the emotional intensity of the revelation if we see the moment when Mitch discovers Sammy's body rather than starting in the immediate aftermath. Overall, it's a tight, well composed scene with strong conflict. Good work!

27722

Good setting and the scene featured a strong dynamic between Nikki and Gregory. It had more of the feel of a stageplay than a screenplay, though, as it played out almost entirely through dialogue. Would love to have seen a bit more movement and more visuals. Him touching her body is good visually but it needed more to sustain interest through to the end.

27723

Scene follows the prompt and has some funny moments but feels over the top. Gary is prepared to murder his own parents for not spoiling him and the parents are forced to capitulate in the end (not an upbeat ending). Not sure there are any truly sympathetic characters here. The reader would've liked to see the parents get out and punish Gary for his behavior (that would've been a lot more satisfying).

27725

This cemetery scene has a funny scenario and a nice button at the end. At 2.5 pages, it seems a little underdeveloped, so it wouldn't hurt to give more exposition about who Barry is and what his relationship to Gene is like. I think the scene might need a time gap or LATER once Barry starts filling the hole because it's hard to believe that he could refill an entire empty grave in real time while he's delivering his line. Overall, it's a fun, quirky scene with an amusing tone. Good work!

27727

Setting is good. Jonathan is an engaging character. There is good conflict in this scene - and the war backdrop adds good tension. The scene flows very well, but the ending is not as strong. It felt flat, unsatisfying. Surprise us at the end. Keep the tension escalating then give us a little twist at the end. But the scene was well-constructed. Good job!

27728

This spy / supervillain showdown is a fun send-up of James Bond scenarios, and the professor's dejected dialogue is pretty funny, particuarly his line about blowing his wad with the wrong solution. It's also fun to see the villain as the one tied up in the beginning rather than the hero. I'd like to see a little more characterization for the Professor and Dr. Damascus in the beginning so we'd know what kind of physical features to imagine and what kind of personalities to project into their atttudes. I'd also like to see Columbus, Ohio get destroyed instead of Chicago (or even Minneapolis after the way the Twins stole the AL Central from the Tigers last October). Overall, it's a fun scene with a good sense of humor and a nice element of self-awareness. Good work!

27729

Good scene here, with solid tension and urgency. CARTER'S predicament is palpable from the get-go, and the suspense of being found out works well. Not so sure he'd relay his mission objectives to the GERMAN SOLDIER before sussing out his cooperation. He lucked out that he was sympathetic. Use the language barrier as a storytelling device, allowing for less dialogue and more visuals. Nice twist with JENNINGS being alive and with Carter's duplicity. On a formatting note, this piece was loaded with typos. Even though they say spelling and punctuation don't count in Hollywood, they DO. A typo-free script tells agents and studio execs you're serious about your craft and the business. Proofread submissions before you send them. That said, solid effort on the scene.

27730

This is a rather talky entry, that is nevertheless intriguing: however, for all it's skill this isn't really a self-contained scene, and much of the dialogue refers to a seemingly wider story. The fact that we don't know what this story is means that we tend to lose interest.

27731

Entertaining scene, with good visuals and energy. The humorous flairs work well (the mud references) and lend a touch of absurdism to the proceedings. The nature of HEINRICH'S dashed plan and seemingly impossible objective isn't clear, and it doesn't appear that he's crushed in any particular way (his being at war notwithstanding). Also, it's not clear that he's on the brink of giving in to anything up front, and there's no indication what that giving in will precipitate. WILHELM'S flesh wound ruse is a nice bit, though, as is Heinrich’s response. Solid effort here, overall.

27733

This is an incredibly ambitious and well thought-out scene. Granted, the opening long paragraph on backstory is probably not necessary. Remember not to write direction in scenes (directors will figure that out!) and only write that which we can SEE onscreen (leave the prose for novels!). Reading a screenplay should be like watching the movie down the page û never use 10 words when 5 will suffice! While the scene feels like a feature crammed into 5 pages, the epic feel should be admired. Dialogue is stylish and pithy, feels like movie dialogue. The setting is okay but the premise, plot and characters all feel a tad familiar. The scene ends on a high note with a poignant and unpredictable realization from the protagonist. Overall, remember that in screenwriting, less is often more. Most importantly, be original! Oh, a book on proper screenplay formatting would certainly help. Talent is definitely there! it just all needs to come together in a stronger way on the page. Good luck!

27734

Good setting, nice use of tension from the outset. Great job of showing contrasting agendas between two characters. The scene opened stronger than it closed, though, as the protagonist is basically saved by an outside character, even after getting the upper hand with the gun. It would have been great to see a little more out of the time he's got the gun on Manny, to really savor that reversal.

27735

Good setting, liked the intensity level a lot. The dialogue felt a little on-the-nose, though, bogged down in explaining everything where a leaner approach would have served the scene well. Also would have liked to see the scene play out a little faster, as it didn't have as much forward momentum in the middle as it might have. Still, an original take and the writer's got a good voice.

27737

Scene was very well done. Setting was great. Sheriff, Rick, Fannie - all clear characters with good intentions. The writer has a wonderful, engaging voice. Scene felt writerly at times, which usually is not a good thing, but here it was wonderful. Scene was written concise and tight. Good subtext in dialogue Ending was satisfying. The one line - about the cattle being gone - felt odd. Why wouldn't she know this? But, that's one minor thing. This scene was very well done. Enjoyed it very much. Great job!!!

27738

Good relationship between characters in this scene. Really enjoyed the contrast between Marci's intensity and Nick's nonchalance. Dialogue felt a bit too expository in the middle and the scene lacked gripping visuals. More intercutting between car and house would have given it more visual flare, as would amping up the action by having Marci practically kidnapping him to save his life. In other words, good setup but it would have been great to see it go a step farther.

27739

Enjoyable relationship that develops quickly between Rita and Allan, though the scene would have benefitted in a big way from a little more movement and more visuals. Though the banter itself was good, it just dominated the scene too much and became a structural problem. The key to cinematic writing is visuals, which this scene had in the beginning, but it didn't really escalate. Note on writing style: it's important to establish both locations in scene headings as the phone call begins, otherwise it takes a while to understand where these characters are.

27742

This sold scene moves at a brisk pace, thanks to an efficient and streamlined style. It makes for an easy and quick read. Dialogue has some good energy to it, too. Would've liked to see ANDY at his low point, dashed plans and seemingly impossible objective included established up front, before CATHY enters the picture. He may be trying to bolster his business to take his mind off of what he thinks is s lost cause with Cathy: keeping his dead and heart down and trying to focus on other things. Establishing Andy's dilemma earlier gives you more scene time to spend on Cathy's efforts to get him back. It's not clear what bad things will happen if he gives in, either. Good effort, nonetheless.

27743

This is a charming and well-written scene that nails the prompt. The President is clearly in a tense position with the threat of World War III looming (not bad stakes!) and even though the scene feels a tad on the ‘talky’ side, we are right with him. The mother character is original and believable, right down to her many Yiddish expressions. It does seem a little ‘easy’ the way the President is suddenly inspired by the story she tells him, but we are happy that he’s come around by the end. Overall, it’s a nice scene that could probably use just a little more action to really become great. Good luck!

27745

Liked the setting a lot, as well as the history between the characters. The visuals were strong, although once we saw them in the beginning, it was really all a matter of dialogue, which gets bogged down a bit in exposition. The injured student is a good touch -- would like to have seen a bit more come out of that.

27746

Liked the use of fantasy football as subject matter, as well as Amanda as protagonist. Both elements were strong at the outset, although the scene didn't really progress as far as it might, running on about a page too long and ending on a rather soft note. Great to have good characters and good subject matter but crescendoing toward a bigger conclusion would have been more satisfying.

27747

This is a well-written scene with some inherent drama in the fact that all poor John wants to do is pee! We feel for him and there’s real comedic potential in Mark’s antics. Aside from some of the quirky things that Mark says, not a lot happens in the scene and we crave some unpredictable twist or turn. It’s funny that John’s date sees him in the end but it’s probably not quite enough. What brought her over? The scene doesn’t feel like it entirely sticks to the prompt û John doesn’t seem especially ‘crushed’ in the beginning and doesn’t really rise or fall by the end... all he does is pee! We are happy for him, though. Description is a bit heavy in the beginning and could probably be broken up a bit. Overall, an admirable effort that doesn’t quite grab us. Good luck!

27752

Good mood and setting get you wondering what's about to happen. Nice sense of foreboding, especially when PETER wagers the money on his life expectancy. Not quite clear who your protagonist is here, though. The nature of the dashed plans and the seemingly impossible objective need to be clearer, too. Solid twist with the SS reveal. Good effort, overall.

27754

A solid effort. The writer has fun with the scene prompt and creates a handful of colorful characters and an imaginative world. The dialogue flows well but lacks subtext overall. Ending is effective and gives the story some extra kick. The 'inspiration' arc is included and helps build things up as well. Pacing would work a little better with some editing.

27755

This is a great story and you have some dramatically inventive work here; but it seems that there's a lot bigger story than this scene alone. As a fragment of a much bigger picture, there is much here that is intriguing, and the dialogue is very well written, but it makes no sense as a self contained fragment. If we don't know the stakes we can't be invested based on the little that we see.

27756

Writer bites off more than he can chew for such a short page count. Things feel too complex right now and the reader couldn't keep up with everything. The futuristic setting is interesting but again, story feels too complex for the short scene. Keep it simple when time is limited. Writer does follow prompt though and shows true imagination. Overall, competent work.

27758

This winery scene has a very creative angle and some likeable characters. Because it's pretty brief, there's still room for development, and I wouldn't mind seeing more of Peeno (great name) with his mom before they're taken into the factory. We could probably use a little more description early on to know how to picture a grape with arms and facial features, too. Peeno's fate is a little unclear when Bizzy lifts him up, though the assumption is he ends up as wine. I'm not sure what to make of the ending, and I think the scene could deliver a stronger moral or message in the end if it stays focused on Peeno instead of following Bizzy. Otherwise, it's a fun, imaginative scene with a quirky style. Well done!

27759

Nicely judged. A funny concept, realized very nicely.

27760

Ouch. This is an intense scene that initially draws us in with the good writing, interesting characters and identifiable family drama, but the dad’s action of suddenly shooting the mom seems to come out of nowhere. He initially seems like he’s completely fine, and it’s Father’s Day no less! From there, the scene is a bit of a downward spiral with no twists, turns or surprises. It feels a bit off from scene prompt as well. Who is the protagonist and how are they ‘crushed’? Millicent is a nice character but we yearn to see her in another scene! Overall, some good writing that just seems to miss the mark a little. Good luck!

27761

This is a quick scene with an interesting set-up, but it seems to miss the mark a bit. Firstly, it would be a good idea to invest in some screenwriting software as the format is clearly off quite a bit. We are initially confused over the dead bodies (we are told there’s just a little girl, but they also refer to Grayson’s body). Blake is clearly the epitome if evil, but his character motivation and backstory alludes us, as does Grayson’s. It’s horrifying what’s happened and the scene feels more like a downward spiral rather than a naturally-flowing drama with tension and suspense. We crave a few twists, turns or surprises. Overall, a nice effort that doesn’t really come together in the way we’d like. Good luck...

27762

This American Idol hospital scene has a fun rivalry between two unlikely mortal enemies. The argument does a good job illustrating the nature of their relationship effectively. I can't help but think the news broadcast should show some footage of Bree and Nikki's fight. If this was a high-profile, embarrassing incident, it seems odd that everyone else would get to watch this but it's off limits to us. I'm a little confused by why Bree was keeping the books for Nikki, and I'd like to know more about why this dream of American Idol is important to these girls (especially Bree). Otherwise, it's a fun scene with a satisfying ending. Good job!

27763

Solid scene with an interesting set-up. Writer follows the prompt and the characters have a dynamic relationship. The dialogue helps build up the characters and the result is bittersweet but satisfying. A lot of story for a few pages, effective work.

27764

This is a unique scene with some nice family drama and interesting relationships. The world of traceurs and parkeurs is cool and unique and something we don’t often see in the movies. Dialogue is effective but gets a bit heavy-handed midway through and makes the scene feel a little ‘talky’ (Chad’s giant chunk of dialogue in p. 4 is daunting!). With a subject such as this, why not show us a bit more? It’s cool that we see some of it with Chad towards the end, but perhaps it would be cooler if the action of the traceurs were more organic to what’s happening with Cheyenne, and interspersed with the relationship stuff. Overall, a good scene that feels close to being really great.

27767